CPR 2-4-2013 NATIONAL HEAD PET LIASON RELEASES INAUGURAL BALL PHOTOS

Despite his promise to issue sanctions today against Darnell the Cat for his PED 
(Pussycat Enhanced Drugs) usage, no news regarding Darnell's punishment for the 
violations found by Independent Prosecator Jay Catsby emerged today from the 
Office of the  Commissioner of MLMH (Major League Mouse Hunting). "This inaction 
is in itself a form of sanction" claimed Commissioner Butt Smelling (Photo 1), 
"Or rather, more precisely put, this inaction is a form of nap, which I find I 
need in order to conduct the important business of the Office of Commissioner of 
MLMH, which includes postponing the issuance of sanctions for violators of our 
policies on PEDs.  But I  can tell you this: I am leaning, actually reclining 
(which I have to do to nap) towards declaring Darnell as eligible for the Tour 
de France, which I just think is funnier than declaring him ineligible."  When 
asked to comment on the Commissioner's inaction, Lady Emma's Spokescat, Daisy 
the Cat, released the attached photos of National Head Pet, First Lady dancing 
with her "good friend" Hedgie at her Inauguration Ball. (Photos 2 and 3) " One 
picture is worth a thousand furs" said Daisy the Cat, which left the National 
Head Pet Press Corp scratching their heads,before thanking Daisy for not saying  
the photos were worth a thousand turds, which even Lady Emma's political enemies 
agree would have been disrespectful to the office of National Head Pet, as well 
as to the Office of the Commissioner of MLMH, and disrespectful to the vast 
membership of the Cav-Hedgehog Greco Roman Wrestling Society. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE CAV-HEDGEHOG GRECO ROMAN WRESTLING SOCIETY.  AFTER WE WRESTLE, 

WE DANCE. AFTER WE DANCE, WE BEAT EACH OTHER WITH OLIVE BRANCHES.

CPR 2-2-2013  INVESTIGATION INTO DARNELL ROID USE RESULTS IN SWEEPING INDICTMENT

 

Independent Prosecutor Jay Catsby could look the other way no longer and today 
issued his Investigative Report, which included the following findings: 
 
1) Darnell received Feline Growth Hormone injections during holiday visits to 
Cabbage Hill, the most recent being this past New Year's.  While the humans were 
inside Aunt Debbie's eating delicious food, Darnell, who had secretly sneaked 
into the human van on the way down to Cabbage Hill, was being injected by Dr. 
Yow-Yow  in Ms. Gin's Cabbage Hill Anti-Caging Clinic. 
 
2) Besides FGH, Darnell was also injected by Dr. Yow-Yow (Photo 1)with CCE 
(Concentrated Catnip Extract), MLUS (Mountain Lion Urine Serum), and IPECAT 
Syrup,  for neutralizing the toxic by product of rat poison. 
 
3) Darnell the Cat attempted to mask the presence of these outlawed drugs by 
doping his blood  samples with Purina Friskies Turkey 
Dinner in Gravy Prime Filets. 
 
4) Specimens of Darnell's stool obtained by the ever vigilant and litter box 
snacking Lady Emma also contained the tiny wooden crutches of lame mice who were 
supposed to have received special exemption from being hunted by the rules of 
Major League Mouse Hunting,. 
 
Said Independent Prosecutor Jay Catsby in issuing his report: " I am shocked, 
absolutely shocked at this flagrant abuse of MLMH's rules regarding PEDs 
(Pussycat Enhanced Drugs) and even more am I shocked that I was able not to look 
the other way for the entire duration of my issuing this report, as even now, I 
feel compelled to look the other way at something that is always more 
interesting than whatever is in front of me."  (Photos 2 and 3).  " I have 
recommended to Commissioner Butt Smelling that Darnell have his Mouse Hunting 
Trophies taken away from him and that he be declared either eligible or 
ineligible to compete in the Tour De France, whatever the Commissioner thinks is 
 funnier" 
Tomorrow: Commissioner Butt Smelling, looking curiously like Pharoah the Cat, 
decides what is funnier. 
 
