CPR 9-13-2012 LETTER FROM CAPTAIN DARNELL DARNELLERS TO PROFESSOR VILLARS OF LOYOLA

DEAR PROFESSOR: 
 
Villars? What kind of name is that?  You wouldn't be one of them Frenchies, 
would you?  Professor Froggy! 
 
Well, Professor, shiver my litters, I hear you have one pretty kitty there.  
What say you send her up here on the Bolt Bus!  Let Ambassador Piggy Pussy 
Squishy Face wait on his scratching seat for her packet boat to cross the Pond!  
Har har-- let him waddle down to the pond like some kind of duck and fall in 
like the Monsieur Slippery Charlemagne he thinks he is!  Here's a few photos of 
what your princess is missing, cat napping down there in Baltimore!  Let her 
spend some time with a real cat, not some fancy pants pushed in puss face! 
Yours-- Captain Darnell   Arghh! 
 
SPONSORED BY BOLT BUS.  CATS RIDE CHEAP!  HELPS US DEAL WITH THE MICE IN THE 
LAV! 

CPR 9-12-2012 HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION-- LIBBY THE CAT

As the Ambassador Jay Catsby continues to await word from Professor Villars (and he now has been  waiting for well over 40 naptimes, time being measured in Catsby's Imperial realm   in units whose length corresponds to the average amoount of time the Emperor Catsby remains at rest, , the basic increment being a burst of inactivity approximately fifty minutes long) the CPR returns to the theme of how the pets spent their summer vacation,. Libby for her part spent her summer as Lady Emma's amanuensis, acting as Lady's personal secretary, always within "paw's reach" to perform any command and to record her Executive Orders. It was actually a pretty easy job, as Lady's main rival for power, Jay Catsby, was away at Ambassador School, and Pharoah, Catsby's main henchman, spent most of his time riding bare back on a leather armchair and snuggling on the towels at the High Shelf Club.  There was Darnell to deal with, but he had his own summer adventures, as we will soon learn in one of our next  updates on the pet summer activities.  The photos attached show Libby doing her job with her usual panache, aplomb, and slavish devotion to Lady.  .
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CPR 9-11-2012  THE AMBASSADOR CATSBY WAITS FOR A LETTER FROM EVELINA AND THE PROFESSOR VILLARS OF LOYOLA UNIVERSITY

Jay Catsby, in his capacity as Ambassador to the Imperial Court of the Emperor 
Jay Catsby, waited all day today on the back porch on his Ambassadorial 
Scratching Seat, waiting for a packet boat to cross the pond adjacent to the 
back yard, which pond is also known as "Star" Lake. ("Star" being a Quinnipiac 
Indian term which loosely translated means "Body of water that Lady Emma sniffs 
at the edge of and occasionally wolfs down goose poop from").  It is Catsby's 
understanding that the packet boat was to bear a letter from the Professor 
Villars, of Loyola, responding to the Ambassador's recent missive addressing his 
intentions towards the Professor's pretty Scottish Foal ward, Evelina.  It was 
Catsby's further understanding that this packet boat would be arrive by crossing 
the Chesapeake Bay, traveling up the Quinnipiac River, and then crossing the 
pond in the back yard.  If indeed there are other bodies of water involved in 
the journey, the Ambassador does not want to hear about them, as it will only 
make the journey, and the wait for Evelina's response, longer.  Regrettably, by 
the end of the day, the boat had not arrived, so it has turned out to be a long 
wait after all.  Catsby, like most cats, measures time in units of naps, and 
this wait was nearly an 20 napper, which is practically a full day.  The 
Ambassador feels the wait, like the naps, will be worth it though, so he will 
return tomorrow to pine for the packet he is sure to arrive.  Ah love.  Ah naps. 
 
SPONSORED BY PUSSYCAT PACKETS AND OCEAN AND LITTER BOX LINERS, A LONG DIVISION 
OF PHAROAH THE CAT AND JAY CATSBY ENTERPRISES, HONG KONG.

CPR 9-10-12  LETTER FROM AMBASSADOR JAY CATSBY TO PROFESSOR VILLARS, OF LOYOLA UNIVERSITY

 

 

CAN any thing, my good Sir, be more painful to a friendly mind, than a necessity 
of communicating disagreeable intelligence? Indeed it is sometimes difficult to 
determine, whether the relator or the receiver of evil tidings is most to be 
pitied. Yet, though a discord of considerable dimension may indeed be the 
consequence of these revelations to follow, I cannot concede the evilness of the 
tidings, for they spring not from any barrow of noxious feline discharge, but 
from the wellspring of joy and delight which sprays only intentions of the 
highest motive, commensurate with the the privilege of comprehending your ward, 
Evelina the Scottish Foal, whose slightest favor would shred the very couch of 
this cat's  soul. Though I have no claim to the paw of your ward greater than 
the zeal to which I must put forth my acquaintance. let me note, not by way of 
boast, but by means of necessity, that only in a foal so fair could there be 
achieved a correspondence between  ambition and governance, because who could 
rule the world without one worthy of ruling the heart? I am well circumstanced 
as Ambassador to the Empire of the Known Pet World, which includes the environs 
of Baltimore, south of the Hancock Parallel, but my Commission, proud though it 
may be --and oh yeah, did I mention I was also the Emperor ---is of no greater 
rank to me than that of a litter sweep, if my realm cannot include the occasion 
of a saucer of cream in the company of one so fair as your ward. Though it is 
with regret that I must inform my former betrothed, Poor Elsie, that our 
proposed nuptial joining has been miscomprehended, that intelligence, though 
certain to promote some discord  among those who chose to be advantaged by the 
occasion, (especially the milliners, who are as much to blame for Elsie's girth 
as Elsie herself, by whose measure was predicated the plus sized wedding gown), 
should by reason be a source of happiness to those who might bear the Empress's 
carriage, the litter bearers of my realm, who might match Poor Elsie's 
disappointment with relief equivalent to  the weight that has literally been 
lifted from their shoulders.  And is not Poor Elsie but Richer Elsie for having 
known my Imperial Aspect?  And will not Evelina,divine and considerably less 
heavy creature that she is, be a lot easier for my litter bearers to carry, and 
me to countenance, plying my troth?  I await your swift response, my Professor 
Villars, and will not be easily de-turd by any expression of reluctance on the 
part of she whom destiny has chosen to anoint as my bride with mouse merengue 
from what will be the Grandest Cake, Ever. 



