CPR 2-20-2012 PETS GO IN, PETS GO OUT--THE CIRCLE OF INDOOR/OUTDOOR LIFE

It's President's Day, and Lady as Head Pet declared a celebration in her honor.  Head Pet, says Lady, is the equivalent of being president.

So when Kathleen aired out the house, Gracie went out on the roof.  How she got off the roof is a mystery, but when she was next seen she was meowing to be let in the front door.  (Photos 1 and 2).  The other pets enjoyed the outdoors, and scoffed at the prediction on February 2nd of Puxahanty Phil, the Groundhog, that there would be six more weeks of winter.  Kathleen worked hard all day cleaning up fur, so it would appear some animals are prepared to shed their winter coats.  Of course, Lady's coat, as a Head Pet, is a North Face.

SPONSORED BY NORTH FACE.  YES, WE MAKE JACKETS FOR PETS TOO.

CPR 2-20-2012 PETS GO IN, PETS GO OUT, THE CIRCLE OF INDOOR/OUTDOOR LIFE

It's President's Day, and Lady as Head Pet declared a celebration in her honor.  Head Pet, says Lady, is the equivalent of being president.

So when Kathleen aired out the house, Gracie went out on the roof.  How she got off the roof is a mystery, but when she was next seen she was meowing to be let in the front door.  (Photos 1 and 2).  The other pets enjoyed the outdoors, and scoffed at the prediction on February 2nd of Puxahanty Phil, the Groundhog, that there would be six more weeks of winter.  Kathleen worked hard all day cleaning up fur, so it would appear some animals are prepared to shed their winter coats.  Of course, Lady's coat, as a Head Pet, is a North Face.

SPONSORED BY NORTH FACE.  YES, WE MAKE JACKETS FOR PETS TOO.

CPR 2-19-2012 DAISY THE CAT URGES FELLOW PETS TO UPDATE THEIR IMMUNIZATIONS

Long time subscribers to the CPR are aware of Daisy the Cat's international 
celebrity as a ski cap model, as well as her success as 
a Hair Chewing Salon Owner and Franchisor.(See CPR 10-18-2011 Profiles in 
Fur-rage, The Daisy the Cat Story) (This CPR will run as a bonus on the 
blog--calistropetreport.blogspot.com-- for those who missed it when it was first 
published).  Daisy claims to be only too familiar with the stresses and strains 
of celebrity, which she feels contributed to the tragic death of Whitney 
Houston.   Daisy says being hounded by the "pup-a-razzi" can not only lead to 
drug use and binge cat nipping, but to eating disorders.  Though Daisy isn't 
proud of it, she herself has an eating disorder,which she  struggles with to 
this day.  Daisy's particular disorder is that she cannot eat in front of the 
other cats-- she thinks they are staring at her, even though she knows they are 
in most cases only staring at her bowl of food in the hopes that she won't 
finish it all and they can scarf it down themselves. Daisy's disorder has forced 
your Reporter to feed her separately from the other pets, on the top step of the 
basement stairs, with the door closed so no one can see her. Because of her 
struggles to maintain her health, Daisy has become very conscious of the need 
for all the pets to keep their appointments at the East Side Veterinary Clinic 
so they can keep current on their immunizations.  Having lost her brother  
Goliath in the past year, she believes in early detection of pet illnesses and 
preventative care,.  She has volunteered her image for posters to be printed and 
hung at 540 Paddock Avenue.  The PR Team of Catsby and Pharoah are working on 
the poster copy, and have tentatively dubbed the campaign, "Feel Good and Look 
Good, like Daisy the Cat,. See your vet, and Darnell, time to get your balls cut 
off."  Daisy has given her approval to the first part of this message, but she 
feels the second part of the message might inhibit Darnell from going to see the 
veterinarian.  Hence, as with all Catsby and Pharoah Pet Public Relations 
campaigns, this effort remains a work, if not wreck,  in progress. 
 
SPONSORED BY EAST SIDE VETERINARY CLINIC.  FEEL GOOD, LOOK GOOD, LIKE DAISY THE 
CAT, AND DARNELL, TIME TO GET YOUR BALLS CUT OFF,. 