SPONSORED BY PURINA FRISKIES TURKEY DINNER IN GRAVY PRIME FILLETS, DELICIOUS FOR 
DINNER AND DELIGHTFUL FOR MASKING BLOOD AND STOOL SAMPLES



CPR 2-1-2013 INDEPENDENT PROSECUTOR PREPARES FOR PROSECUTION BY LOOKING OTHER WAY

CPR 2-1-2013 INDEPENDENT PROSECUTOR PREPARES FOR PROSECUTION BY LOOKING OTHER WAY

Jay Catsby, who yesterday was appointed to investigate and prosecute Darnell the 
Cat's use of Feline Growth Hormone(FGH) by the Commissioner of Major League 
Mouse Hunting (MLMH), Butt Smelling,  spent today preparing to prepare for 
Darnell's investigation and prosecution. Prosecutor Catsby's  preparations for 
the commencement of his investigation consisted mainly of practicing looking the 
other way (Photos 1, 2 and 3), since he pledged not to look the other way during 
his investigation, and as it is so tempting to look the other way, he really had 
to spend an entire day looking the other way to eliminate the temptation of 
looking the other way once his investigation begins in earnest, although he 
would prefer to begin it in Meriden.  "How can I begin this investigation in 
earnest?" he asked his staff, Libby the Cat, "When I don't have a working Google 
Maps app to route me to Earnest?  Where is Earnest, anyway?"  "Isn't it a peak 
of some kind" asked Libby "Mount Earnest?"  "I'm telling you, Libby, once the 
investigation starts, I can't even peak the other way.  This is why I am doing 
it now. Because once the investigation begins, it concludes.  End of case.  
Darnell used, we know it, he knows it, the MLMH titles, the paw wristlets, the 
front row seats at the ESPYs, it's all over. Ka-pawt." 
 
Tomorrow:  The CPR will publish the foregone conclusions of the  Independent 
Prosecutor and Commissioner Smelling will issue his Sanctions 
 
SPONSORED BY THE DARNELL THE CAT "LITTER STRONG FOUNDATION".  RAISING MONEY FOR 
FELINE AIDS, IN MEMORY OF Jinx-y Kittkua, DARNELL'S LOST AND IMAGINARY LOVE

CPR 1-31-2013 ROID REVELATIONS SHOCK MLMH

 

The Pet World was abuzz today following the revelations emerging about Darnell 
(photo 1, snarling at reporters), who had been seen and photographed scurrying 
out of a shadowy  "Cat Clinic" located  in an old nursery school located in 
Woodbridge Connecticut,  carrying vials of FGH (Feline Growth Hormone), 
apparently given to him by a shadowy "Cat Fancy-er" named Dr. Gin.  After the 
photograph appeared in the on line calistropetreport.blogspot.com/, the 
Commissioner of MLMH (Major League Mouse Hunting), Butt Smelling, (who bears an 
uncanny resemblance to Pharoah the Cat) (Photo 2) announced the appointment of 
an Independent Prosecutor, Jay Catsby, to investigate the allegations with total 
bias and to find Darnell guilty of having done all that the rumors suggest he 
has done, so that he may be stripped of his Mouse Hunting Championship Titles, 
suspended for 50 games, and made to surrender his hindquarters to the 
Commissioner for further sniffing.  For his part, Jay Catsby has pledged not to 
look the other way, and posed for several photos looking the other way, just to 
get it out of his system before he issued his foregone conclusions as to 
Darnell's guilt. (Photo 3) 
 
SPONSORED BY THE MOBILE MLMH APP, SEE EVERY MOUSE, IN EVERY CITY, EXCEPT FOR 
YOURS, AND ELSEWHERE, WHICH MAY BE SUBJECT TO TOTAL BLACKOUT, ALL OF THE LIMITED 
TIME ONLY FOR $38.00. CHEAP.