CPR SEPTEMBER 10, 2012 ELSIE'S MAID OF HONOR

Elsie sent the Emperor Catsby a photo of her Maid of Honor, Evelina, modeling
her Maid of Honor's dress. (Photo 1)

Catsby, who previously was contented with his choice of Elsie, has been smitten.
(Photo 2)

Causing Darnell to chant"  You've lost your smittens, you silly kitten, now you
shall have no pie."

(Of course, it was never Catsby's intention to serve pie at his nuptials -- he
always envisioned the Grandest Cake, molded from cream and frozen mouse
merengue.)  Will Catsby go through with the wedding now that his heart belongs
to Evelina?  Stay tuned.

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MOUSE MERENGUE.

CPR SEPTEMBER 8TH, 2012 HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION- JAY CATSBY

CPR readers will recall, before the Great Chinese Cat Stowaway problem stole the 
headlines, that the CPR was detailing how the various pets spent their summer 
holidays.  Pharoah the Cat, the first pet so featured, spent his summer taking 
bare back riding lessons on the leather arm chair in the family room, and then 
luxuriating at the High Shelves Club.  Jay Catsby spent his summer at Ambassador 
School, following his appointment by still President Obama, learning how to deal 
with problems such whether or not to grant asylum to Chinese Stowaway Cats, and 
developing a taste for dim sum.  During most of the summer, Catsby largely (due 
to his excessive consumption of dim sum) put off preparing for his nuptials with 
his hand picked bride,  Elsie, the Scottish Fold from the Carroll County Cat 
Show. However, towards the end of the summer, Catsby finally found a moment to 
relax (Photo1) and gave a shout out  (Photo 2) to Elsie.  Well, at the beginning 
of the summer, there turned out to be a small problem with Elsie's wedding 
dress, which the milliners had apparently made several sizes too large for 
Elsie's petite frame.  This forced Elsie to eat rather extensively  for the 
balance of the summer, in order to fit into her dress, with predictable results. 
(Photo 3).  When Catsby saw how Elsie had reconfigured herself, he momentarily 
thought of suspending the nuptials, but then decided that since the dress had 
already been paid for by his Ambassador's Slush Fund, there was no sense 
abandoning his investment, and besides, he likes a kitty with a little bit of 
meat on her bones.  So the wedding is still on! CPR readers should watch for 
their invites in their e-mails! 
 
SPONSORED BY THE NEARSIGHTED ELDERLY SEAMSTRESSES OF CARROLL COUNTY MARYLAND WHO 
CANNOT MEND STRAIGHT. 

CPR 9-7-2012 AMBASSADOR CATSBY RULES ON THE CHINESE STOWAWAY'S PETITION FOR AMNESTY

 The Ambassador Jay Catsby, after feasting on Dim Sum (Photos 1, 2, and 3) has issued the following opinion on the petition for amnesty of Ni Hao, Chinese Stowaway Cat:

"The idea that we are at the mercy of the Chinese — that terrible things would happen if they stopped buying our bonds, or kept sending us their cats — is very influential. Yet it’s just wrong. We’re in a situation in which the incipient supply of savings, and of cats — that is, the amount that people would save at full employment , or the number of cats they would send us— is greater than the incipient demand for investment, or for cats. And this excess supply of savings and cats leads to a depressed economy. What China does by buying bonds, and sending us cats,  is add to the excess savings, and the surplus of cats — which makes our situation worse. (This is just another way of saying that the artiicial trade and cat  surplus hurts our economy — just another way of stating the same thing). And we want them to do less of it; far from fearing that they will stop, we should welcome the prospect. Yet this point isn’t even controversial — by and large, commentators aren’t even aware that fear-of-China syndrome, or the fear-of-Chinese stowaway cats,  might be in error.  So while I will grant the petition of this particular Chinese Stowaway cat, I expect him to behave himself while he is here, and not festoon 540 Paddock or paper the pantry litter box area with treasury bills.  In short, paws off our bonds.  That, or become my Galley Cat."

We will see when the markets re-open on Monday what effect the Ambassador's ruling will have on commodities and kitten swaps.

SPONSORED BY THE CHAIRMAN OF FELINE FEDERAL PURRSERVE, BEN FUR-NAKE.