CPR 3-15-2012 LADY EMMA AGAIN ATTEMPTS DRAMATIC MEDIATION BETWEEN HISTORICAL  ENEMIES. AGAIN. AND ANSWERS HER CRITICS, AGAIN. AND CLAIMS NOT TO BE A DUCK. AGAIN.

Encouraged by Pharoah's willingness to donate his winnings from the Eating Tournament to Libby's favorite charity, and stung by the criticism of her administration's inability to broker peace between the 540 Pets, Lady Emma, as Head Pet, had a sit down with both Pharoah and Libby, separately, of course, to try to resolve the issues between them.  First, Lady met with Pharoah, on the heels of her announcement of the Eating Tournament seeding, and gave him her best politician's smile.  (Photo 1).  Lady proposed expanding Libby's dry food eating area on the North Kitchen Counter, and pushing back the Boys' Breakfast Club counter space to the south of the De-Culinarized Zone (the so called DCZ).  Pharoah had no problem with ceding the territory, so long as Libby lifted her morning  blockade of the wet  food bowls.  Lady then took the proposal to Libby, who had no idea what lady was talking about. (Photo 2). In fairness, Pharoah had no idea either, and just said he agreed so Lady would leave him alone and let him nap. (Photo 3).  Nevertheless, Lady was encouraged, and pronounced her efforts a success, saying she had answered the critics of her domestic policy, and the nay sayers that insisted the continuing rift between Libby and Pharoah would doom her administration, and make her a Lame Duck Head Pet.  Said Lady:  " I don't walk like a duck, I don't quack like a duck, hence, I am not a duck".

SPONSORED BY THE LADY EMMA PET PEACE INITIATIVE.  NO CRYING FOWL, JUST COOING DOVES. OF PEACE.

CPR 3-14-2012 BREAKFAST BRACKETOLOGY

Notwithstanding his vet's admonition to take it easy, Darnell has thrown himself into the early morning fray, and crashed the Boys' Breakfast Club on the North Counter of the kitchen.(Photos 1 and 2). The ferocity with which Darnell attacked his breakfast bowl spurred interest among the girls-- Libby, Daisy, Gracie, and Lady-- in staging another eating contest, notwithstanding the fact that the last competition resulted in prolonged and protracted litigation, before the highest courts, on the highest refrigerators, in Pet Land.  "This time" said Lady Emma, in a statement issued from a couch, alongside an exhausted post- prandial Pharoah  ("Geez" he said,in Snow Bengalese "That kitten is one fast eater"),"Any money realized will be donated to a charity of the winner's choosing". (Photo 3) When asked what charity he would donate his winnings to, Pharoah roused himself to reach out a paw to Libby, and suggested he would donate his winnings to the Purple Scarf Orphans Fund set up by Libby to pay for the education of those kittens orphaned in Weepy Eyelandia by the invading Snow Bengalese Army. Libby for her part appreciated the gesture, but was skeptical that Pharoah could best the young Darnell in an eating competition. "My money's on the kitten" said Libby."Never underestimate the hunger of a shelter cat." 

Our readership is invited to to fill out their Eating Brackets for the Big Tournament.  Based on past performance, Jay Catsby has to be the number one seed, but Darnell may be the Cinderella Eater in this tournament.

SPONSORED BY SUBWAY CAT FOOD SUBS, OFFICIAL SPONSOR OF THE 540 EATING TOURNAMENT, HOME OF THE FOOT LONG BREAKFAST BOWL

CPR 3-13-2012 DARNELL CONVALESCES, PROVES TO BE A DEMANDING PATIENT
Last night's CPR published photos of Darnell in his neck collar, which had been prescribed by East Side Veterinary Clinic to prevent Darnell from licking his wounds.   The collar was to remain on Darnell's neck for a week, but Darnell had other ideas, and he had the collar off within five minutes of each time it was placed around his neck, and eventually the humans gave up.   The doctors at East Side sent home with Darnell written "care instructions" that also stated that Darnell was to refrain from "jumping, running, and climbing".  Yeah right.  Darnell interpreted these instructions to mean that he was supposed  to have a sexy feline nurse taking care of him, but the only cat who could be pressed into caring for him on short notice was Gracie.  Photo 1 shows Darnell convalescing, Photo 2 shows him yelling for Gracie to give him his sponge bath, and Photo 3 shows him inspecting the manicure that he asked Gracie to give him after his bath.

