CPR 2-17-2012  HISTORICAL ANTIPATHY EXPLAINED

 Subscribers will recall that Libby the Cat in Tuesday night's CPR (2-14-2012 PETS CLAIM CREDIT FOR VIRGINIA'S MAKING DEAN'S LIST) claimed that her Purple Scarf was ceremonial and celebratory  headwear from her native land of Weepy Eyelandia.  Libby claimed that the reason she detested Pharoah was because his native country, The Pussie's Republic of Snow Bengalia, had invaded her country, and forced her to work in a cheap kitten labor factory, making crates for stolen laptops and Haka Karoake machines.  Your reporter was initially skeptical of these claims, but Libby showed him the attached photo of  a ferocious Pharoah look alike (Photo 1), which was taken, Libby claims, at a Dean's List Celebration that got crashed by a band of marauding Snow Bengalese.  When your reporter asked Libby if she had any other documentary proof that the Snow Bengalese had invaded Weepy Eyelandia, she showed me a photo of another Pharoah Look Alike doing a "Sieg Paw"  salute to the Snow Bengalese Dictator, referred to as the "Fur"eher" by the Snow Bengalese.  Libby claims the "Fur eher" led the Snow Bengalese army across the Weepy Eyelandia border in a "kittenzkrieg", sweeping up the innocent young kittens like herself and locking them up in factories.  She offered as her final documentary proof a photo of our own Pharoah yawning (Photo 3), pointing out the uncanny similarity in jaw musculature between that which is visible in Photo 3 and Photo 1. "Surely," said Libby, you can understand the antipathy I experience every time I enter a room and Pharoah is already there.  This whole business with him and Catsby's trying to corner (or rather, crate) the haka karaoke machine market just brings back memories of all the ruined Dean's List celebrations I attended in the Old Country."  Your Reporter had to agree the photos were dramatic, and that the Snow Bengalese in Photo 1 bore an uncanny resemblance to Pharoah.  Libby's story has to be told in the next Profile  in Fur-rage, and perhaps Pharoah's in a new feature," Profiles in Fur-ehers"

SPONSORED BY THE WEEPY EYELANDIA CONSULATE IN MERIDEN, LOCATED AT THE MERIDEN HUMANE SHELTER

CPR 2-16-2012  EATING CONTROVERSY SETTLED

Tonight at Cabbage Hill, Justice Silvio Scatia finally tired of the endless 
petitions being filed by Lady Emma and her attorneys--writs of habeas corpulent 
felinus-- seeking a final decision with regard to the eating competition that 
took place in October 2011 between Jay Catsby and Pharoah. (For those 
subscribers who have only recently joined us, the CPRs on that competition and 
its legal aftermath have been downloaded to our blog,http://calistropetreport.blogspot.com/).  Rather than trusting his clerk, 
Big Mama, to write the overdue Part III of his opinion, he decided to refer the 
case to his Parajudicial Officer, Clyde, for a settlement conference.  Clyde 
immediately held a settlement conference,and, as was his practice, did not 
notify any of the parties that he was conducting the conference.  "I find it 
easier to settle the cases referred to me by Justice Scatia" Clyde said "When 
the parties are not present to argue about stuff."  Indeed, Parajudicial Officer 
Clyde's success rate in settling cases referred to him is 100% when the parties 
are not notified of the settlement conference and/or do not show up.  Photos 1 
and 2 show Clyde announcing the settlement by peering through the rails on the 
upstairs bannister and mocking the litigants who are not there.  The terms of 
the settlement were described by Clyde as follows:  " No one truly wins in life.  
At best, life is just a ball of string, which pets can unwind, and wind,  
unwind, and wind,  until the string either gets tangled up, or runs out.  In 
this matter, the string has both run out, and gotten tangled. Accordingly, the 
parties have agreed by way of settlement in absentia to forfeit all the money 
bet on the eating competition to the Court, to be split 50/50 between Justice 
Silvio Scatia and his Parajudicial Officer, me, Clyde." 

