CPR 2-4-2013 NATIONAL HEAD PET LIASON RELEASES INAUGURAL BALL PHOTOS

Despite his promise to issue sanctions today against Darnell the Cat for his PED 
(Pussycat Enhanced Drugs) usage, no news regarding Darnell's punishment for the 
violations found by Independent Prosecator Jay Catsby emerged today from the 
Office of the  Commissioner of MLMH (Major League Mouse Hunting). "This inaction 
is in itself a form of sanction" claimed Commissioner Butt Smelling (Photo 1), 
"Or rather, more precisely put, this inaction is a form of nap, which I find I 
need in order to conduct the important business of the Office of Commissioner of 
MLMH, which includes postponing the issuance of sanctions for violators of our 
policies on PEDs.  But I  can tell you this: I am leaning, actually reclining 
(which I have to do to nap) towards declaring Darnell as eligible for the Tour 
de France, which I just think is funnier than declaring him ineligible."  When 
asked to comment on the Commissioner's inaction, Lady Emma's Spokescat, Daisy 
the Cat, released the attached photos of National Head Pet, First Lady dancing 
with her "good friend" Hedgie at her Inauguration Ball. (Photos 2 and 3) " One 
picture is worth a thousand furs" said Daisy the Cat, which left the National 
Head Pet Press Corp scratching their heads,before thanking Daisy for not saying  
the photos were worth a thousand turds, which even Lady Emma's political enemies 
agree would have been disrespectful to the office of National Head Pet, as well 
as to the Office of the Commissioner of MLMH, and disrespectful to the vast 
membership of the Cav-Hedgehog Greco Roman Wrestling Society. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE CAV-HEDGEHOG GRECO ROMAN WRESTLING SOCIETY.  AFTER WE WRESTLE, 

WE DANCE. AFTER WE DANCE, WE BEAT EACH OTHER WITH OLIVE BRANCHES.

CPR 2-2-2013  INVESTIGATION INTO DARNELL ROID USE RESULTS IN SWEEPING INDICTMENT

 

Independent Prosecutor Jay Catsby could look the other way no longer and today 
issued his Investigative Report, which included the following findings: 
 
1) Darnell received Feline Growth Hormone injections during holiday visits to 
Cabbage Hill, the most recent being this past New Year's.  While the humans were 
inside Aunt Debbie's eating delicious food, Darnell, who had secretly sneaked 
into the human van on the way down to Cabbage Hill, was being injected by Dr. 
Yow-Yow  in Ms. Gin's Cabbage Hill Anti-Caging Clinic. 
 
2) Besides FGH, Darnell was also injected by Dr. Yow-Yow (Photo 1)with CCE 
(Concentrated Catnip Extract), MLUS (Mountain Lion Urine Serum), and IPECAT 
Syrup,  for neutralizing the toxic by product of rat poison. 
 
3) Darnell the Cat attempted to mask the presence of these outlawed drugs by 
doping his blood  samples with Purina Friskies Turkey 
Dinner in Gravy Prime Filets. 
 
4) Specimens of Darnell's stool obtained by the ever vigilant and litter box 
snacking Lady Emma also contained the tiny wooden crutches of lame mice who were 
supposed to have received special exemption from being hunted by the rules of 
Major League Mouse Hunting,. 
 
Said Independent Prosecutor Jay Catsby in issuing his report: " I am shocked, 
absolutely shocked at this flagrant abuse of MLMH's rules regarding PEDs 
(Pussycat Enhanced Drugs) and even more am I shocked that I was able not to look 
the other way for the entire duration of my issuing this report, as even now, I 
feel compelled to look the other way at something that is always more 
interesting than whatever is in front of me."  (Photos 2 and 3).  " I have 
recommended to Commissioner Butt Smelling that Darnell have his Mouse Hunting 
Trophies taken away from him and that he be declared either eligible or 
ineligible to compete in the Tour De France, whatever the Commissioner thinks is 
 funnier" 
Tomorrow: Commissioner Butt Smelling, looking curiously like Pharoah the Cat, 
decides what is funnier. 
 