SPONSORED BY THE VNA OF CENTRAL CONNECTI-CAT.  GIVING SPONGE BATHS TO CONVALESCING CATS SINCE, WELL, ABOUT 4:30 THIS AFTERNOON

CPR 3-12-2012 DARNELL UNDERGOES THE KNIFE

As referenced in last night's CPR, Darnell went into the East Side Veterinary Clinic today for his "surgery".  Of course, no sooner had he left the house in his chauffeur driven cat carrier than the other cats began gossiping.  "East Side Veterinary Clinic, my left front paw!" scoffed Libby. "If you ask me, he's left for a rehab clinic. "  "I hope actually he's visiting a gastroenterologist" said Gracie, wishfully. "Something needs to be done about that cat's digestive system.  Everything he eats turns to gas!"  "" I doubt it" pronounced Jay Catsby. "The best known cat gastroenterologist, whom I know well, being myself, isn't aware of any surgical appointments over the next week,. Of course, my recommendation would be that that Darnell undergo a sphincterectomy, or a feline farterectomy, and perhaps he is better off waiting, as next month the Diego the Cat Memorial Medical Center is having a special, a feline farterectomy at half price if you order one or more of our other premium surgeries, such as tail elongation,. or tongue de-burring."  

Poor Darnell.  His actual surgery involved his pet private parts, but to hide the nature of his surgery from the other cats at 540 Paddock, he insisted that the Vet outfit him with a cervical collar, so he could claim that all he had   was a cervical laminectomy, and that he was still as virile as ever, so don't even consider messing with him.  Unfortunately, the collar has proven to be quite uncomfortable, to say nothing of  dopey looking, so since he has come home, he has spent most of his time trying to remove it. Unsuccessfully.  Fortunately for him, one of premium surgeries being offered next month by Dr. Jay Catsby at the Diego the Cat Memorial Medical Center is a "collar-ectomy", for which Darnell has already booked a bed.

SPONSORED BY THE DIEGO THE CAT MEMORIAL MEDICAL CENTER -- BOOK A PAINLESS COLLAR CUTTING AT FULL PRICE TODAY, GET YOUR FARTERECTOMY AT HALF PRICE, THROUGH THE END OF APRIL

CPR 3-11-2012 SPECIAL WEEKEND EDITION:  DARNELL RETURNS FROM COLLEGE

Darnell, Dominic's cat, returned to 540 Paddock Friday night, ostensibly because he is having surgery on Monday.  No sooner had he arrived home than rumors began circulating among the Pets that he had been asked by the administration at Union College to leave the  school because of his heavy partying.  Apparently, he had fallen in with an older cat named Marley at the fraternity house he had  been living at, and the two were seen late night mousing in some sketchy areas of Schenectady. Purportedly, he had been sleeping through his economic classes, and when he did bother showing up, there was an odor of catnip on his breath, and his attentions were focused not on the Professor but on the coeds, who didn't particularly appreciate his attentions, which largely consisted of his spraying them.  Catsby for one welcomed Darnell's return, as Darnell having attended classes at Union College automatically put him in a different educational league than Lady Emma, who of course is a graduate of Doggie Kindergarten, and who of course by reason of having graduated from Doggie Kindergarten has the equivalent of a human post graduate degree, a year of a dog's education being worth 16-17 years of a human's education, or so it is claimed. By Lady Emma. Mainly and only.  (Of course the post  graduate degree is in tail chasing, not a master's, of course, as Lady's master's tail has never been chased, to his knowledge and regret, but Lady's degree is the equivalent of a  Ph.D (the "D" standing for "Dog" of course, and the "PH" for Ph-ido).) Darnell, by virtue of having slept through several economics lectures, as well as on top of Dominic's college text books, is viewed by the pets as even more highly educated than Lady Emma. Accordingly, after Darnell has his surgery,   Catsby plans on offering him a high level job with the Jay Catsby and Pharoah the Cat Haka Pet Karaoke Machine Manufacturing Company, as well as a position within the Empire as Chancellor of the Supply Chain (or Leash), or something economic like that.  Darnell for his part insists he will be returning to Union;  that his return to Connecticut was due to the need for his surgery, and nothing more;  and that far from being asked to leave by Union's administration, he has actually been offered a Teaching Fellowship (or as he claims, a Teaching Felineship) by the Engineering Department, to structure and teach a  course in "How to Build a Better Mousetrap".  The latter claim seems a bit far fetched to your reporter, although Union was one of the first liberal arts colleges to offer Engineering, doing so in 1820 or thereabouts, and of course was also one of the first colleges in the country to admit cats, doing so in the late seventies, shortly after going co-ed. And of course since cats as a species are under represented in the Engineering profession, there is of course some institutional advantage to Union's putting felines like Darnell on a engineering teaching track, as the smartest cats coming out of the nation's high schools are more likely to want to attend a college to study engineering if there are Feline Professors to teach them. So perhaps Darnell might indeed be welcome to return to Union, although it is highly likely that after his surgery tomorrow, he isn't going want to do much but lie around and lick his wound(s).

SPONSORED BY UNION COLLEGE.  TEACHING CATS ENGINEERING SINCE THE LATE SEVENTIES.

