3-6-2012 CPR CLASSIC FROM 10-31-2011 HALLOWEEN WITH THE PETS (PART 1 OF  2)

There may not be any power at 540 PADDOCK, but that isn't going to stop the pets
from celebrating Halloween. The darkness only makes them spookier!  First to get
into her costume was, of course, LADY EMMA, who this year is trick and treating
as Lucrezia Borgia's cavalier king charles spaniel,Puppalena,  a femme fatale of
a dog, who had litters of puppies by the dogs of  Giovanni Sforza (Lord of
Pesaro), Alfonso of Aragon (Duke of Bisceglie), and Alfonso I d'Este (Duke of
Ferrara).   (Photo 1),  LIBBY, for her part, waited by the stairs to greet and
scare Trick and Treaters in her Isabella of France costume (Photo 2).  Of
course, Isabella,, aka the She-Wolf of France, was the Queen consort of King
Edward II (1307-1327), and was renowned for her affair with Roger Mortimer and
plotting to murder the deposed king.   Libby and Lady do love their medieval
intrigue, which mirrors the machinations at 540 Paddock. Daisy the Cat, on the
other hand, went for a simpler, more romantic look, choosing to dress as MAID
MARIAN, Robin Hood's romantic interest.

The other pets will be featured in tomorrow night's report.  Who knows, maybe by
then there will be power,.

Sponsored by CL & P, working OVERTIME to someday restore the power we OVERCHARGE
you for,.

CPR CLASSIC 10-31-2011 PART TWO OF TWO HALLOWEEN WITH THE PETS

This second part has more photos of LIbby and Daisy in their costumes. 
 
Some of our subscribers may not have gotten our Emergency Broadcast CPR the past 
two nights, for which we apologize. Please be assured that all of the pets have 
been provided with Emergency Shelter, warming and charging stations, and 
actually have enjoyed not  having to attend religious education classes. 
Although the parking ban has been a hassle. 

3-5-2012  CPR CLASSIC 10-21-2011 LADY EMMA DIARY FORGER REVEALEDThe pets at 540 Paddock Avenue shared Lady Emma's outrage at the attempt made on
Wednesday to pass off an ill tempered vitriolic screed as the thoughts and
sentiments of Lady Emma.   Pharoah the Cat in particular was incensed at the
suggestion that the pets were in any way unappreciative of the food served at
540 Paddock Avenue.  So Pharoah vowed to unmask the forger of the diary by
playing detective. As CPR readers are aware, however, Pharoah is Snow Bengalese.
And it turns out that Snow Bengalese detectives also double as pirates, being
that most professions the snow bengalese cat engages in are piratical in nature,
the snow bengalese cat species being essentially a maritime feline species that
thieve and steal and talk out of the sides of their mouths (Photo 1), make mice
walk the plank, and bury dubloons in their litter boxes.  So Pharoah donned his
Pirate's hat (see Photo 2), which was the equivalent, in snow bengalese terms,
as a detective's hat.  And by donning the hat, Pharoah was able to figure out
the identity of the forger of the diary.  And it was--- wait for it---MAX
SAVEJS! (See photo below).

Apparently, Max forged this diary entry to get Lady Emma's attention, not unlike
John Hinckley's attempt to gain Jodie Foster's attention by shooting Reagan.
And so History Repeats Itself. Max has  been turned over to the authorities, and
is presently out on bail, but is under house arrest, and forced to wear an
electronic collar.  The electronic collar does have a remote feature which
allows Max to change the channel on the Savejs television set from whatever it's
on to the Animal Planet.  Although Lady says that if they really want to punish
Max, the remote should only be able to change the channel to the Cat Show
Channel, which, while popular with cats, particularly the judging segments, is
incredibly tedious for dogs to watch.

