CPR 1-16-2013 DAISY THE CAT GETS GOOD NEWS

What better way to begin the first CPR of the New Year than to report that rumors of Daisy the Cat's demise have been greatly exaggerated. Daisy went to see her vet on Tuesday morning due to some concerns regarding a regrettable incontinence. Blood and urine work was performed, and Daisy received a relatively clean bill of health-- no Feline Aids, no Diabetes, no serious illness. All the pets were greatly "relieved" that the incontinence was not indicative of a serious veterinary problem, but the differential diagnosis did cause some concern. Daisy's wee problem is apparently due to stress. It now becomes the obligation of the household to figure out the source of the stress and to try to alleviate it. Your reporter asked Daisy what the problem was, and she was strident in complaining that she had been duped by Darnell into investing a vast amount of her hair chewing salon fortune in a" Paw"nzi Scheme. The stress of losing her fortune, coupled with the stress of the Virginia and Dominic going back to school, led to an irritation of her bladder, and made her mightily "pissed off", resulting in the aforesaid regrettable incontinence. (See photos 1 and 2, Daisy clearly irritated and PO'd). To try to relieve Daisy's stress, the Vet has recommended antibiotics and an all expense paid vacation in St. Kitts. (Short for St. Kittens). Darnell has suggested an alternative, which is a time share in a condo in Fair Haven, which he is willing to subsidize with some money he has come into recently, or at least he is willing to pay for the first night of Daisy's condo stay, after which if she convinces four of her friends to pay for a night in the time share, and they convince four of their friends, Daisy will get a cut of each payment, after Darnell receives his share, which is quite large, and in no time at all, well, Daisy's fortune will be restored,. (Photo 3, Daisy wondering what's wrong with this plan). Wait. What. While it makes sense on paper, Daisy has concluded that this scheme of Darnell's doesn't sound very relaxing! So I guess it's off to St. KItts. We can only hope she'll be able to squeeze in some golf.

 SPONSORED BY THE FAIR HAVEN CONDO TIME SHARE ADVENTURE, S.A., ,Darnell the Cat, Principal, It's Motto: "We offer the Duped the Chance to Recoup"

CPR 11-8-2012 IT'S OFFICIAL! LADY EMMA WINS! CATSBY AND HEDGIE DO VICTORY JIG!

Catsby and Hedgie do a victory jig while Lady Emma beams!  (photos 1, 2, and 3) 
 
IT'S LADY IN A LANDSLIDE FOR NATIONAL HEAD PET! 
 
SPONSORED BY NATE SILVER, WHO SAYS, I PREDICTED THIS. 

CPR 11-6-2012 PETS VOTE IN NATIONAL HEAD PET ELECTION

It was an exciting National Head Pet night, and the 540 Paddock Pets were proud 
to exercise their franchise, although Darnell mistook Lady's exhortation to 
"stuff the ballot box" and instead stuffed the "litter box".  He got a "I voted 
today!" sticker anyway. (Photo 1) Jay Catsby was asked, after he voted, to 
participate in an exit poll, and was asked what he thought of outlawing the 
participation of Spinmasters in the Head Pet election process. (Photo 2).  
Meanwhile, at Lady Emma's Campaign Headquarters, optimism reigned, as early poll 
returns showed that she had voted for herself (Photo 3).  Despite Catsby's 
unwillingness to participate in an exit polls, interviews of other pets showed 
Master Sassafras's spinning had its effect, as 57% of the pets favoring more 
naps, and 42% of the pets favoring more more naps, said that the so called 
"rationing" of naps did not affect their support of either Lady Emma or more 
naps. 
 
So many excellent photos were taken of the pets wearing their "I voted Today" 
that the Pet Election Commission has decided to delay the release of the voting 
results until tomorrow night so that more of these photos may be attached. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE GRAND GLORIOUS PAGEANT OF THE PET ELECTORAL PROCESS, WHERE THE 
PETS MAKE UP THE RULES AS THEY GO ALONG. 

CPR 11-5-2012 EROSION IN POLLS SPURS MASTER SASSAFRAS TRUTH SPINNING

On the heels (okay, paws) of Pharoah the Cat's jumping off Lady Emma's bandwagon 
in protest over the Emergency Pet Rationing, Lady Emma's campaign was forced to 
do damage control on the eve of the National Head Pet Election. First, her 
SpokesCat, Daisy the Cat, stated that the Emergency Order allegedly rationing 
the naps was misunderstood; actually, the Order recommended that Pets hoard 
naps, and that it was only "rational" that pets in times of crisis take every 
available nap.  To explain away the misunderstanding, Lady dispatched the 
Ultimate Spinmaster, Master Sassafras  (Photos 1 and 2, bearing a strong 
resemblance to a certain Jay Catsby) to battleground households in Baltimore, 
Schenectady, and East Granby, where Master Sassafras was able to deflect 
attention away (Photo 3, Catsby, er we mean, Sassafras, deflecting) from Lady's 
Executive Gaffe, by accusing the remaining National Head Pet candidate, Mutt 
Romney, of strapping his human to the top of a car on a family vacation, and 
distributing copies of a video showing Mutt Romney at a campaign cocktail party 
at the American Kennel Club,describing Cats to a group of pedigreed hounds as 
"self centered, fur brained, lazy pussies who do nothing all day but nap and 
depend on handouts from pet owners too stupid to own a dog".  Will Master 
Sassafras's spinning save the Election for Lady Emma? Be with us tomorrow, and 
if you are a Pet reading this, don't forget to vote! 
 