CPR 3-8-2012 CPR CLASSIC 11-9-2011 PROFILES IN FUR-RAGE "THE GRACIE SOTOMEOW STORY" (PART 1)

Well, the bad news is that Libby the Cat's agent (Jay Catsby, of the CATSBY AND
PHAROAH TALENT AGENCY, --Their Motto:  "Your Talent is our Treasure-- you sing
it or dance it, we'll sell it, or bury it") scuttled the profile, as he thought
it was not flattering enough to his client, in that it portrayed her
(accurately, in the CPR's opinion) as a cat who is always trying to pick a fight
with Pharoah.  The Good News is that Jay Catsby the Legal Clerk to Justice
Sotomeow (not to be confused with Jay Catsby the Talent Agent) has encouraged
the Justice to sit for an interview as part of her PROFILE IN FURRAGE: THE
GRACIE SOTOMEOW STORY, which starts now:.

Justice Gracie Sotomeow, f/k/a Gracie the Cat, came to the household at 540
Paddock with her sister, Wilma, in 2008.  One of our subscribers, Annie Szarka,
accompanied Virginia to a home in New Britain, where two kittens were being
kept, one of whom was a pretty attractive kitten, and one of whom was, frankly,
kind of homely.  (The CPR is aware that this observation might generate some
controversy, but journalistic ethics compel the Report to strive for
objectivity, and sometimes the "Truth is Cruel", which reminds this reporter of
the motto of the Catsby and Pharoah Very Painful Dentistry Clinic-- "The Tooth
is Cruel").The keepers of the kittens in New Britain maintained that the kittens
had been born in Puerto Rico, although how they got to this country was never
actually explained, and tried to get Virginia to take the homely kitten, instead
of the pretty one.  Virginia being Virginia, the household at 540 Paddock
received the gift of both of them.  (Although they were technically not a gift,
since the keepers of the kittens apparently wanted to be reimbursed an amount
equivalent to air fare from Puerto Rico to New Britain). Virginia named the
kittens Wilma and Grace, after a favorite TV show of hers, Will and Grace. It
turned out that Wilma did  indeed have a better personality than Gracie. 
Actually, Wilma had a better personality than Gracie just by reason of having a
personality, as Gracie really had none. Wilma was regrettably not long for the
household at 540 Paddock Avenue.  One afternoon Virginia came home from school
and discovered Wilma was gone, leaving  behind no clues as to where she gone, 
only the following note: "I don't care that she's my sister, I can't take
another minute living with that b***h Gracie".  It wasn't until the American
Express Charge Account statement came in the mail that it was discovered that a
passage had been booked on a tramp steamer from Meriden to Puerto Rico.  On the
one year anniversary of Wilma's departure, a postcard also came in the mail from
Puerto Rico, with a message addressed to Gracie:  "Having a wonderful time, glad
you're not here". As it was written in Spanish, Gracie was spared the hurt of
having to read it, as Gracie is illiterate in at least three languages, two
living and one dead. (English,Spanish, and Latin). Despite the rejection by her
sister, Gracie tried hard to fit into the household at 540 Paddock.... aww, who
am I kidding?  Gracie made no effort at all to fit in.  She doesn't let anyone
pet her.  There is only one documented instance of her even allowing someone to
hold her for more than ten seconds. (Photo 1).  The CPR decided to ask Gracie
Sotomeow what gives with her aversion to being held and petted.

CPR:  Gracie, what gives with your aversion to being held and petted?
Justice Gracie Sotomeow:  First, you should address me as Justice Sotomeow.  I
will answer no questions unless you show this court the proper respect.( see
Photo 3, Justice Sotomeow inclining her head so as to be accorded the proper
respect)
CPR: Justice Sotomeow, what gives with your aversion to being held and petted?
JGS:  You need to kneel when you address me.
CPR: I do not.
JGS: You do too,.
CPR (Kneelilng): Fine. Now answer the question.
JGS: Second, let me make it perfectly clear that it is I, Justice Sotomeow, not
I, Jay Catsby, her brilliant legal clerk, who is answering these questions. 
Ignore that cat behind the blinds.  (Photo 2).  I am the Great and Powerful
Justice Sotomeow.
CPR: (Getting off its knees)  Wait! What's going on here?  Why is Catsby moving
his lips while you're supposed to be talking? 
JGS:  I am talking!  It is me moving my lips, see, , not the Brilliant and
Handsome Catsby.  Get away from those blinds!  No..noo.....n oooo!

At this point in the interview, Justice Sotomeow bolted from the family room and
away from your interviewer, leaving the one question asked unanswered. 
Tomorrow's report will hopefully contain the second portion of our exclusive
interview, if the Great and Powerful Justice Sotomeow can fit it into her busy
schedule, or if her clerk can fit it into his, I mean, hers.

Sponsored by the Catsby and Pharoah Talent Agency (Motto: "We earn our fifteen
'purr-cent!")