It was an exciting National Head Pet night, and the 540 Paddock Pets were proud to exercise their franchise, although Darnell mistook Lady's exhortation to "stuff the ballot box" and instead stuffed the "litter box". He got a "I voted today!" sticker anyway. (Photo 1) Jay Catsby was asked, after he voted, to participate in an exit poll, and was asked what he thought of outlawing the participation of Spinmasters in the Head Pet election process. (Photo 2). Meanwhile, at Lady Emma's Campaign Headquarters, optimism reigned, as early poll returns showed that she had voted for herself (Photo 3). Despite Catsby's unwillingness to participate in an exit polls, interviews of other pets showed Master Sassafras's spinning had its effect, as 57% of the pets favoring more naps, and 42% of the pets favoring more more naps, said that the so called "rationing" of naps did not affect their support of either Lady Emma or more naps. So many excellent photos were taken of the pets wearing their "I voted Today" that the Pet Election Commission has decided to delay the release of the voting results until tomorrow night so that more of these photos may be attached. SPONSORED BY THE GRAND GLORIOUS PAGEANT OF THE PET ELECTORAL PROCESS, WHERE THE PETS MAKE UP THE RULES AS THEY GO ALONG.
On the heels (okay, paws) of Pharoah the Cat's jumping off Lady Emma's bandwagon in protest over the Emergency Pet Rationing, Lady Emma's campaign was forced to do damage control on the eve of the National Head Pet Election. First, her SpokesCat, Daisy the Cat, stated that the Emergency Order allegedly rationing the naps was misunderstood; actually, the Order recommended that Pets hoard naps, and that it was only "rational" that pets in times of crisis take every available nap. To explain away the misunderstanding, Lady dispatched the Ultimate Spinmaster, Master Sassafras (Photos 1 and 2, bearing a strong resemblance to a certain Jay Catsby) to battleground households in Baltimore, Schenectady, and East Granby, where Master Sassafras was able to deflect attention away (Photo 3, Catsby, er we mean, Sassafras, deflecting) from Lady's Executive Gaffe, by accusing the remaining National Head Pet candidate, Mutt Romney, of strapping his human to the top of a car on a family vacation, and distributing copies of a video showing Mutt Romney at a campaign cocktail party at the American Kennel Club,describing Cats to a group of pedigreed hounds as "self centered, fur brained, lazy pussies who do nothing all day but nap and depend on handouts from pet owners too stupid to own a dog". Will Master Sassafras's spinning save the Election for Lady Emma? Be with us tomorrow, and if you are a Pet reading this, don't forget to vote! SPONSORED BY THE SPINMASTER, MASTER SASSAFRAS, SPINNING THE TRUTH TO FIT WHAT SHOULD BE THE FACTS
Lady Emma, who has run for National Head Pet on a platform focused on the elimination of the nap deficit, drew criticism for her recent actions during Super Storm Sandy, when she ordered the rationing of naps until the emergency was over. Pharoah the Cat, Spokesperson for SCORN (Snow bengals Opposed to Rationing Naps), issued this statement: "While we sympathize with the pets who have lost their naps on Staten Island, New Jersey, and certain couch-al areas along the northeast, Lady took the No Fewer, A Lot More-r Naps Pledge, so what kind of d*gsh*t move is this, rationing naps?" (See photo 1, Pharoah being a spokescat, struggling not to nap). Darnell, who initially misunderstood Lady's rationing directive, and assumed she was ordering gas rationing, (after all, this was a cat known at one time at Union College as "Fartnell") and tried for over a week not to pass gas, was so exhausted and bloated by his efforts that he did not have to be coaxed by Pharoah in joining him for a protest nap. (Photo 2). Lady Emma, for her part, was stung by the criticism, and sought cover from the press under the covers. (Photo 3). How this will affect the balloting in the National Head Pet Election is anyone's guess, but Lady's campaign, which seemed unstoppable only a week ago, has run into turbulence as severe as that unleashed by Sandy, and no, we are not referring to the mighty wind released by Darnell after holding it in for a week, although that certainly hasn't helped anyone either. SPONSORED BY THE LAST DAYS OF THE CAMPAIGN. (DARNELL UNLEASHES THE KRAKEN!)
While the cats in the household were happy that the Martial Law deemed necessary to prevent scavenging and looting during Sandy was repealed, they were less happy that the 540 humans forgot to buy candy to distribute to the Trick and Treaters, necessitating the giveaway of cans of Fancy Feast to the few sad souls daring to brave the darkness of the 540 Driveway. In order to prevent the giveaway of all of the household's Fancy Feast, and the depletion of the breakfast inventory, Darnell, Daisy, and Catsby donned costumes and pretended to be trick or treaters , so that they could collect the cans of Fancy Feast themselves. Darnell dressed as a swashbuckling pirate (Photo 1), and Daisy as a witch (Photo 2), and Catsby forced himself to wear a hat (Photo 3), although his heart wasn't in it, as he wanted to dress as an Emperor, but he forgot to arrange for his robes to be delivered from the dry cleaners, and given that the Humans couldn't rouse themselves to even buy candy, it was no surprise to him that they completely neglected buffing and shining his crown in time for the Halloween celebration. But the cats, by repeatedly going in and out of the house, and ringing the doorbell, were able more or less to secure the entire 36 can pack of Classic Chicken, Beef, and Turkey Feast for themselves, which made not only for a very Happy Halloween, but for a contented first week of November. SPONSORED BY CLASSIC FANCY FEAST IN 36 CAN PACKAGES. WORTH DRESSING UP FOR.
