CPR-5-4-2012 WHO WAS THAT MOUSE ANYWAY?

Darnell's publicist (Photo 1, shown here with a spray of lilacs which he claims his client received from President Obama) is now claiming that the mouse captured Wednesday night was actually Mousama Bin Laden, the noted Mouse Terrorist.  Darnell again is shown accepting congratulations from Dominic, and Pharoah is again shown expressing his opinion of this latest variation of the mouse catching story. (Photo 3).  "You would think a 540 pet had never captured a mouse before" he said derisively, " I don't know why Dominic encourages him."

The 540 PADDOCK AVENUE household is on alert, fearing mouse reprisals. Perhaps from the Mouse-lim Brotherhood.  The household may need an enforcer, perhaps a big watchdog, like Harper.

SPONSORED BY HOMELAND SECURITY, PUTTING 540 PADDOCK ON A GREY ALERT.

CPR 5-4-2012 SPECIAL EDITION--THURSDAY CPR ON A FRIDAY, DARNELL THE GREAT MOUSEHUNTER

Darnell reaped in the accolades the day after he, single handedly, he claims, to have captured the great track star Mousain Bolt (pronounced "Mouse-sain"), who apparently had chosen Virginia's bedroom as his training facility.  According to Darnell's publicist, the initial report, that the mouse was simply seeking help because his car had broken down,  was mistaken.  "This was no ordinary mouse" said the publicist, speaking from behind the blinds in the family room, and looking incredibly like Darnell himself (Photo 1), "This was Mousain Bolt, whose incredible world record shattering speed and scurry-ness  made him impossible for a cat to catch.  Until now. Until he met his match Darnell, the Great Mouse Hunter."  When Dominic, Darnell's master, heard the news about Darnell's great triumph over the arrogant Mousain, he returned from Schenectady to pose for a congratulatory photo.  (Photo 2). However, in perhaps a case of sour grapes, some of the other pets were less impressed with Darnell's victory.  "Mousain Bolt, please" yawned Pharoah, indifferently (Photo 3) "That was just an ordinary field mouse.  The real challenge is in capturing moles.  You really have to dig to get at one of those suckers.  Can you dig it?"

SPONSORED BY THE HEPCAT LOUNGE, WHERE ALL THE COOL CATS SPEAK LIKE PHAROAH JUST DID.  AND ALSO WEAR BERETS.CAN YOU DIG IT?

CPR 5-2-2012 DARNELL MEETS AND GREETS A VERY, VERY, VERY LOST MOUSE

The doorbell at 540 Paddock rang last night, and your reporter was too ensconced in his easy chair to get up to see who was at the door. So he delegated the task to the nearest cat, who turned out to be Darnell.  As fate would have it, when Darnell opened the door, there was a mouse on the doormat, a very lost mouse, a very, very lost mouse.  The mouse claimed that his car had broken down, and that he needed to use a phone, as the battery on his cell had died, and oh, by the way, was there by any chance a piece of cheese in the house?  Darnell ushered him into the house, but when the mouse saw that he entered the home of not one, but six cats, he passed out in the foyer. Darnell did his best to revive him (Photos 1, and 2) but when the mouse opened his eyes, and saw the Emperor Catsby, he tried to scurry into the corner (Photo 3) which was the wrong move, although not nearly as wrong as the move he made in entering the foyer in the first place. Well whatever happened next happened very quickly, and there were no witnesses, other than Catsby and Darnell, and it turns out that Catsby had just prior to the mouse's arrival appointed himself the Official Pet Coroner of 540 Paddock, and his verdict, as Coroner, was that the mouse had died of a cardiac arrest,  and that the mouse whisker which appears on Darnell's nose in the photographs was entirely circumstantial, coincidental, and inconclusive of any untoward behavior towards what, to be honest about it, was after all a trespawsser, and certainly, Darnell was within his rights under the 540 Paddock Avenue "Stand and Defend the Cheese Law", which, though controversial, has withstood challenge by various Vermin Rights groups before the High Court and Tall Refrigerator of Justice Gracie Sotomeow, who is a cat, true, but a cat not without compassion, even if devoid of personality.  After Jay Catsby the Coroner had declared his verdict, he then exercised his perogative as Jay Catsby the Emperor to count the deceased mouse as a former Pet of the Empire, and to tally the deceased's mouse's vote as one towards the election of Elsie the Scottish Fold as Empress. 

