CPR 2-1-2013 INDEPENDENT PROSECUTOR PREPARES FOR PROSECUTION BY LOOKING OTHER WAY

CPR 2-1-2013 INDEPENDENT PROSECUTOR PREPARES FOR PROSECUTION BY LOOKING OTHER WAY

Jay Catsby, who yesterday was appointed to investigate and prosecute Darnell the 
Cat's use of Feline Growth Hormone(FGH) by the Commissioner of Major League 
Mouse Hunting (MLMH), Butt Smelling,  spent today preparing to prepare for 
Darnell's investigation and prosecution. Prosecutor Catsby's  preparations for 
the commencement of his investigation consisted mainly of practicing looking the 
other way (Photos 1, 2 and 3), since he pledged not to look the other way during 
his investigation, and as it is so tempting to look the other way, he really had 
to spend an entire day looking the other way to eliminate the temptation of 
looking the other way once his investigation begins in earnest, although he 
would prefer to begin it in Meriden.  "How can I begin this investigation in 
earnest?" he asked his staff, Libby the Cat, "When I don't have a working Google 
Maps app to route me to Earnest?  Where is Earnest, anyway?"  "Isn't it a peak 
of some kind" asked Libby "Mount Earnest?"  "I'm telling you, Libby, once the 
investigation starts, I can't even peak the other way.  This is why I am doing 
it now. Because once the investigation begins, it concludes.  End of case.  
Darnell used, we know it, he knows it, the MLMH titles, the paw wristlets, the 
front row seats at the ESPYs, it's all over. Ka-pawt." 
 
Tomorrow:  The CPR will publish the foregone conclusions of the  Independent 
Prosecutor and Commissioner Smelling will issue his Sanctions 
 
SPONSORED BY THE DARNELL THE CAT "LITTER STRONG FOUNDATION".  RAISING MONEY FOR 
FELINE AIDS, IN MEMORY OF Jinx-y Kittkua, DARNELL'S LOST AND IMAGINARY LOVE

CPR 1-31-2013 ROID REVELATIONS SHOCK MLMH

 

The Pet World was abuzz today following the revelations emerging about Darnell 
(photo 1, snarling at reporters), who had been seen and photographed scurrying 
out of a shadowy  "Cat Clinic" located  in an old nursery school located in 
Woodbridge Connecticut,  carrying vials of FGH (Feline Growth Hormone), 
apparently given to him by a shadowy "Cat Fancy-er" named Dr. Gin.  After the 
photograph appeared in the on line calistropetreport.blogspot.com/, the 
Commissioner of MLMH (Major League Mouse Hunting), Butt Smelling, (who bears an 
uncanny resemblance to Pharoah the Cat) (Photo 2) announced the appointment of 
an Independent Prosecutor, Jay Catsby, to investigate the allegations with total 
bias and to find Darnell guilty of having done all that the rumors suggest he 
has done, so that he may be stripped of his Mouse Hunting Championship Titles, 
suspended for 50 games, and made to surrender his hindquarters to the 
Commissioner for further sniffing.  For his part, Jay Catsby has pledged not to 
look the other way, and posed for several photos looking the other way, just to 
get it out of his system before he issued his foregone conclusions as to 
Darnell's guilt. (Photo 3) 
 
SPONSORED BY THE MOBILE MLMH APP, SEE EVERY MOUSE, IN EVERY CITY, EXCEPT FOR 
YOURS, AND ELSEWHERE, WHICH MAY BE SUBJECT TO TOTAL BLACKOUT, ALL OF THE LIMITED 
TIME ONLY FOR $38.00. CHEAP.



CPR 1-24-2013 LADY EMMA GETS SWORN IN AS NATIONAL HEAD PET

 

There have been no Pet Reports this week because of the extensive preparations 
that have been underway for the Inauguration of Lady Emma as NATIONAL HEAD PET.  
Lady has asked the Pet Press not to refer to her as NATIONAL HEAD PET, but 
instead refer to her as "THE FIRST LADY".  When it was pointed out that it is 
usually  the spouse of the Executive  that gets referred to as First Lady, and 
not the Executive, Lady characterized the reference as "archaic" and "an 
unfortunate linguistic remnant of the pawtriarchialism that for centuries has 
prevented female dogs from assuming positions of prominence and power." However,  
Lady was not so hung up on reversing traditional male-female dog dynamics when 
it came to accepting from her former well heeled adversary, Mutt Romney, mutti 
millionaire capitalist, an expensive, diamond encrusted collar to wear to the 
Inaugural. (Photo 1)  Lady Iin fact proudly wore the collar to the actual 
Inauguration Ceremony, where she placed her paw on a bible (Photo 2) and pledged 
to lick the problems (Photo 3) plaguing the Pet Nation.  
 
TOMORROW:  PHOTOS OF LADY AND HEDGIE TRIPPING THE LIGHT FANTASTIC AT THE GALA 
INAUGURAL HEAD PET BALL! 
SPONSORED BY PUPSI COLA, OFFICIAL SOFT DRINK OF GALA INAUGURAL HEAD PET BALL!