CPR 10-18-2011 PROFILES IN FURRAGE:  THE DAISY THE CAT STORY--MY VOYAGE OUT FROM UNDER THE BED

Move to:     Prev  |  Next  Our first subject in the Profiles in Furrage series is Daisy the Cat. Daisy was born in February 1997 in Winnie the Cat Lady's House on South Curtis Street, in Meriden. She came to 540 Paddock with another kitten from her litter in March of 1997. She was the tinier of the two kittens, and at first, since she was thought to be a boy, she was named David, because she was smaller than her brother, who got named Goliath. It should have been obvious from the start, because of her beauty, that she was a girl, but once it was determined she was a girl, her name got changed from David to Daisy. Daisy has always been supermodel thin, but she has had to combat shyness. When she arrived at 540 Paddock Avenue, a kindly avuncular cat, named Wally, took Daisy aside and counseled her. We'll let Daisy tell the story in her own words: CPR: Tell us about your early days at 540 Paddock Avenue. Daisy the Cat (DTC): When I got to Paddock Avenue, there were two fairly elderly cats living there already, Wally and the Beaver. Mr. Wally was so very kind to me. He said to me, Daisy, you are an exceptionally pretty little kitten, with very pretty ears, a cute nose,and the most remarkable gooseberry green eyes. If you stay thin, I bet you can be a cat model when you grow up! Unless you develop a weepy eye, or a cleft paw. So I took his advice to heart: I stayed thin, and I kept my paws from cleaving. And I became a world famous ski cap cat model! CPR: How did you get your break in ski cap cat modeling? DTC: Ironically enough, it started when my girl, Gina, took to sleeping with a ski cap on, to keep me from chewing her hair. Incidentally, I discovered that by chewing hair, you can achieve a very fashionable look, which led to my other career, that of Cat Chewing Salon owner and franchisor. We now have franchises in all 50 states and in Switzerland. CPR: Why Switzerland? DTC: It is a very fashionable country. Only fashionable people get married there, and when they get married there, they need a certain look. CPR: What kind of look? DTC: A look like their hair has been chewed by a cat. CPR: So you were saying how you got your break in ski cap cat modeling... DTC: One night, Gina's hat fell off, and I crawled inside of it to sleep. Well at that moment a Cat Modeling Talent Scout happened by, and and next thing you know, I'm doing a spread in the HARTZ MOUNTAIN catalog, and things took off from there. CPR: Some of the humans at 540 Paddock don't understand how you could have had this great modeling career when it seems to them you spend all your time hiding under a bed. DTC: I have to hide under the bed! The PUSS-A-RAZZI will not leave me alone! Anyway, the humans are never around during the day. I get on the train, do a shoot, and I am back before anyone even knows I am gone. CPR: Tell us about your charity, PETME. DTC: Pets for the Ethical Treatment of Moles and Edward. CPR: Who is Edward. DTC: He is a mole. Actually, was a mole. Pharoah bit his head off. But it was done ethically. CPR had to conclude the interview at this point, as the PUSS-A-RAZZI began chasing after Daisy, and cornered her in the bedroom, which has resulted in these photos. This Profile will be continued, contingent upon Daisy's schedule.

CPR 2-18-2012  PHAROAH'S SATURDAY NIGHT DATE

Being a venture cat capitalist, manufacturer, and promoter, can be fairly 
exhausting, especially when there are problems in the chain of supply, as often 
happens when your labor is comprised mainly of flaky and adoringly exploitable 
kittens.  So at least one night a week you need a night out, and Pharoah's night 
out happens to fall on a Saturday.  It turns out that Pharoah has a standing 
date with the single lady who lives across the street, who for the sake of 
discretion, we will refer to as "G". Pharoah's practice is to start grooming 
himself around 4:30, and he does a very thorough job, as you can see by the 
attached photos.  He usually starts on his chest, then moves on to his paws, and 
finally he cleans behind his ears.  Then he applies a splash of cat cologne, a 
Snow Bengalese brand, called "Cheat-eh".  Around 5:30 PM or so he stands by the 
door and starts meowing to be let out.  He then trots across the street (looking 
carefully both ways before crossing) and sits on "G's" doorstep until "G" lets 
him in.  What goes on inside G's house for the next fourteen hours no one knows 
(and Pharoah isn't talking) but the humans at 540 Paddock are usually alerted 
around 9:30 Sunday morning that "Pharoah is here".  When your reporter goes 
across the street (looking carefully both ways) to pick up Pharoah, he is 
usually greeted at the front door by a purring Pharoah being held by a slyly 
smiling "G".  Your reporter always politely states that he "hopes Pharoah was no 
trouble" and G usually responds, " Oh he's no trouble at all. He loves to sleep 
on my bed." That rascal. 
 
