CPR 2-2-2013  INVESTIGATION INTO DARNELL ROID USE RESULTS IN SWEEPING INDICTMENT

 

Independent Prosecutor Jay Catsby could look the other way no longer and today 
issued his Investigative Report, which included the following findings: 
 
1) Darnell received Feline Growth Hormone injections during holiday visits to 
Cabbage Hill, the most recent being this past New Year's.  While the humans were 
inside Aunt Debbie's eating delicious food, Darnell, who had secretly sneaked 
into the human van on the way down to Cabbage Hill, was being injected by Dr. 
Yow-Yow  in Ms. Gin's Cabbage Hill Anti-Caging Clinic. 
 
2) Besides FGH, Darnell was also injected by Dr. Yow-Yow (Photo 1)with CCE 
(Concentrated Catnip Extract), MLUS (Mountain Lion Urine Serum), and IPECAT 
Syrup,  for neutralizing the toxic by product of rat poison. 
 
3) Darnell the Cat attempted to mask the presence of these outlawed drugs by 
doping his blood  samples with Purina Friskies Turkey 
Dinner in Gravy Prime Filets. 
 
4) Specimens of Darnell's stool obtained by the ever vigilant and litter box 
snacking Lady Emma also contained the tiny wooden crutches of lame mice who were 
supposed to have received special exemption from being hunted by the rules of 
Major League Mouse Hunting,. 
 
Said Independent Prosecutor Jay Catsby in issuing his report: " I am shocked, 
absolutely shocked at this flagrant abuse of MLMH's rules regarding PEDs 
(Pussycat Enhanced Drugs) and even more am I shocked that I was able not to look 
the other way for the entire duration of my issuing this report, as even now, I 
feel compelled to look the other way at something that is always more 
interesting than whatever is in front of me."  (Photos 2 and 3).  " I have 
recommended to Commissioner Butt Smelling that Darnell have his Mouse Hunting 
Trophies taken away from him and that he be declared either eligible or 
ineligible to compete in the Tour De France, whatever the Commissioner thinks is 
 funnier" 
Tomorrow: Commissioner Butt Smelling, looking curiously like Pharoah the Cat, 
decides what is funnier. 
 
SPONSORED BY PURINA FRISKIES TURKEY DINNER IN GRAVY PRIME FILLETS, DELICIOUS FOR 
DINNER AND DELIGHTFUL FOR MASKING BLOOD AND STOOL SAMPLES