CPR 1-24-2013 LADY EMMA GETS SWORN IN AS NATIONAL HEAD PET

 

There have been no Pet Reports this week because of the extensive preparations 
that have been underway for the Inauguration of Lady Emma as NATIONAL HEAD PET.  
Lady has asked the Pet Press not to refer to her as NATIONAL HEAD PET, but 
instead refer to her as "THE FIRST LADY".  When it was pointed out that it is 
usually  the spouse of the Executive  that gets referred to as First Lady, and 
not the Executive, Lady characterized the reference as "archaic" and "an 
unfortunate linguistic remnant of the pawtriarchialism that for centuries has 
prevented female dogs from assuming positions of prominence and power." However,  
Lady was not so hung up on reversing traditional male-female dog dynamics when 
it came to accepting from her former well heeled adversary, Mutt Romney, mutti 
millionaire capitalist, an expensive, diamond encrusted collar to wear to the 
Inaugural. (Photo 1)  Lady Iin fact proudly wore the collar to the actual 
Inauguration Ceremony, where she placed her paw on a bible (Photo 2) and pledged 
to lick the problems (Photo 3) plaguing the Pet Nation.  
 
TOMORROW:  PHOTOS OF LADY AND HEDGIE TRIPPING THE LIGHT FANTASTIC AT THE GALA 
INAUGURAL HEAD PET BALL! 
SPONSORED BY PUPSI COLA, OFFICIAL SOFT DRINK OF GALA INAUGURAL HEAD PET BALL! 

CPR 1-18-2012 DARNELL SOLICITATION OF DONATIONS FOR ILL FELINE FRIEND PROVES TO BE HOAX

 

 

Bad enough that  Darnell had gotten Daisy the Cat to invest in a “Pawnzi” Scheme 
involving a Condo in Fair Haven, and that Daisy the Cat’s hair chewing salon 
fortune had been nearly wiped out.  Now it develops that Darnell has been party 
to another scam, a hoax involving a female feline friend whom Darnell claims he 
had a relationship with up at Union, and who allegedly died from Feline Aids.   
The story goes that in January of 2012, when Darnell matriculated at Union 
College with Dominic, he met a cute Schenectady kitty cat named Jinx-y Kittkua, 
inside the Mensa Rink, during the middle of a Union-RPI hockey game, where they 
both confused a skittering puck for a black rat and chased the same into a RPI 
net. Allegedly, the relationship blossomed from there, and even as Darnell was 
receiving accolades from the Eastern Cat Athletic Conference (ECAC) for his puck 
chasing abilities for the nationally ranked Union team, he was spending hours on 
the phone with Jinx-y, plotting their  post frat house condemnation future with 
her. Then, the story goes, Jinx-y came down with Feline Aids, and when Darnell 
had to return to Meriden, he solicited funds from the other 540 Paddock pets to 
pay for Jinx-y’s veterinary bills.  Then, supposedly, Jinx-y passed, and Darnell 
hit the pets up for money to pay for Jinxy’s body to be flown to Connecticut for 
cremation at the East Side Veterinary Clinic.  Well, the hoax unraveled this 
past Tuesday, when, in passing, as Dr. Park was draining Daisy the Cat’s bladder 
as he was treating her for stress, she asked Dr. Park about Jinx-y.  It turned 
out East Side Veterinary Clinic had never handled the cremation of any cat named 
Jinx-y, and in fact, there were no records on the National Cat Cremation 
Database of any cat named Jinx-y ever having been cremated anywhere. Daisy 
reported this mysterious absence of any records concerning Jinx-y to Jay Catsby 
and Lady Emma, who put their  heads together, napped ( Photo 1)  and then 
confronted Darnell, who at first maintained that there must have been a mistake, 
and that probably Jinx-y wasn’t listed on the National Cat Cremation Database 
due to a misplaced hyphen, cancer of the hyphen being the technical cause of 
death in many cases of Feline Aids. Lady Emma and Catsby considered and napped 
on this (Photo 2) and were dubious.(Photo 3).  Then Darnell claimed that  he was 
the victim here; that  he had been duped by an imaginary cat named Jinxy, and 
that this imaginary cat had plied him with imaginary sex at a time when he was 
not fixed, and he should be pitied more than censured, as he was now fixed, and 
didn’t even have an imaginary girlfriend anymore.    As Lady Emma and Catsby 
were forced to concede the point that Darnell was fixed, they remained unsure as 
to how this controversy should best be resolved, and decided that the best thing 
for all concerned was to resume napping until the media storm blew over. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE NATIONAL CAT CREMATION DATABASE,  storing information about 
burning cats for the protection of the Pet Public and Wondering Really if isn’t 
All Just One Sick Joke. 