SPONSORED BY PURINA FRISKIES TURKEY DINNER IN GRAVY PRIME FILLETS, DELICIOUS FOR 
DINNER AND DELIGHTFUL FOR MASKING BLOOD AND STOOL SAMPLES



CPR 2-1-2013 INDEPENDENT PROSECUTOR PREPARES FOR PROSECUTION BY LOOKING OTHER WAY

CPR 2-1-2013 INDEPENDENT PROSECUTOR PREPARES FOR PROSECUTION BY LOOKING OTHER WAY

Jay Catsby, who yesterday was appointed to investigate and prosecute Darnell the 
Cat's use of Feline Growth Hormone(FGH) by the Commissioner of Major League 
Mouse Hunting (MLMH), Butt Smelling,  spent today preparing to prepare for 
Darnell's investigation and prosecution. Prosecutor Catsby's  preparations for 
the commencement of his investigation consisted mainly of practicing looking the 
other way (Photos 1, 2 and 3), since he pledged not to look the other way during 
his investigation, and as it is so tempting to look the other way, he really had 
to spend an entire day looking the other way to eliminate the temptation of 
looking the other way once his investigation begins in earnest, although he 
would prefer to begin it in Meriden.  "How can I begin this investigation in 
earnest?" he asked his staff, Libby the Cat, "When I don't have a working Google 
Maps app to route me to Earnest?  Where is Earnest, anyway?"  "Isn't it a peak 
of some kind" asked Libby "Mount Earnest?"  "I'm telling you, Libby, once the 
investigation starts, I can't even peak the other way.  This is why I am doing 
it now. Because once the investigation begins, it concludes.  End of case.  
Darnell used, we know it, he knows it, the MLMH titles, the paw wristlets, the 
front row seats at the ESPYs, it's all over. Ka-pawt." 
 
Tomorrow:  The CPR will publish the foregone conclusions of the  Independent 
Prosecutor and Commissioner Smelling will issue his Sanctions 
 
SPONSORED BY THE DARNELL THE CAT "LITTER STRONG FOUNDATION".  RAISING MONEY FOR 
FELINE AIDS, IN MEMORY OF Jinx-y Kittkua, DARNELL'S LOST AND IMAGINARY LOVE

CPR 1-31-2013 ROID REVELATIONS SHOCK MLMH

 

The Pet World was abuzz today following the revelations emerging about Darnell 
(photo 1, snarling at reporters), who had been seen and photographed scurrying 
out of a shadowy  "Cat Clinic" located  in an old nursery school located in 
Woodbridge Connecticut,  carrying vials of FGH (Feline Growth Hormone), 
apparently given to him by a shadowy "Cat Fancy-er" named Dr. Gin.  After the 
photograph appeared in the on line calistropetreport.blogspot.com/, the 
Commissioner of MLMH (Major League Mouse Hunting), Butt Smelling, (who bears an 
uncanny resemblance to Pharoah the Cat) (Photo 2) announced the appointment of 
an Independent Prosecutor, Jay Catsby, to investigate the allegations with total 
bias and to find Darnell guilty of having done all that the rumors suggest he 
has done, so that he may be stripped of his Mouse Hunting Championship Titles, 
suspended for 50 games, and made to surrender his hindquarters to the 
Commissioner for further sniffing.  For his part, Jay Catsby has pledged not to 
look the other way, and posed for several photos looking the other way, just to 
get it out of his system before he issued his foregone conclusions as to 
Darnell's guilt. (Photo 3) 
 
SPONSORED BY THE MOBILE MLMH APP, SEE EVERY MOUSE, IN EVERY CITY, EXCEPT FOR 
YOURS, AND ELSEWHERE, WHICH MAY BE SUBJECT TO TOTAL BLACKOUT, ALL OF THE LIMITED 
TIME ONLY FOR $38.00. CHEAP.



