CPR 1-18-2012 DARNELL SOLICITATION OF DONATIONS FOR
ILL FELINE FRIEND PROVES TO BE HOAX
Bad enough that Darnell had gotten Daisy the Cat to invest in a “Pawnzi” Scheme involving a Condo in Fair Haven, and that Daisy the Cat’s hair chewing salon fortune had been nearly wiped out. Now it develops that Darnell has been party to another scam, a hoax involving a female feline friend whom Darnell claims he had a relationship with up at Union, and who allegedly died from Feline Aids. The story goes that in January of 2012, when Darnell matriculated at Union College with Dominic, he met a cute Schenectady kitty cat named Jinx-y Kittkua, inside the Mensa Rink, during the middle of a Union-RPI hockey game, where they both confused a skittering puck for a black rat and chased the same into a RPI net. Allegedly, the relationship blossomed from there, and even as Darnell was receiving accolades from the Eastern Cat Athletic Conference (ECAC) for his puck chasing abilities for the nationally ranked Union team, he was spending hours on the phone with Jinx-y, plotting their post frat house condemnation future with her. Then, the story goes, Jinx-y came down with Feline Aids, and when Darnell had to return to Meriden, he solicited funds from the other 540 Paddock pets to pay for Jinx-y’s veterinary bills. Then, supposedly, Jinx-y passed, and Darnell hit the pets up for money to pay for Jinxy’s body to be flown to Connecticut for cremation at the East Side Veterinary Clinic. Well, the hoax unraveled this past Tuesday, when, in passing, as Dr. Park was draining Daisy the Cat’s bladder as he was treating her for stress, she asked Dr. Park about Jinx-y. It turned out East Side Veterinary Clinic had never handled the cremation of any cat named Jinx-y, and in fact, there were no records on the National Cat Cremation Database of any cat named Jinx-y ever having been cremated anywhere. Daisy reported this mysterious absence of any records concerning Jinx-y to Jay Catsby and Lady Emma, who put their heads together, napped ( Photo 1) and then confronted Darnell, who at first maintained that there must have been a mistake, and that probably Jinx-y wasn’t listed on the National Cat Cremation Database due to a misplaced hyphen, cancer of the hyphen being the technical cause of death in many cases of Feline Aids. Lady Emma and Catsby considered and napped on this (Photo 2) and were dubious.(Photo 3). Then Darnell claimed that he was the victim here; that he had been duped by an imaginary cat named Jinxy, and that this imaginary cat had plied him with imaginary sex at a time when he was not fixed, and he should be pitied more than censured, as he was now fixed, and didn’t even have an imaginary girlfriend anymore. As Lady Emma and Catsby were forced to concede the point that Darnell was fixed, they remained unsure as to how this controversy should best be resolved, and decided that the best thing for all concerned was to resume napping until the media storm blew over. SPONSORED BY THE NATIONAL CAT CREMATION DATABASE, storing information about burning cats for the protection of the Pet Public and Wondering Really if isn’t All Just One Sick Joke.