CPR 1-16-2013 DAISY THE CAT GETS GOOD NEWS

What better way to begin the first CPR of the New Year than to report that rumors of Daisy the Cat's demise have been greatly exaggerated. Daisy went to see her vet on Tuesday morning due to some concerns regarding a regrettable incontinence. Blood and urine work was performed, and Daisy received a relatively clean bill of health-- no Feline Aids, no Diabetes, no serious illness. All the pets were greatly "relieved" that the incontinence was not indicative of a serious veterinary problem, but the differential diagnosis did cause some concern. Daisy's wee problem is apparently due to stress. It now becomes the obligation of the household to figure out the source of the stress and to try to alleviate it. Your reporter asked Daisy what the problem was, and she was strident in complaining that she had been duped by Darnell into investing a vast amount of her hair chewing salon fortune in a" Paw"nzi Scheme. The stress of losing her fortune, coupled with the stress of the Virginia and Dominic going back to school, led to an irritation of her bladder, and made her mightily "pissed off", resulting in the aforesaid regrettable incontinence. (See photos 1 and 2, Daisy clearly irritated and PO'd). To try to relieve Daisy's stress, the Vet has recommended antibiotics and an all expense paid vacation in St. Kitts. (Short for St. Kittens). Darnell has suggested an alternative, which is a time share in a condo in Fair Haven, which he is willing to subsidize with some money he has come into recently, or at least he is willing to pay for the first night of Daisy's condo stay, after which if she convinces four of her friends to pay for a night in the time share, and they convince four of their friends, Daisy will get a cut of each payment, after Darnell receives his share, which is quite large, and in no time at all, well, Daisy's fortune will be restored,. (Photo 3, Daisy wondering what's wrong with this plan). Wait. What. While it makes sense on paper, Daisy has concluded that this scheme of Darnell's doesn't sound very relaxing! So I guess it's off to St. KItts. We can only hope she'll be able to squeeze in some golf.

 SPONSORED BY THE FAIR HAVEN CONDO TIME SHARE ADVENTURE, S.A., ,Darnell the Cat, Principal, It's Motto: "We offer the Duped the Chance to Recoup"

CPR 11-8-2012 IT'S OFFICIAL! LADY EMMA WINS! CATSBY AND HEDGIE DO VICTORY JIG!

Catsby and Hedgie do a victory jig while Lady Emma beams!  (photos 1, 2, and 3) 
 
IT'S LADY IN A LANDSLIDE FOR NATIONAL HEAD PET! 
 
SPONSORED BY NATE SILVER, WHO SAYS, I PREDICTED THIS. 

CPR 11-6-2012 PETS VOTE IN NATIONAL HEAD PET ELECTION

It was an exciting National Head Pet night, and the 540 Paddock Pets were proud 
to exercise their franchise, although Darnell mistook Lady's exhortation to 
"stuff the ballot box" and instead stuffed the "litter box".  He got a "I voted 
today!" sticker anyway. (Photo 1) Jay Catsby was asked, after he voted, to 
participate in an exit poll, and was asked what he thought of outlawing the 
participation of Spinmasters in the Head Pet election process. (Photo 2).  
Meanwhile, at Lady Emma's Campaign Headquarters, optimism reigned, as early poll 
returns showed that she had voted for herself (Photo 3).  Despite Catsby's 
unwillingness to participate in an exit polls, interviews of other pets showed 
Master Sassafras's spinning had its effect, as 57% of the pets favoring more 
naps, and 42% of the pets favoring more more naps, said that the so called 
"rationing" of naps did not affect their support of either Lady Emma or more 
naps. 
 