Sponsored by CSI (Cat Special Investigations): Meriden

CPR 3-5-2012 CLASSIC CPR 10-20-2011 LADY EMMA DEMANDS RETRACTION OF FALSE DIARY ENTRIES

Lady Emma's lawyers, including the high powered, high profile Catsby, who
doubles as Justice SotoMeow's clerk, and vice president of Pharoah the Cat's
Stolen Laptop Tech Support (Motto: "We steal it, and Fix It), have threatened
the CPR with legal action for publishing yesterday's purported excerpt from Lady
Emma's Diary.Apparently the excerpt published yesterday was not in fact from 
Lady Emma's Diary, but rather it was a  clever forgery authored by some unknown
pet with an axe to grind,.Now it is certainly not comforting thinking of any of
the local pets brandishing axes, but the Meriden Police have been alerted, and a
toll free hot line has been set up, offering a reward if  any axe swinging  pets
are spotted (an angry dalmatian, perhaps?) and/or apprehended in the
neighborhood. So  the following is an Official Retraction and Please Don't Sue
Me Entreaty  by Roger B. Calistro, the Editor of the CPR: "On behalf of the CPR,
I would like to say we are really, really sorry we mistakenly attributed the
comments in Lady Emma's Diary to Lady Emma.  We apologize to Lady Emma and all
of her sponsors and affiliates for being taken in by a clever forgery clearly
concocted by some deranged pet with an axe to grind. We should have known the
document was phony because it lacked the Seal of Lady Emma , and the Scent of
Lady Emma, and it was typed in a font that Lady Emma would never use, plus it
was delivered to our offices by a masked pet wielding an axe. It looked like
Roxy Lovely but I can't say for sure.  So Lady, we are so,so very sorry
.Further, it is my understanding from speaking with Lady Emma's lawyers that
Lady Emma will accept our apology if we agree to print today her true thoughts
and opinions as expressed to her Diary today, as follows:

Dear Diary:

O happy day. This morning my dad did "veneration of the pooch" for over four
minutes!  See photos ! Oh ecstasy!  I love my dad.  He is the best.

Your friend,

Lady  Emma

The CPR vows to get to the bottom of the mystery of who actually wrote the fake
diary entry yesterday which caused Lady such distress.  Lady Emma wants it to be
known that not only does she love her dad, she loves the household cats (her
constituency) and she also loves dog food. She loves dog food a lot.

Sponsored by Purina Dog Food.  Lady Loves it a Lot. Or maybe it has been
Sponsored by Pharoah's Axe Sharpening, LLC (Motto: We steal it, we sharpen it,
you brandish it!)

CPR 3-2-2012 CPR COMMENCES CPR CLASSICS-- RERUNS OF PAST UNBLOGGED CPRs

While Virginia is on break The CPR breaks too.  Tonight's CPR Classic is from 10-19-2011 THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF LADY EMMA'S DIARY


On the heels (or as Lady Emma's Great Great Uncle, Commodore Emerson Horatio
Hindblower, a ship's dog  in her majesty's navy, used to say "on the aft paws--
yowr") of the success of our new Tuesday feature, PORTRAITS IN FURRAGE, comes
our new Wednesday feature-- LADY EMMA'S DIARY.  Here is the first installment:

Dear Diary:

My dad, Roger B. Calistro, is the most wonderful creature in the world.  Every
morning he opens up my crate, and lets me bound off into the sunshine, and feeds
me, and then rubs my belly, which he calls "veneration of the pooch".  So this
is hardly the forum for criticism.  But to be honest, Diary, I have a few
complaints.  First-- while it is true that every morning he lets me out of my
crate, every night he sticks me into it.  What's that about?  What am I, a wild
animal that has to be caged!  I have half a mind to report him to PETME, except
of course I am not a mole, nor am I Edward.  Second, while he lets me bound off
into the sunshine, that's only if the sun is shining.  Some mornings it isn't
you know-- some mornings it is raining, or damp, or snowing, or freezing cold,
and I am still expected to bound off, as if I didn't have a care in the world. 
Well I do have cares, Dear Diary.  I worry about the economy.  I worry about
Edward.  I worry about breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Which leads me to my third
complaint.  Breakfast.  Every day, every morning, every evening, without
exception, I am expected to eat dog food.  Diary, do you know what dog food
tastes like?  It tastes like dog food.  I don't see Mr. Roger B. Calistro, the
so called most wonderful creature in the world, eating dog food.  I don't see
you, Dear Diary, eating dog food.  How about a little variety.  Maybe a tuna
salad.. Or how about rubbing a little peanut butter on a steak now and then. 
Which brings me to my fourth complaint, this so-called veneration of the pooch.
Big deal, my tummy gets rubbed. By the same guy responsible for the removal of
my ovaries!. For this I am supposed to be grateful?
Well don't get me wrong, Diary.   I look around at the other dogs in the
household, and I realize how lucky I am.  Oh wait. There are no other dogs in
this household!  There are only cats! Cats every freaking where I look.  I lie
down on the comfy papasan chair in the kitchen, the next thing you know I have
two cats crowding me out.  See photos attached.  I mean, don't get me wrong.  I
love my cats.  I love my dad. But please, Diary, spare me the B.S. You think
it's so great being me, you try eating dog food every day of your life. 

