CPR 2-4-2013 NATIONAL HEAD PET LIASON RELEASES INAUGURAL BALL PHOTOS

Despite his promise to issue sanctions today against Darnell the Cat for his PED 
(Pussycat Enhanced Drugs) usage, no news regarding Darnell's punishment for the 
violations found by Independent Prosecator Jay Catsby emerged today from the 
Office of the  Commissioner of MLMH (Major League Mouse Hunting). "This inaction 
is in itself a form of sanction" claimed Commissioner Butt Smelling (Photo 1), 
"Or rather, more precisely put, this inaction is a form of nap, which I find I 
need in order to conduct the important business of the Office of Commissioner of 
MLMH, which includes postponing the issuance of sanctions for violators of our 
policies on PEDs.  But I  can tell you this: I am leaning, actually reclining 
(which I have to do to nap) towards declaring Darnell as eligible for the Tour 
de France, which I just think is funnier than declaring him ineligible."  When 
asked to comment on the Commissioner's inaction, Lady Emma's Spokescat, Daisy 
the Cat, released the attached photos of National Head Pet, First Lady dancing 
with her "good friend" Hedgie at her Inauguration Ball. (Photos 2 and 3) " One 
picture is worth a thousand furs" said Daisy the Cat, which left the National 
Head Pet Press Corp scratching their heads,before thanking Daisy for not saying  
the photos were worth a thousand turds, which even Lady Emma's political enemies 
agree would have been disrespectful to the office of National Head Pet, as well 
as to the Office of the Commissioner of MLMH, and disrespectful to the vast 
membership of the Cav-Hedgehog Greco Roman Wrestling Society. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE CAV-HEDGEHOG GRECO ROMAN WRESTLING SOCIETY.  AFTER WE WRESTLE, 

WE DANCE. AFTER WE DANCE, WE BEAT EACH OTHER WITH OLIVE BRANCHES.

CPR 2-2-2013  INVESTIGATION INTO DARNELL ROID USE RESULTS IN SWEEPING INDICTMENT

 

Independent Prosecutor Jay Catsby could look the other way no longer and today 
issued his Investigative Report, which included the following findings: 
 
1) Darnell received Feline Growth Hormone injections during holiday visits to 
Cabbage Hill, the most recent being this past New Year's.  While the humans were 
inside Aunt Debbie's eating delicious food, Darnell, who had secretly sneaked 
into the human van on the way down to Cabbage Hill, was being injected by Dr. 
Yow-Yow  in Ms. Gin's Cabbage Hill Anti-Caging Clinic. 
 
2) Besides FGH, Darnell was also injected by Dr. Yow-Yow (Photo 1)with CCE 
(Concentrated Catnip Extract), MLUS (Mountain Lion Urine Serum), and IPECAT 
Syrup,  for neutralizing the toxic by product of rat poison. 
 
3) Darnell the Cat attempted to mask the presence of these outlawed drugs by 
doping his blood  samples with Purina Friskies Turkey 
Dinner in Gravy Prime Filets. 
 
4) Specimens of Darnell's stool obtained by the ever vigilant and litter box 
snacking Lady Emma also contained the tiny wooden crutches of lame mice who were 
supposed to have received special exemption from being hunted by the rules of 
Major League Mouse Hunting,. 
 
Said Independent Prosecutor Jay Catsby in issuing his report: " I am shocked, 
absolutely shocked at this flagrant abuse of MLMH's rules regarding PEDs 
(Pussycat Enhanced Drugs) and even more am I shocked that I was able not to look 
the other way for the entire duration of my issuing this report, as even now, I 
feel compelled to look the other way at something that is always more 
interesting than whatever is in front of me."  (Photos 2 and 3).  " I have 
recommended to Commissioner Butt Smelling that Darnell have his Mouse Hunting 
Trophies taken away from him and that he be declared either eligible or 
ineligible to compete in the Tour De France, whatever the Commissioner thinks is 
 funnier" 
Tomorrow: Commissioner Butt Smelling, looking curiously like Pharoah the Cat, 
decides what is funnier. 
 
SPONSORED BY PURINA FRISKIES TURKEY DINNER IN GRAVY PRIME FILLETS, DELICIOUS FOR 
DINNER AND DELIGHTFUL FOR MASKING BLOOD AND STOOL SAMPLES