So many excellent photos were taken of the pets wearing their "I voted Today" 
that the Pet Election Commission has decided to delay the release of the voting 
results until tomorrow night so that more of these photos may be attached. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE GRAND GLORIOUS PAGEANT OF THE PET ELECTORAL PROCESS, WHERE THE 
PETS MAKE UP THE RULES AS THEY GO ALONG. 

CPR 11-5-2012 EROSION IN POLLS SPURS MASTER SASSAFRAS TRUTH SPINNING

On the heels (okay, paws) of Pharoah the Cat's jumping off Lady Emma's bandwagon 
in protest over the Emergency Pet Rationing, Lady Emma's campaign was forced to 
do damage control on the eve of the National Head Pet Election. First, her 
SpokesCat, Daisy the Cat, stated that the Emergency Order allegedly rationing 
the naps was misunderstood; actually, the Order recommended that Pets hoard 
naps, and that it was only "rational" that pets in times of crisis take every 
available nap.  To explain away the misunderstanding, Lady dispatched the 
Ultimate Spinmaster, Master Sassafras  (Photos 1 and 2, bearing a strong 
resemblance to a certain Jay Catsby) to battleground households in Baltimore, 
Schenectady, and East Granby, where Master Sassafras was able to deflect 
attention away (Photo 3, Catsby, er we mean, Sassafras, deflecting) from Lady's 
Executive Gaffe, by accusing the remaining National Head Pet candidate, Mutt 
Romney, of strapping his human to the top of a car on a family vacation, and 
distributing copies of a video showing Mutt Romney at a campaign cocktail party 
at the American Kennel Club,describing Cats to a group of pedigreed hounds as 
"self centered, fur brained, lazy pussies who do nothing all day but nap and 
depend on handouts from pet owners too stupid to own a dog".  Will Master 
Sassafras's spinning save the Election for Lady Emma? Be with us tomorrow, and 
if you are a Pet reading this, don't forget to vote! 
 
SPONSORED BY THE SPINMASTER, MASTER SASSAFRAS, SPINNING THE TRUTH TO FIT WHAT 
SHOULD BE THE FACTS 

CPR 11-4-2012 LADY EMMA FLIP FLOP ERODES DOMESTIC HEAD PET SUPPORT

Lady Emma, who has run for National Head Pet on a platform focused on the 
elimination of the nap deficit, drew criticism for her recent actions during 
Super Storm Sandy, when she ordered the rationing of naps until the emergency 
was over.  Pharoah the Cat, Spokesperson for SCORN (Snow bengals Opposed to 
Rationing Naps), issued this statement: "While we sympathize with the pets who 
have lost their naps on Staten Island, New Jersey, and certain couch-al areas 
along the northeast, Lady took the No Fewer, A Lot More-r Naps Pledge, so what 
kind of d*gsh*t move is this, rationing naps?" (See photo 1, Pharoah being a 
spokescat, struggling not to nap). Darnell, who initially  misunderstood Lady's 
rationing directive, and assumed she was ordering gas rationing, (after all, 
this was a cat known at one time at Union College as "Fartnell") and tried for 
over a week not to pass gas, was so exhausted and bloated by his efforts that he 
did not have to be coaxed by Pharoah in joining him for a protest nap. (Photo 
2).  Lady Emma, for her part, was stung by the criticism, and sought cover from 
the press under the covers. (Photo 3). How this will affect the balloting in the 
National Head Pet Election is anyone's guess, but Lady's campaign, which seemed 
unstoppable only a week ago, has run into turbulence as severe as that unleashed 
by Sandy, and no, we are not referring to the mighty wind released by Darnell 
after holding it in for a week, although that certainly hasn't helped anyone 
either. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE LAST DAYS OF THE CAMPAIGN. (DARNELL UNLEASHES THE KRAKEN!) 