CPR 1-24-2013 LADY EMMA GETS SWORN IN AS NATIONAL HEAD PET

 

There have been no Pet Reports this week because of the extensive preparations 
that have been underway for the Inauguration of Lady Emma as NATIONAL HEAD PET.  
Lady has asked the Pet Press not to refer to her as NATIONAL HEAD PET, but 
instead refer to her as "THE FIRST LADY".  When it was pointed out that it is 
usually  the spouse of the Executive  that gets referred to as First Lady, and 
not the Executive, Lady characterized the reference as "archaic" and "an 
unfortunate linguistic remnant of the pawtriarchialism that for centuries has 
prevented female dogs from assuming positions of prominence and power." However,  
Lady was not so hung up on reversing traditional male-female dog dynamics when 
it came to accepting from her former well heeled adversary, Mutt Romney, mutti 
millionaire capitalist, an expensive, diamond encrusted collar to wear to the 
Inaugural. (Photo 1)  Lady Iin fact proudly wore the collar to the actual 
Inauguration Ceremony, where she placed her paw on a bible (Photo 2) and pledged 
to lick the problems (Photo 3) plaguing the Pet Nation.  
 
TOMORROW:  PHOTOS OF LADY AND HEDGIE TRIPPING THE LIGHT FANTASTIC AT THE GALA 
INAUGURAL HEAD PET BALL! 
SPONSORED BY PUPSI COLA, OFFICIAL SOFT DRINK OF GALA INAUGURAL HEAD PET BALL! 

CPR 1-18-2012 DARNELL SOLICITATION OF DONATIONS FOR ILL FELINE FRIEND PROVES TO BE HOAX

 

 

Bad enough that  Darnell had gotten Daisy the Cat to invest in a “Pawnzi” Scheme 
involving a Condo in Fair Haven, and that Daisy the Cat’s hair chewing salon 
fortune had been nearly wiped out.  Now it develops that Darnell has been party 
to another scam, a hoax involving a female feline friend whom Darnell claims he 
had a relationship with up at Union, and who allegedly died from Feline Aids.   
The story goes that in January of 2012, when Darnell matriculated at Union 
College with Dominic, he met a cute Schenectady kitty cat named Jinx-y Kittkua, 
inside the Mensa Rink, during the middle of a Union-RPI hockey game, where they 
both confused a skittering puck for a black rat and chased the same into a RPI 
net. Allegedly, the relationship blossomed from there, and even as Darnell was 
receiving accolades from the Eastern Cat Athletic Conference (ECAC) for his puck 
chasing abilities for the nationally ranked Union team, he was spending hours on 
the phone with Jinx-y, plotting their  post frat house condemnation future with 
her. Then, the story goes, Jinx-y came down with Feline Aids, and when Darnell 
had to return to Meriden, he solicited funds from the other 540 Paddock pets to 
pay for Jinx-y’s veterinary bills.  Then, supposedly, Jinx-y passed, and Darnell 
hit the pets up for money to pay for Jinxy’s body to be flown to Connecticut for 
cremation at the East Side Veterinary Clinic.  Well, the hoax unraveled this 
past Tuesday, when, in passing, as Dr. Park was draining Daisy the Cat’s bladder 
as he was treating her for stress, she asked Dr. Park about Jinx-y.  It turned 
out East Side Veterinary Clinic had never handled the cremation of any cat named 
Jinx-y, and in fact, there were no records on the National Cat Cremation 
Database of any cat named Jinx-y ever having been cremated anywhere. Daisy 
reported this mysterious absence of any records concerning Jinx-y to Jay Catsby 
and Lady Emma, who put their  heads together, napped ( Photo 1)  and then 
confronted Darnell, who at first maintained that there must have been a mistake, 
and that probably Jinx-y wasn’t listed on the National Cat Cremation Database 
due to a misplaced hyphen, cancer of the hyphen being the technical cause of 
death in many cases of Feline Aids. Lady Emma and Catsby considered and napped 
on this (Photo 2) and were dubious.(Photo 3).  Then Darnell claimed that  he was 
the victim here; that  he had been duped by an imaginary cat named Jinxy, and 
that this imaginary cat had plied him with imaginary sex at a time when he was 
not fixed, and he should be pitied more than censured, as he was now fixed, and 
didn’t even have an imaginary girlfriend anymore.    As Lady Emma and Catsby 
were forced to concede the point that Darnell was fixed, they remained unsure as 
to how this controversy should best be resolved, and decided that the best thing 
for all concerned was to resume napping until the media storm blew over. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE NATIONAL CAT CREMATION DATABASE,  storing information about 
burning cats for the protection of the Pet Public and Wondering Really if isn’t 
All Just One Sick Joke.