SPONSORED BY "CHEAT-EH": THE MASCULINE CAT COLOGNE FOR THE CAT WHO LIKES TO PLAY 
AROUND 

CPR 2-17-2012  HISTORICAL ANTIPATHY EXPLAINED

 Subscribers will recall that Libby the Cat in Tuesday night's CPR (2-14-2012 PETS CLAIM CREDIT FOR VIRGINIA'S MAKING DEAN'S LIST) claimed that her Purple Scarf was ceremonial and celebratory  headwear from her native land of Weepy Eyelandia.  Libby claimed that the reason she detested Pharoah was because his native country, The Pussie's Republic of Snow Bengalia, had invaded her country, and forced her to work in a cheap kitten labor factory, making crates for stolen laptops and Haka Karoake machines.  Your reporter was initially skeptical of these claims, but Libby showed him the attached photo of  a ferocious Pharoah look alike (Photo 1), which was taken, Libby claims, at a Dean's List Celebration that got crashed by a band of marauding Snow Bengalese.  When your reporter asked Libby if she had any other documentary proof that the Snow Bengalese had invaded Weepy Eyelandia, she showed me a photo of another Pharoah Look Alike doing a "Sieg Paw"  salute to the Snow Bengalese Dictator, referred to as the "Fur"eher" by the Snow Bengalese.  Libby claims the "Fur eher" led the Snow Bengalese army across the Weepy Eyelandia border in a "kittenzkrieg", sweeping up the innocent young kittens like herself and locking them up in factories.  She offered as her final documentary proof a photo of our own Pharoah yawning (Photo 3), pointing out the uncanny similarity in jaw musculature between that which is visible in Photo 3 and Photo 1. "Surely," said Libby, you can understand the antipathy I experience every time I enter a room and Pharoah is already there.  This whole business with him and Catsby's trying to corner (or rather, crate) the haka karaoke machine market just brings back memories of all the ruined Dean's List celebrations I attended in the Old Country."  Your Reporter had to agree the photos were dramatic, and that the Snow Bengalese in Photo 1 bore an uncanny resemblance to Pharoah.  Libby's story has to be told in the next Profile  in Fur-rage, and perhaps Pharoah's in a new feature," Profiles in Fur-ehers"

SPONSORED BY THE WEEPY EYELANDIA CONSULATE IN MERIDEN, LOCATED AT THE MERIDEN HUMANE SHELTER

CPR 2-16-2012  EATING CONTROVERSY SETTLED

Tonight at Cabbage Hill, Justice Silvio Scatia finally tired of the endless 
petitions being filed by Lady Emma and her attorneys--writs of habeas corpulent 
felinus-- seeking a final decision with regard to the eating competition that 
took place in October 2011 between Jay Catsby and Pharoah. (For those 
subscribers who have only recently joined us, the CPRs on that competition and 
its legal aftermath have been downloaded to our blog,http://calistropetreport.blogspot.com/).  Rather than trusting his clerk, 
Big Mama, to write the overdue Part III of his opinion, he decided to refer the 
case to his Parajudicial Officer, Clyde, for a settlement conference.  Clyde 
immediately held a settlement conference,and, as was his practice, did not 
notify any of the parties that he was conducting the conference.  "I find it 
easier to settle the cases referred to me by Justice Scatia" Clyde said "When 
the parties are not present to argue about stuff."  Indeed, Parajudicial Officer 
Clyde's success rate in settling cases referred to him is 100% when the parties 
are not notified of the settlement conference and/or do not show up.  Photos 1 
and 2 show Clyde announcing the settlement by peering through the rails on the 
upstairs bannister and mocking the litigants who are not there.  The terms of 
the settlement were described by Clyde as follows:  " No one truly wins in life.  
At best, life is just a ball of string, which pets can unwind, and wind,  
unwind, and wind,  until the string either gets tangled up, or runs out.  In 
this matter, the string has both run out, and gotten tangled. Accordingly, the 
parties have agreed by way of settlement in absentia to forfeit all the money 
bet on the eating competition to the Court, to be split 50/50 between Justice 
Silvio Scatia and his Parajudicial Officer, me, Clyde." 

 Clyde reported this settlement to Justice Scatia, who then proceeded, as was his

 custom, to canvass the absent parties, to make sure they were entering into this

 settlement of their own free will, and that no one had forced them to accept this 

compromise. Hearing no objection from the litigants who were not there, 

Justice Scatia found that the compromise achieved was fair and just, 

and entered it as of record fromhis bed in his chambers. (Photo 3),

 Being mightily pleased, he then returned to his nap, and instructed 

his clerk Big Mama to toss into the trashcan any more 
petitions received from those pesky pets at 540 Paddock.  

  SPONSORED BY THE CAT CASH FORFEITED TO THE COURT OF JUSTICE SILVIO SCATIA BY PREVIOUS NON-PARTICIPANTS IN PARAJUDICIAL OFFICER CLYDE'S SETTLEMENT CONFERENCES