Yours, Lady Emma

Editor's Note:  This is not what the CPR was expecting to hear from Lady Emma. 
Future installments will most certainly see a somewhat more cheery chronicle of
life at 540 Paddock Avenue.. Otherwise the name of this feature may be changed
from "Lady Emma's Diary" to "Miss Libbys Diary"

Sponsored by Purina Dog Chow. Stop complaining and eat.

CPR 3-2-2012  JUBILATION REIGNS AS VIRGINIA RETURNS HOME

 Catsby fell asleep last night, crossing his paws and dreaming that Virginia had returned home on spring break.(Photo1)

 Imagine his joy when this evening when Virginia arrived home, having taken the Bolt Bus from Baltimore to NYC!  All the pets were excited to see her, although of course the first question Lady asked her was "Is Harper real?" Libby and Pharoah vied to be cuddled,(Photos 2 and 3) and the rest of the pets jumped on and off furniture in excitement.

  The CPR will in all likelihood be suspended for this Spring Break, as the Pets will be wanting to spend any time not spent napping with Virginia, although they may pose for photographs, and ask her to arbitrate the division of the Pet World.    We will see.

SPONSORED BY BOLT BUS.  TWENTY FOUR DOLLARS FROM BALTIMORE TO NYC.

CPR 3-1-2012 PET WORLD ROCKED BY CLAIM OF SECOND VIRGINIA DOG

News reached the Paddock Avenue Pets today of the claim by Virginia that she had adopted a dog at Loyola-- a Jesuit dog supposedly named Harper. Virginia sent photos of her claimed adopted dog to your reporter, who is publishing these photos so that our readership may weigh in on the question of whether or not this is a hoax. Those pets who have examined these photos are divided on whether or not they depict a new, actual Pet of Virginia. Lady Emma, who considers herself an expert on matters canine, thinks that the dogs look different in each photo, and hence are not photos of one unified pet, but rather a canine composite, which would make the adoption of a single dog a hoax, unless of course Virginia adopted three dogs, in which event the three votes the dogs could exercise in the next election for Head Pet could change the complexion of the race, making it a more canine, and less feline, complexion, which in Lady's opinion,would then require her campaign to employ an entirely different muzzle cleansing creme. Libby in examining the photos said all dogs look alike to her, and that while some of her best friends were dogs (Lady Emma), she felt Harper, if real, should stay in Baltimore, where there was less competition for breakfast. Daisy the Cat sagely pointed out that Virginia would not be allowed to have dogs in her dorm, and that the story that the dog ":Harper" resided off campus in some Jesuit Priest's home sounded a bit too canonical to her to be true. Pharoah said he had gotten taken in by the whole Kardashian/Humphries wedding scam, and he had yet to have the silver litter box he had gifted the couple returned, and he wasn't about to be taken in by some shaggy dog story until he saw the actual dog license. Jay Catsby said it didn't matter if the adoption was real or not; the Dog was south of the Hancock Parallel, and hence was his subject, and he Jay Catsby expected Harper to pay tribute to he, Jay Catsby, as Emperor. Lady Emma for her part disputed that the issue of who ruled the territory south of the Hancock Parallel had been resolved in their aborted Peace Talks, and threatened to blockade the Chesapeake Bay to cut off cat toys, tickling feathers and all forms of tribute to the Emperor Catsby until Peace Talks resumed. Things got fairly tense at this point so it was decided to let the CPR readership decide the issue for themselves. SPONSORED BY MIRACLE MUZZLE CLEANSING CREME, The Creme that can Change the Complexion of an Entire Electoral Race