 Clyde reported this settlement to Justice Scatia, who then proceeded, as was his

 custom, to canvass the absent parties, to make sure they were entering into this

 settlement of their own free will, and that no one had forced them to accept this 

compromise. Hearing no objection from the litigants who were not there, 

Justice Scatia found that the compromise achieved was fair and just, 

and entered it as of record fromhis bed in his chambers. (Photo 3),

 Being mightily pleased, he then returned to his nap, and instructed 

his clerk Big Mama to toss into the trashcan any more 
petitions received from those pesky pets at 540 Paddock.  

  SPONSORED BY THE CAT CASH FORFEITED TO THE COURT OF JUSTICE SILVIO SCATIA BY PREVIOUS NON-PARTICIPANTS IN PARAJUDICIAL OFFICER CLYDE'S SETTLEMENT CONFERENCES

CPR 10-4-2011 JUSTICE SILVIO SCATIA ISSUES PART 1 OF HIS OPINION IN EATING CONTROVERSY

 

News came today from Justice Silvio Scatia's chambers that the Judge had woken up from his nap, and climbed up on top of the refrigerator at Cabbage Hill, his higher bench, to issue Part I of his opinion on the controversy over whether or not the eating competition between Catsby and Pharoah had been properly adjudged by Gracie. Here is the advance sheet of his opinion:

"This matter comes before me on a claim that an eating competition between two cats was not properly judged by another cat, and a result, a dog lost money betting on a cat. I will take up the issue of the dog losing money first.

"Caveat Canis" is a fundamental maxim in cat, er, I mean pet, jurisprudence. Dogs are gluttonous omnivores who kiss human ass and pretend to be man's best friend, even while eating them out of house and home. What is particularly disturbing is that dogs will eat anything, and I mean anything, even cat turds rolled in kitty litter. This court finds the very concept of dogs eating cat turds so offensive that it insists its own kitty litter box be cleaned daily by robots, and then it is my standing order (more like a squatting order) that the contents of my litter box be placed under hermitic seal, in containers, which containers are then moved to caves, and tended to by hermits, until such time as my library gets built, and my turds may be properly displayed, along with my papers, in giant glass floor to ceiling cases. So it is a basic principle in cat, er, I mean, pet jurisprudence that in any controversy involving a dog and a cat, BLAME THE DOG. Here, it is clear from the briefs submitted that a particular dog, Lady Emma, allegedly a great friend of felines, stood to profit from a decision that determined that Pharoah was interfered with by Libby while engaged in the eating competition. It is this Court's opinion that dogs should not be allowed to win money from cats. Period. This opinion does not rest on any prejudice (although it is the Court's opinion that dogs are dumb, graceless butt sniffers and a massive waste of fur) but is rooted in precedent-- specifically, the precedent established by dogs with money, who don't know how to budget, and spend it on stupid things like victrolas and squeaky plastic toys. I mean really. Now if you will excuse me I need to take a short recess to lick myself.

When this opinion was read to Lady Emma, she was quite shaken. (photo 1) She had no idea that there were caves of cat turds waiting to be discovered and ransacked. For his part, Catsby wanted to wait for the second part of Justice Silvio Scatia's opinion before commenting; he tried to hide from this reporter by napping under the covers on the bed, but such as your reporter's indefatigable reportorial skills that he was coaxed out from under the covers for these exclusive photos.

Sponsored by RCA Victrolas, whose motto is "Only Dogs are Dumb Enough to Buy a Victrola rather than an IPOD"

CPR 10-9-2011 JAY CATSBY'S STRUGGLE FOR JUSTICE

Jay Catsby, in his capacity as Clerk for Justice Gracie SotoMeow, has been 
struggling to draft an opinion declaring himself the un-interfered with winner 
of the Eating Competition.  While he clearly knows the result, his main struggle 
is reasoning to the result.  Well in truth, his main struggle is with using a 
quill pen. It isn't just the clumsiness of holding the quill with his paws; it's 
the feather. Feathers drive Catsby crazy. It puts in him in mind of cat show 
judging. Not that Catsby has ever been in a cat show. But he is a religious 
watcher of the CSC (The Cat Show Channel), and the part of the judging where the 
cat is tickled with a feather is always the most dramatic part of the show.  So 
Catsby tends to put off the actual writing of the opinion,and spends a lot of 
time consulting the record.  Unfortunately, Catsby's grasp of a clerk's 
responsibilities is fairly literal-- he assumes that the record he is supposed 
to be consulting is the one found on the record player. See photo 1.  He also 
doesn't consult the record so much as he guards it. See Photos 2 and 3.  But he 
certainly looks handsome doing so. 
 