SPONSORED BY THE SPINMASTER, MASTER SASSAFRAS, SPINNING THE TRUTH TO FIT WHAT 
SHOULD BE THE FACTS 

CPR 11-4-2012 LADY EMMA FLIP FLOP ERODES DOMESTIC HEAD PET SUPPORT

Lady Emma, who has run for National Head Pet on a platform focused on the 
elimination of the nap deficit, drew criticism for her recent actions during 
Super Storm Sandy, when she ordered the rationing of naps until the emergency 
was over.  Pharoah the Cat, Spokesperson for SCORN (Snow bengals Opposed to 
Rationing Naps), issued this statement: "While we sympathize with the pets who 
have lost their naps on Staten Island, New Jersey, and certain couch-al areas 
along the northeast, Lady took the No Fewer, A Lot More-r Naps Pledge, so what 
kind of d*gsh*t move is this, rationing naps?" (See photo 1, Pharoah being a 
spokescat, struggling not to nap). Darnell, who initially  misunderstood Lady's 
rationing directive, and assumed she was ordering gas rationing, (after all, 
this was a cat known at one time at Union College as "Fartnell") and tried for 
over a week not to pass gas, was so exhausted and bloated by his efforts that he 
did not have to be coaxed by Pharoah in joining him for a protest nap. (Photo 
2).  Lady Emma, for her part, was stung by the criticism, and sought cover from 
the press under the covers. (Photo 3). How this will affect the balloting in the 
National Head Pet Election is anyone's guess, but Lady's campaign, which seemed 
unstoppable only a week ago, has run into turbulence as severe as that unleashed 
by Sandy, and no, we are not referring to the mighty wind released by Darnell 
after holding it in for a week, although that certainly hasn't helped anyone 
either. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE LAST DAYS OF THE CAMPAIGN. (DARNELL UNLEASHES THE KRAKEN!) 

CPR 11-1-2012 PETS RESCUE HALLOWEEN FROM HUMAN STUPIDITY

While the cats in the household were happy that the Martial Law deemed necessary 
to prevent scavenging and looting during Sandy was repealed, they were less 
happy that the 540 humans forgot to buy candy to distribute to the Trick and 
Treaters, necessitating the giveaway of cans of Fancy Feast to the few sad souls 
daring to brave the darkness of the 540 Driveway.  In order to prevent the 
giveaway of all of the household's Fancy Feast, and the depletion of the 
breakfast inventory, Darnell, Daisy, and Catsby donned costumes and pretended to 
be trick or treaters , so that they could collect the cans of Fancy Feast 
themselves.  Darnell dressed as a swashbuckling pirate (Photo 1), and Daisy as a 
witch (Photo 2), and Catsby forced himself to wear a hat (Photo 3), although his 
heart wasn't in it, as he wanted to dress as an Emperor,  but he forgot to 
arrange for his robes to be delivered from the dry cleaners, and given that the 
Humans couldn't rouse themselves to even buy candy, it was no surprise to him 
that they completely neglected buffing and shining his crown in time for the 
Halloween celebration.  But the cats, by repeatedly going in and out of the 
house, and ringing the doorbell, were able more or less to secure the entire 36 
can pack of Classic Chicken, Beef, and Turkey Feast for themselves, which made 
not only for a very Happy Halloween, but for a contented first week of November.  
 
SPONSORED BY CLASSIC FANCY FEAST IN 36 CAN PACKAGES.  WORTH DRESSING UP FOR. 

CPR 10-31-2012 LADY EMMA TIMES HALLOWEEN CELEBRATION TO COINCIDE WITH THE END OF MARTIAL LAW

 

 

By Executive Order, by the authority vested in Lady Emma as Acting- Interim- 
During the Hurricane Mainly But Not Exclusively and Maybe- Even- We -Should 
-Just -Drop- the- Interim- as She is Such a Shoo-In -To- Be -Elected -Permanent- 
National- Head- Pet -and Will- Remain- So- for- the Foreseeable- Future, So 
Help-Me- God, which is the title Lady currently goes by, or at least that was 
the title given her in the opinion issued by Justice Gracie Sotomeow and 
authored by Jay Catsby, Law Clerk ( who filled up a whole folio of foolscap and 
made quite a mess scrawling  Lady Emma's title with the claws of his paws) ,  by 
that authority, that is, Lady Emma lifted the curfew that followed upon her 
imposition of martial law, and allowed the Pets to go outdoors to frolic and 
celebrate Halloween.  However, by Executive Order 29, issued by her simply as 
the Household Head Pet, she made it clear that her costume had to be the 
prettiest, and the most perfect, and so it was.  (Photos 1, 2, and 3, Lady on 
the front porch, waiting for Trick and Treaters, in her pretty and perfect 
Princess costume).  The other pets also posed for photos in their costumes, but 
by Executive Order 30, only Lady's costume gets shown in this Report. 
 
SPONSORED BY EXECUTIVE ORDER NUMBER 29.  YOU'VE BEEN SERVED.