CPR 11-1-2012 PETS RESCUE HALLOWEEN FROM HUMAN STUPIDITY

While the cats in the household were happy that the Martial Law deemed necessary 
to prevent scavenging and looting during Sandy was repealed, they were less 
happy that the 540 humans forgot to buy candy to distribute to the Trick and 
Treaters, necessitating the giveaway of cans of Fancy Feast to the few sad souls 
daring to brave the darkness of the 540 Driveway.  In order to prevent the 
giveaway of all of the household's Fancy Feast, and the depletion of the 
breakfast inventory, Darnell, Daisy, and Catsby donned costumes and pretended to 
be trick or treaters , so that they could collect the cans of Fancy Feast 
themselves.  Darnell dressed as a swashbuckling pirate (Photo 1), and Daisy as a 
witch (Photo 2), and Catsby forced himself to wear a hat (Photo 3), although his 
heart wasn't in it, as he wanted to dress as an Emperor,  but he forgot to 
arrange for his robes to be delivered from the dry cleaners, and given that the 
Humans couldn't rouse themselves to even buy candy, it was no surprise to him 
that they completely neglected buffing and shining his crown in time for the 
Halloween celebration.  But the cats, by repeatedly going in and out of the 
house, and ringing the doorbell, were able more or less to secure the entire 36 
can pack of Classic Chicken, Beef, and Turkey Feast for themselves, which made 
not only for a very Happy Halloween, but for a contented first week of November.  
 
SPONSORED BY CLASSIC FANCY FEAST IN 36 CAN PACKAGES.  WORTH DRESSING UP FOR. 

CPR 10-31-2012 LADY EMMA TIMES HALLOWEEN CELEBRATION TO COINCIDE WITH THE END OF MARTIAL LAW

 

 

By Executive Order, by the authority vested in Lady Emma as Acting- Interim- 
During the Hurricane Mainly But Not Exclusively and Maybe- Even- We -Should 
-Just -Drop- the- Interim- as She is Such a Shoo-In -To- Be -Elected -Permanent- 
National- Head- Pet -and Will- Remain- So- for- the Foreseeable- Future, So 
Help-Me- God, which is the title Lady currently goes by, or at least that was 
the title given her in the opinion issued by Justice Gracie Sotomeow and 
authored by Jay Catsby, Law Clerk ( who filled up a whole folio of foolscap and 
made quite a mess scrawling  Lady Emma's title with the claws of his paws) ,  by 
that authority, that is, Lady Emma lifted the curfew that followed upon her 
imposition of martial law, and allowed the Pets to go outdoors to frolic and 
celebrate Halloween.  However, by Executive Order 29, issued by her simply as 
the Household Head Pet, she made it clear that her costume had to be the 
prettiest, and the most perfect, and so it was.  (Photos 1, 2, and 3, Lady on 
the front porch, waiting for Trick and Treaters, in her pretty and perfect 
Princess costume).  The other pets also posed for photos in their costumes, but 
by Executive Order 30, only Lady's costume gets shown in this Report. 
 
SPONSORED BY EXECUTIVE ORDER NUMBER 29.  YOU'VE BEEN SERVED. 

CPR 10-29-2012 MARTIAL LAW DECLARATION UPHELD

In Storm Sandy related news, Pharoah the Cat, required to stay inside all day 
because of the howling winds. and not happy about it (Photo 1, Pharoah, not 
happy about staying inside, stalking the family room in discontent) appealed 
Lady Emma's imposition of martial law to the Highest Court of Justice Gracie 
Sotomeow, who happened to be riding the circuit on the bed upstairs at the time 
of appeal.   Lady, armed with the brief prepared by Jay Catsby, Clerk to the 
Sotomeow Court, argued the brief so compellingly that she put both the Justice 
and Lady to fall asleep, only waking up briefly for the ceremonial photos before 
the issuance of the Jay Catsby, er rather, the Justice Sotomeow, opinion, 
upholding the imposition of Martial Law (Photos 2 and 3), and keeping Pharoah 
confined indoors, to his extreme displeasure. (Again, see Photo 1) 
 
SPONSORED BY SANDIE THE SHORTBREAD COOKIE, DECIDING TO CASH IN ON THE NOTORIETY 
OF SANDY THE STORM.  STOCK UP NOW WHILE YOU CAN. 