Sponsored by the Quill Cat Pen Corporation.  A major Sponsor of the Cat Show 
Channel.

CPR 10-10-2011 JUSTICE SOTOMEOW ISSUES MY, ER RATHER, HER DECISION

Justice Gracie SotoMeow has issued her opinion, from the Highest Court, on top of the refrigerator at 540 Paddock, in the case of Lady Emma vs. Libby the Cat. " I, Justice Gracie SotoMeow, and not Jay Catsby my clerk, he has nothing to do with this, this is all me, myself, I, and not Catsby, all he did was examine the record, and watch it go round and round and round, which sure made me, I mean, him, dizzy! No,this decision is entirely mine, Justice Gracie SotoMeow, and Jay Catsby, my clerk, HAS ABSOLUTELY AND POSITIVELY HAD NO HAND, OR PAW, IN WRITING THIS DECISION, certainly not by holding the feathered Quill Pen in his paws and struggling painstakingly with each little quilling, or by being bemused by the Feather of the Pen, not unlike those cats on the CAT SHOW CHANNEL, which I, meaning me Justice SotoMeow and certainly not Jay Catsby my clerk who does love watching the feather part of the judging, or so he tells me, or would have told me if he had anything to do with the actual quilling of this opinion, which of course he didn't , given that it was solely and wholly me, Justice SotoMeow, not me, Jay Catsby, who I don't even know what the decision is, except of course that I am the Justice SotoMeow, and my decision is JAY CATSBY WINS! JAY CATSBY WINS! JAY CATSBY WINS! And of course to prove that it is I, Justice SotoMeow, who is making this decision, and not anyone else, and certainly not Catsby, my clerk, I am attaching to my opinion a photo of me Justice Gracie Sotomeow standing on top of the refrigerator looking judicial, and a photo of me, Justice Gracie SotoMeow, reading my opinion from my food bowl, where my clerk Jay Catsby certainly did not put it there for me to read, as an opinion is not OFFICIAL and IMPORTANT unless it is read from a food bowl, and every cat knows this, even one made dizzy by his examination of the record going round,round, round, or, er, rather HER examination of the record, as I, Justice Gracie SotoMeow, am a wise Latina female cat, and not a male cat, like Catsby would be if he had anything to do with being dizzy or quilling this opinion, even though distinctions such as male and female are largely moot (a wise latina word) when pets have been neutered, as I have been told both myself and Justice SotoMeow have been, or rather, myself, Justice SotoMeow, has been told, Catsby hasn't been told anything, this decision is a complete SURPRISE to him, I am sure, just as it will be a suprise to Pharoah-- hey Pharoah! Wake up! (Photo 3) You lost! I won! I mean, not I, Justice Sotomeow, not I, I haven't won, I am above the law, I am above the refrigerator, and the lettuce, and the milk, and the left over humus from when Dominic was home, actually, it is not I who have won, no, but JAY CATSBY WHO HAS WON! who isn't me, of course, Justice Gracie Sotomeow, but me, or rather, him, Jay Catsby my clerk who had nothing to do with the quilling of this opinion, oh feather how you excite me, I mean him, not I, or me, rather, but Jay Catsby who has won. Yes, definitely Jay Catsby has won the eating competition. Jay Catsby, who is not me nor has ever been me. Dizzy, so dizzy. So Says Me, Jay, I mean, J as in Justice, Justice Gracie SotoMeow. SPONSORED BY JUSTICE GRACIE SOTOMEOW and definitely not sponsored in any way by Jay Catsby. Wait. What. I'm neutered? A CPR shout out to Dominic Calistro-- Happy 21st Birthday!                                  Prev  |  Next  Date: To: Cc: Subject: CPR 10-10-2011 JUSTICE SOTOMEOW ISSUES MY, RATHER HER, DECISION Size: Attachments:

