CPR 9-5-2012 BREAKING NEWS: CHINESE STOWAWAY KITTEN SEEKS ASYLUM AT

540 PADDOCK AVENUE

 

NI HAO, THE CHINESE KITTEN THAT SURVIVED A TRIP ACROSS THE PACIFIC OCEAN IN A 
SHIPPING CONTAINER, TODAY SOUGHT ASYLUM AT 540 PADDOCK AVENUE. AMBASSADOR JAY 
CATSBY, WHO RECEIVED THE PETITION WHILE AT BREAKFAST, PROMISED SWIFT ACTION ON 
THE PETITION, PROVIDED HE RECEIVED SWIFT SERVICE OF HIS BREAKFAST.  AS OF THIS 
WRITING, CATSBY IS STILL WAITING ON HIS RASHER OF BACON, AND POOR NI HAO, AND 
THE ENTIRE CIVILIZED PET WORLD, IS STILL WAITING ON AN ANSWER TO THE PETITION.  
STAY TUNED TO THE CPR FOR FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA.  WE EAT OUR KITTENS, AND SEND YOU 
THE LESS TASTY ONES. 

CPR 9/4/2012 HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION -- LADY EMMA

The highlight of Lady Emma's summer had to be her excursion to the Thomas Dodd Stadium in Norwich, Connecticut, where she participated in the Connecticut Tigers "Bark at the Park".  Lady and her Master and Mistress had front row seats, right over the Tigers dugout, but Lady was disappointed that she was not asked to throw out the first ball.  Apparently, the CT Tigers management had considered asking Lady to throw out the first ball, but after they acquainted themselves with Lady's history of ball relinquishment, decided against the move, since it is well known that Lady likes to chase after thrown objects, but doesn't like, once having fetched them, to give them up, preferring to run with the thrown object away from whomever tossed it. So the CT Tigers astutely  realized that if they gave Lady Emma the first pitch to throw out, she would run with the ball into one of the luxury suites and hop on a couch and refuse to give it up to the catcher. Poor Lady had to be satisfied instead with singing the Star Spangled Banner, which was the highlight of her summer.  Well, that, and the recording contract she landed ffrom the record company cur sitting in the second row, who spend most of the game boldly admiring Lady's pipes.

9/3/2012 CPR RESUMES! SPECIAL BACK TO SCHOOL EDITION

The summer is officially over, with Virginia having returned to school, and 
Dominic set to return.     So much has happenned over the course of the summer, 
that it will take the better part of a week's worth of reports to summer-ize, so 
to speak. We will start with Pharoah the Cat's summer activities.  While many of 
the pets were involved with various political activities, such as Gracie 
Sotomeow, who was under the impression that the Republican nominee, Mitt Romney, 
was actually Mittens Romney, the first kitten to run for President (and who was 
under the further impression that by getting involved with Mittens, she would 
not only get to have pie, but possibly be nominated to the Highest Court in the 
Land, the 50 foot tall Refrigerator in the bomb shelter/basement in the White 
House), Pharoah was remaining true to the mounted heritage of the invading 
armies of Snow Bengalia by taking bare back riding lessons.Of course, lacking a 
proper horse to ride, Pharoah had to do his homework, and the  practicing of his 
equestrian technique, on the black leather chair in the family room.(Photo 1). 
To take his lessons, Pharoah was obliged to "pony up" the membership fee of the 
Exclusive Table Linen Shelf Club, where most afternoons during the summer he 
could be seen "Lingering on the Linen".  (See Photos 2 and 3, taken by the nosy 
Pussarazzi with their telephoto lenses through the openings in the Exclusive 
"Top Shelves" that members retire to for  personalized grooming by professional 
meow-seuses after a grueling several minutes of bare back practice). 
Fortunately, Pharoah the Cat had money saved up from the business he had 
embarked upon with Jay Catsby last fall servicing stolen, er rather, 
fortuitously found, laptops, so he was able to swing for the Exclusive Table 
Linen Shelf  Club fees.  As probably the leanest "Fat Cat" of the Club's movers 
and tail shakers,  Pharoah will no doubt in short time wind up as the Club's 
President,which might then allow him to luxuriate at the very tip top of the 
World Class Linen Shelves at the Club.  As we know, with cats, Height is Power.  
What is true about sitting on the Highest Refrigerators is also true about 
sitting on the Highest Linen Shelves -- as the motto of the Club goes-- "Summae 
potentiae est optimum felis ministerio" (To the HIghest Cat belongs the power 
and the best table service") 
TOMORROW:  HOW JAY CATSBY SPENT HIS SUMMER VACATION 
 
SPONSORED BY THE EXCLUSIVE TABLE LINEN SHELF CLUB -- IT'S MOTTO, WELL, YOU'VE 
ALREADY READ IT. 

CPR-5-4-2012 WHO WAS THAT MOUSE ANYWAY?

Darnell's publicist (Photo 1, shown here with a spray of lilacs which he claims his client received from President Obama) is now claiming that the mouse captured Wednesday night was actually Mousama Bin Laden, the noted Mouse Terrorist.  Darnell again is shown accepting congratulations from Dominic, and Pharoah is again shown expressing his opinion of this latest variation of the mouse catching story. (Photo 3).  "You would think a 540 pet had never captured a mouse before" he said derisively, " I don't know why Dominic encourages him."