CPR 10-28-2012 LADY EMMA ABANDONS CAMPAIGNING FOR HURRICANE SANDY PREPARATIONS

Lady Emma abandoned her campaign for National Head Pet today in order to secure 
the homefront household.  First she made sure all the pets were inside and safe, 
and imposed martial law by ordering them all to be confined indoors until the 
hurricane's danger had passed.  Then she gathered all the flashlights in the 
house, installed batteries, and made sure they were operational. (Photo 1) After 
the flashlights were gathered, she instructed Libby (Photo2) and Darnell on 
their use. (Photo 3). 
Then she called Christo's Pizza, and ordered a dozen large sausage pizzas, 
because as Lady says, "you can never be too careful". 
 
SPONSORED BY CHRISTO'S PIZZA.  "IT'S NOT BURNT, IT'S A FLOOD WARNING!" 

CPR 10-25-2012 LADY EMMA SHARES  DEBATE SECRETS

Lady Emma's success in the National Head Pet debates has caused many to ask who 
has been her debate coach.  Most have assumed that all of the 540 Pets 
participated in Lady's preparation, and of course they all helped.  Daisy the 
Cat, based on her experience with ski cap modeling and her serving as a 
spokesperson for an International chain of hair chewing salons, coached Lady on 
poise (pronounced "paw-se");  Darnell, with his online and Union College 
education, briefed Lady on the issue of the Nap Deficit, and devised her Four 
Paw Plan for Nap Creation; Pharoah, hailing from Snow Bengalia, and Libby,  a 
refugee from the Pussies Republic of Weepy Eyelandia, helped shape Lady's 
fur-reign policy rhetoric; and of course Catsby packed the Debate Audience with 
minions from his Empire all carefully cued to disrupt Lady's opponents' comments 
with synchronized Haka chanting. But the key to Lady's success during the debate 
were the nightly wrestling matches she had with Hedgie, her trusted aide-de-camp 
and work out partner.  (Photos 1, 2, and 3).  "How do you think I have been able 
to maintain my captivating shape?"  Lady asked Diane Sawyer during Diane's visit 
to her campaign headquarters.  "A girl in this dog-eat-dog world has to take 
advantage of every edge she can get." Barkley Pellomello and Barkbark Obama 
certainly noticed the work Lady put into her debate prep! Linda McMahon, eat 
your heart out. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE WHWF (World Hedgie Wrestling Federation) (Parental Advisory: 
Some of these Photos of Hedgie and Lady wrestling are suitable for children) 

10-24-2012 CPR  RUMORS ABOUND WHEN HOUND ASTOUNDS BY WITHDRAWAL

Pet political insiders were astounded by yesterday's withdrawal by Barkbark Obama from the National Head Pet contest. What prompted the surprise announcement was the subject of rumors in the Pet Press. The Daily Mews speculated that Barkbark was lobbying for a position in Lady Emma's cabinet, but the New York Scratching Post suggested a romantic motive for his withdrawal. Apparently, after the last debate, Barkbark sent to Lady Emma, in lieu of roses, from his extensive Pet Art Collection, a portrait of Cattila the Himalayan (Photo 1), with this note : "Dearest Lady--Your reference to Catilla the Himalayan in our most recent debate was so erudite and historically accurate and culturally sensitive that I just had to extend to you the gift of this portrait, and withdraw from our race. Oh by the way, did you get those cheesy dog treats that I sent you? I had to purloin them from the caterers at my recent press conference, and you should have heard the complaints! My own mother! (Photo 2). Jees-- they're cheesy dog treats, Ma, they're not gold --we'll pick up some more the next time we go to the store." Needless to say, when news of this note leaked, the Pet gossip columnists tongues got wagging, although of course, the canine columnists tongues pretty much wag non-stop anyway. When asked for a comment, Lady Emma replied, rather coquettishly, through her press agent, Jay Catsby (Photo 3), "Barkbark and I are just friends." Hmm. Politics indeed makes strange bedfellows.

SPONSORED BY PET ART INSTITUTE OF SCHENECTADY NEW YORK, WORLD'S LARGEST REPOSITORY OF HIMALYAN CAT ART