Well, the bad news is that Libby the Cat's agent (Jay Catsby, of the CATSBY AND
PHAROAH TALENT AGENCY, --Their Motto: "Your Talent is our Treasure-- you sing
it or dance it, we'll sell it, or bury it") scuttled the profile, as he thought
it was not flattering enough to his client, in that it portrayed her
(accurately, in the CPR's opinion) as a cat who is always trying to pick a fight
with Pharoah. The Good News is that Jay Catsby the Legal Clerk to Justice
Sotomeow (not to be confused with Jay Catsby the Talent Agent) has encouraged
the Justice to sit for an interview as part of her PROFILE IN FURRAGE: THE
GRACIE SOTOMEOW STORY, which starts now:.
Justice Gracie Sotomeow, f/k/a Gracie the Cat, came to the household at 540
Paddock with her sister, Wilma, in 2008. One of our subscribers, Annie Szarka,
accompanied Virginia to a home in New Britain, where two kittens were being
kept, one of whom was a pretty attractive kitten, and one of whom was, frankly,
kind of homely. (The CPR is aware that this observation might generate some
controversy, but journalistic ethics compel the Report to strive for
objectivity, and sometimes the "Truth is Cruel", which reminds this reporter of
the motto of the Catsby and Pharoah Very Painful Dentistry Clinic-- "The Tooth
is Cruel").The keepers of the kittens in New Britain maintained that the kittens
had been born in Puerto Rico, although how they got to this country was never
actually explained, and tried to get Virginia to take the homely kitten, instead
of the pretty one. Virginia being Virginia, the household at 540 Paddock
received the gift of both of them. (Although they were technically not a gift,
since the keepers of the kittens apparently wanted to be reimbursed an amount
equivalent to air fare from Puerto Rico to New Britain). Virginia named the
kittens Wilma and Grace, after a favorite TV show of hers, Will and Grace. It
turned out that Wilma did indeed have a better personality than Gracie.
Actually, Wilma had a better personality than Gracie just by reason of having a
personality, as Gracie really had none. Wilma was regrettably not long for the
household at 540 Paddock Avenue. One afternoon Virginia came home from school
and discovered Wilma was gone, leaving behind no clues as to where she gone,
only the following note: "I don't care that she's my sister, I can't take
another minute living with that b***h Gracie". It wasn't until the American
Express Charge Account statement came in the mail that it was discovered that a
passage had been booked on a tramp steamer from Meriden to Puerto Rico. On the
one year anniversary of Wilma's departure, a postcard also came in the mail from
Puerto Rico, with a message addressed to Gracie: "Having a wonderful time, glad
you're not here". As it was written in Spanish, Gracie was spared the hurt of
having to read it, as Gracie is illiterate in at least three languages, two
living and one dead. (English,Spanish, and Latin). Despite the rejection by her
sister, Gracie tried hard to fit into the household at 540 Paddock.... aww, who
am I kidding? Gracie made no effort at all to fit in. She doesn't let anyone
pet her. There is only one documented instance of her even allowing someone to
hold her for more than ten seconds. (Photo 1). The CPR decided to ask Gracie
Sotomeow what gives with her aversion to being held and petted.
CPR: Gracie, what gives with your aversion to being held and petted?
Justice Gracie Sotomeow: First, you should address me as Justice Sotomeow. I
will answer no questions unless you show this court the proper respect.( see
Photo 3, Justice Sotomeow inclining her head so as to be accorded the proper
respect)
CPR: Justice Sotomeow, what gives with your aversion to being held and petted?
JGS: You need to kneel when you address me.
CPR: I do not.
JGS: You do too,.
CPR (Kneelilng): Fine. Now answer the question.
JGS: Second, let me make it perfectly clear that it is I, Justice Sotomeow, not
I, Jay Catsby, her brilliant legal clerk, who is answering these questions.
Ignore that cat behind the blinds. (Photo 2). I am the Great and Powerful
Justice Sotomeow.
CPR: (Getting off its knees) Wait! What's going on here? Why is Catsby moving
his lips while you're supposed to be talking?
JGS: I am talking! It is me moving my lips, see, , not the Brilliant and
Handsome Catsby. Get away from those blinds! No..noo.....n oooo!
At this point in the interview, Justice Sotomeow bolted from the family room and
away from your interviewer, leaving the one question asked unanswered.
Tomorrow's report will hopefully contain the second portion of our exclusive
interview, if the Great and Powerful Justice Sotomeow can fit it into her busy
schedule, or if her clerk can fit it into his, I mean, hers.
Sponsored by the Catsby and Pharoah Talent Agency (Motto: "We earn our fifteen
'purr-cent!")