The 540 PADDOCK AVENUE household is on alert, fearing mouse reprisals. Perhaps from the Mouse-lim Brotherhood.  The household may need an enforcer, perhaps a big watchdog, like Harper.

SPONSORED BY HOMELAND SECURITY, PUTTING 540 PADDOCK ON A GREY ALERT.

CPR 5-4-2012 SPECIAL EDITION--THURSDAY CPR ON A FRIDAY, DARNELL THE GREAT MOUSEHUNTER

Darnell reaped in the accolades the day after he, single handedly, he claims, to have captured the great track star Mousain Bolt (pronounced "Mouse-sain"), who apparently had chosen Virginia's bedroom as his training facility.  According to Darnell's publicist, the initial report, that the mouse was simply seeking help because his car had broken down,  was mistaken.  "This was no ordinary mouse" said the publicist, speaking from behind the blinds in the family room, and looking incredibly like Darnell himself (Photo 1), "This was Mousain Bolt, whose incredible world record shattering speed and scurry-ness  made him impossible for a cat to catch.  Until now. Until he met his match Darnell, the Great Mouse Hunter."  When Dominic, Darnell's master, heard the news about Darnell's great triumph over the arrogant Mousain, he returned from Schenectady to pose for a congratulatory photo.  (Photo 2). However, in perhaps a case of sour grapes, some of the other pets were less impressed with Darnell's victory.  "Mousain Bolt, please" yawned Pharoah, indifferently (Photo 3) "That was just an ordinary field mouse.  The real challenge is in capturing moles.  You really have to dig to get at one of those suckers.  Can you dig it?"

SPONSORED BY THE HEPCAT LOUNGE, WHERE ALL THE COOL CATS SPEAK LIKE PHAROAH JUST DID.  AND ALSO WEAR BERETS.CAN YOU DIG IT?

CPR 5-2-2012 DARNELL MEETS AND GREETS A VERY, VERY, VERY LOST MOUSE

The doorbell at 540 Paddock rang last night, and your reporter was too ensconced in his easy chair to get up to see who was at the door. So he delegated the task to the nearest cat, who turned out to be Darnell.  As fate would have it, when Darnell opened the door, there was a mouse on the doormat, a very lost mouse, a very, very lost mouse.  The mouse claimed that his car had broken down, and that he needed to use a phone, as the battery on his cell had died, and oh, by the way, was there by any chance a piece of cheese in the house?  Darnell ushered him into the house, but when the mouse saw that he entered the home of not one, but six cats, he passed out in the foyer. Darnell did his best to revive him (Photos 1, and 2) but when the mouse opened his eyes, and saw the Emperor Catsby, he tried to scurry into the corner (Photo 3) which was the wrong move, although not nearly as wrong as the move he made in entering the foyer in the first place. Well whatever happened next happened very quickly, and there were no witnesses, other than Catsby and Darnell, and it turns out that Catsby had just prior to the mouse's arrival appointed himself the Official Pet Coroner of 540 Paddock, and his verdict, as Coroner, was that the mouse had died of a cardiac arrest,  and that the mouse whisker which appears on Darnell's nose in the photographs was entirely circumstantial, coincidental, and inconclusive of any untoward behavior towards what, to be honest about it, was after all a trespawsser, and certainly, Darnell was within his rights under the 540 Paddock Avenue "Stand and Defend the Cheese Law", which, though controversial, has withstood challenge by various Vermin Rights groups before the High Court and Tall Refrigerator of Justice Gracie Sotomeow, who is a cat, true, but a cat not without compassion, even if devoid of personality.  After Jay Catsby the Coroner had declared his verdict, he then exercised his perogative as Jay Catsby the Emperor to count the deceased mouse as a former Pet of the Empire, and to tally the deceased's mouse's vote as one towards the election of Elsie the Scottish Fold as Empress. 

SPONSORED BY PETME (PETS for the ETHICAL TREATMENT OF MICE and ELSIE)

CPR 5-1-2012 TENSION MOUNTS AS ELECTION RESULTS TRICKLE IN

Watching the election returns has been harrowing for Catsby. Although he professes to have no favorites, when the networks projected Gracie as the winner due to Virginia having voted for her twice, he paced back and forth, drawing Darnell's attention, fretting aloud.  " I can't believe I will be stuck with Gracie as my Empress" he grumbled to Darnell.  "Oooh" Darnell teased, "Maybe you'd like to have that cute little Elsie the Scottish Fold! At least you wouldn't have to pin back her ears!" Well, Darnell hit a sore spot.  Apparently Catsby really likes Elsie, and he was hoping she'd win.  "I'll pin your ears back, Darnell!" Catsby cried. (Photo 1). He grabbed Darnell and was prepared to pound-it-tate him (Photo 2) until Darnell said, "Relax Catsby.  Life is too short.  Let's take time to smell the lilacs." So Catsby and Darnell repaired to the foyer, where after smelling the lilacs, they proceed to knock over and bust the foyer lamp.

Some of you still have not voted. Why are you tormenting Catsby so? Vote now.  Hint: (he's got a thing for Elsie)

SPONSORED BY LILACS FIRST, LAMPS SECOND, A PET BOUTIQUE AND BASHERY