CPR 10-12-2011 THIS ISN'T OVER YET CATSBY

Rumors abounded (not unlike Tigger in Winnie the Pooh) today that Justice Silvio 
Scatia would issue his opinion tomorrow, when your reporter visits Cabbage Hill 
and is able to photograph him on top of his refrigerator, or rather, bench.   
The hold up in the issuance of his opinion has apparently been that lately the 
Justice has not looked his best, due to the flea infestation that has rocked 
Cabbage Hill. Justice Scatia was said to be scratching his head while reading 
Justice Sotomeow's decision, although he may have just  been scratching his head 
because of the flea infestation. However, according to Justice Scatia's clerk, 
Miss Ginny (Justice Scatia finds it useful to have human input into his decision 
making, particularly input in the form of being fed), Justice Scatia is 
concerned about the appearance of im-pet-priety, which is different in his view 
than the appearance of impropriety, or im-pup-priety, which is okay, since dogs 
don't deserve even handed, or even pawed, treatment, being an inferior species 
than cats.  But of course Justice Scatia's views regarding dogs were covered 
fairly thoroughly in Part One of his decision. See CPR 10-4-2011.Nevertheless,  
Lady Emma and Pharoah were somewhat encouraged by the rumors, and met together 
in the chair in the kitchen (Photo 1) to discuss whether it would be a good idea 
to send a gift basket to Justice Scatia before he issued his decision.  However, 
they were interrupted in their planning by an eavesdropping Catsby (Photo 2), 
which cut short their deliberations, and which resulted in a confused Pharoah 
thinking that he was to be delivered in the gift basket to Justice Scatia (Photo 
3).  Your reporter figures that if it keeps him from sneaking out tonight and 
stealing more laptops, there is no point disabusing him of the notion.So he can 
sleep in the basket tonight. Wimoweh. 
 
Sponsored by the Tokens.  Wimoweh. The Lion Sleeps Tonight.  

CPR 2-15-2012 RETRO MONDAY ON WEDNESDAY RETURNETH

Back to back, and belly to belly, comes the return of Retro Monday on Wednesday!  Today's Retro Feature features the Great Goliath as a young kitten, set to explore the World, with his strong profile, and clear gaze. (Photo 1) (This is by no means a shot at some of our cats who perhaps are not as clear eyed, as being clear eyed in merely a genetic marker among felines, and is no reflection on their intelligence or grooming habits, with the possible exception of cats whose eyes are bleary due to excessive drug or alcohol intake, which fortunately none of our felines are, unless you count the Emperor Catsby, who is apparently drunk with power.)  Photos 2 and 3 show the adolescent Goliath, posing with Daisy, and then posing with Dominic.   For those of our subscribers who are not familiar with Goliath, he was a cat who was perhaps the Patriarch of the Pets, a role he grew into over the many happy years he graced 540 Paddock with his presence.  Goliath sadly passed away in September, and was by acclaim elected by the pets of the 540 Paddock Avenue, posthumously, as Head Pet, a title  Lady Emma was glad to relinquish, even as she continued to serve the day to day functions of Head Pet in Goliath's absence.  This is what Jay Catsby doesn't understand-- you cannot rule by fiat.  Of course, the keys that Virginia left for Catsby and Pharoah to use for their late night automotive forays were not for a fiat, but for a mustang, one with an automatic transmission.  Notwithstanding the Emperor Catsby's claims of omnipotence, it is highly unlikely he could drive a car, like a fiat, with a standard shift.  Let's face it--- he can't stand up out of  a "Raised Paws and Right Hind Foot" (Urdhva Hastasana Pussyfootmukha) Yoga  pose without falling into his water dish; using a stick shift would probably put him in the veterinary hospital, along with any other pets unfortunate enough to be out driving while he was attempting to accelerate and shift. 

SPONSORED BY THE FIAT (FIX IT AGAIN, TOMCAT) MOTOR COMPANY