SPONSORED BY PETME (PETS for the ETHICAL TREATMENT OF MICE and ELSIE)

CPR 5-1-2012 TENSION MOUNTS AS ELECTION RESULTS TRICKLE IN

Watching the election returns has been harrowing for Catsby. Although he professes to have no favorites, when the networks projected Gracie as the winner due to Virginia having voted for her twice, he paced back and forth, drawing Darnell's attention, fretting aloud.  " I can't believe I will be stuck with Gracie as my Empress" he grumbled to Darnell.  "Oooh" Darnell teased, "Maybe you'd like to have that cute little Elsie the Scottish Fold! At least you wouldn't have to pin back her ears!" Well, Darnell hit a sore spot.  Apparently Catsby really likes Elsie, and he was hoping she'd win.  "I'll pin your ears back, Darnell!" Catsby cried. (Photo 1). He grabbed Darnell and was prepared to pound-it-tate him (Photo 2) until Darnell said, "Relax Catsby.  Life is too short.  Let's take time to smell the lilacs." So Catsby and Darnell repaired to the foyer, where after smelling the lilacs, they proceed to knock over and bust the foyer lamp.

Some of you still have not voted. Why are you tormenting Catsby so? Vote now.  Hint: (he's got a thing for Elsie)

SPONSORED BY LILACS FIRST, LAMPS SECOND, A PET BOUTIQUE AND BASHERY

 CPR 4-30-2012  RETRO MONDAY ON RETRO MONDAY LIBBY PANDERS FOR VOTES

CPR 4-30-2012 RETRO MONDAY ON RETRO MONDAY--LIBBY PANDERS FOR VOTES

The Empress Election now begins its second week, at least, and still there are readers out there who have not yet voted.  In an attempt to reach out to these voters, Libby the Cat has paid, er I mean, asked the CPR to run her All Time Cute Kitten Photo (Photo 1) and also paid, I mean, also asked that we run the photo of her cuddling with a young cute Lady Emma, on the theory that these photos show her cuddly side.  "Sure" says Libby " I may have my occasional issues with Pharoah, and when I am in an ornery mood, with certain other cats in this household, but I would be a faithful consort to Catsby, and I would see to it that his Empire includes my home country of Weepy Eyelandia, which would accept my rule in the event of his unfortunate and untimely demise."  Now of course the CPR itself remains above the fray, and endorses no particular candidate for Empress,at this point, although money does talk, sometimes, and what it says is, hey, here's a lot of me, make me Empress, Fourth Estate. So it is a bit of a reach, coming up with a third retro cuddly cute photo of Libby, so we are running as the third photo what Libby claims is a photo of her during her "red head" period, when she went by the name of Charlie and was universally adored for her adorableness.

CPR 4-29-2012 VOTING CONTINUES EVEN AS EMPRESS  ELECTION NEARS END

More votes were received over the weekend and the latest results show the Blue Bow Tied Bunny in the lead for Empress, having 2 votes.  Other candidates receiving votes were Libby, and Carly and Sylvette, the Munchkins.  These results have angered some of the candidates. In particular, Gracie vociferously denounced the voters, decrying the bias against beauty that seems to be manifest in the early voting. (Photos 1 and 2)  "Oh why must I be punished for being beautiful" Gracie bellowed. " Personality is so overrated!"  Lady Emma, for her part, decided to mock the whole electoral process and the whole need for Catsby to have an Empress.  "Look at me, look at me" chanted Lady in sing song mockery "I  have a tiara made out of lilacs.  Maybe I should be your Empress, Catsby!" (Photo 3).

Notwithstanding this mockery, readers are reminded that Lady Emma is not a candidate for Empress, however good she looks in lilac.  Readers are also reminded that someday the voting will actually end, so if  you haven't already voted, vote now, and if you have already voted, vote again.  Just as there is no such thing as a conflict of interest in the Pet World, so is there no such thing as "one pet, one vote". For that matter, according to Jay Catsby, deceased and disappeared pets are also eligible to vote, and he, Jay Catsby, holds their proxy in his power mad paws, so he may have the final say over who wins the election.  Of course, there is no true finality to any Pet election result, as there is always the threat of litigation, and the likelihood of a recount, and the appointment of a commission to investigate irregularities.
And as always, the CPR will be there to bring you all the bitterness, the sour grapes, and false accusations, because frankly, that's what sells newspapers.  That and sex.  And lilacs.

SPONSORED BY THE LEAGUE OF BITTER FELINE BEAUTY.  I AM GRACIE THE CAT, AND I AM HATED FOR MY BEAUTY.