By Executive Order, by the authority vested in Lady Emma as Acting- Interim- During the Hurricane Mainly But Not Exclusively and Maybe- Even- We -Should -Just -Drop- the- Interim- as She is Such a Shoo-In -To- Be -Elected -Permanent- National- Head- Pet -and Will- Remain- So- for- the Foreseeable- Future, So Help-Me- God, which is the title Lady currently goes by, or at least that was the title given her in the opinion issued by Justice Gracie Sotomeow and authored by Jay Catsby, Law Clerk ( who filled up a whole folio of foolscap and made quite a mess scrawling Lady Emma's title with the claws of his paws) , by that authority, that is, Lady Emma lifted the curfew that followed upon her imposition of martial law, and allowed the Pets to go outdoors to frolic and celebrate Halloween. However, by Executive Order 29, issued by her simply as the Household Head Pet, she made it clear that her costume had to be the prettiest, and the most perfect, and so it was. (Photos 1, 2, and 3, Lady on the front porch, waiting for Trick and Treaters, in her pretty and perfect Princess costume). The other pets also posed for photos in their costumes, but by Executive Order 30, only Lady's costume gets shown in this Report. SPONSORED BY EXECUTIVE ORDER NUMBER 29. YOU'VE BEEN SERVED.
In Storm Sandy related news, Pharoah the Cat, required to stay inside all day because of the howling winds. and not happy about it (Photo 1, Pharoah, not happy about staying inside, stalking the family room in discontent) appealed Lady Emma's imposition of martial law to the Highest Court of Justice Gracie Sotomeow, who happened to be riding the circuit on the bed upstairs at the time of appeal. Lady, armed with the brief prepared by Jay Catsby, Clerk to the Sotomeow Court, argued the brief so compellingly that she put both the Justice and Lady to fall asleep, only waking up briefly for the ceremonial photos before the issuance of the Jay Catsby, er rather, the Justice Sotomeow, opinion, upholding the imposition of Martial Law (Photos 2 and 3), and keeping Pharoah confined indoors, to his extreme displeasure. (Again, see Photo 1) SPONSORED BY SANDIE THE SHORTBREAD COOKIE, DECIDING TO CASH IN ON THE NOTORIETY OF SANDY THE STORM. STOCK UP NOW WHILE YOU CAN.
Lady Emma abandoned her campaign for National Head Pet today in order to secure the homefront household. First she made sure all the pets were inside and safe, and imposed martial law by ordering them all to be confined indoors until the hurricane's danger had passed. Then she gathered all the flashlights in the house, installed batteries, and made sure they were operational. (Photo 1) After the flashlights were gathered, she instructed Libby (Photo2) and Darnell on their use. (Photo 3). Then she called Christo's Pizza, and ordered a dozen large sausage pizzas, because as Lady says, "you can never be too careful". SPONSORED BY CHRISTO'S PIZZA. "IT'S NOT BURNT, IT'S A FLOOD WARNING!"
Lady Emma's success in the National Head Pet debates has caused many to ask who has been her debate coach. Most have assumed that all of the 540 Pets participated in Lady's preparation, and of course they all helped. Daisy the Cat, based on her experience with ski cap modeling and her serving as a spokesperson for an International chain of hair chewing salons, coached Lady on poise (pronounced "paw-se"); Darnell, with his online and Union College education, briefed Lady on the issue of the Nap Deficit, and devised her Four Paw Plan for Nap Creation; Pharoah, hailing from Snow Bengalia, and Libby, a refugee from the Pussies Republic of Weepy Eyelandia, helped shape Lady's fur-reign policy rhetoric; and of course Catsby packed the Debate Audience with minions from his Empire all carefully cued to disrupt Lady's opponents' comments with synchronized Haka chanting. But the key to Lady's success during the debate were the nightly wrestling matches she had with Hedgie, her trusted aide-de-camp and work out partner. (Photos 1, 2, and 3). "How do you think I have been able to maintain my captivating shape?" Lady asked Diane Sawyer during Diane's visit to her campaign headquarters. "A girl in this dog-eat-dog world has to take advantage of every edge she can get." Barkley Pellomello and Barkbark Obama certainly noticed the work Lady put into her debate prep! Linda McMahon, eat your heart out. SPONSORED BY THE WHWF (World Hedgie Wrestling Federation) (Parental Advisory: Some of these Photos of Hedgie and Lady wrestling are suitable for children)
