CPR 9-21-2012 LADY EMMA RESCUES ERRANT BICYCLIST

While some might question whether or not  brilliant PR (Pet Relations) 
mastermind DTC (Daisy the Cat) staged the incident,  a side of Lady Emma was 
revealed earlier this evening that can only help her Head Pet Administration 
poll numbers.  Sometime around 7 PM, a somewhat balance defying woman was seen 
in the back driveway at 540 Paddock Avenue, attempting recklessly what was for 
her the apparently difficult feat of  trying to move forward on a bicycle.  The 
woman fell off the bicycle, and Lady charged out into the driveway, ignoring the 
obvious peril of the woman's flailing limbs, and heaving bosom, offering 
compassionate reassurance and assistance, not unlike a St. Bernard, and posing 
heroically for the Pet Press photographers, including your reporter. (See Photos 
1, 2, and 3).  Assistance in the form of a helping hand up soon arrived for the 
woman, who survived the incident unharmed, and soon was able to go on her merry 
and grass stained way, after receiving a few tips from Lady Emma upon how the 
pedals on the bicycle were supposed to operate. ("You gotta f**king push the 
pedal with your f**king feet!", Lady helpfully if not profanely advised the 
woman, not being able to suppress under the excitable circumstances her Canine 
Tourette's )  A Press Release soon followed from DTC, pointing out that, unlike 
certain felines (we're talking about you, Catsby) with illusions of grandeur and 
delusions of empire, Lady Emma views government as there to help, not rule. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE COMPASSIONATE AND CARING HEAD PET ADMINISTRATION OF LADY EMMA, 
HEROINE,  WHOSE MOTTO IS "WE DON'T CARE HOW CLUMSY YOU MAY BE, IF YOU FALL OFF 
YOUR BIKE, WE WILL BE THERE TO HELP AND POSE FOR PICTURES" 

CPR 9-20-2012 HEAD PET STATEMENT RILE GOATS, PIGS, COWS

Daisy the Cat (DTC), Lady Emma's SpokesCat,  spent a busy day today responding 
to criticism from the Pet Press, which condemned Lady Emma's candid comments of 
yesterday: "They're goats, they're pigs, they're cows, who gives a flying f**k".  
The Pet Press seized upon the comment as evidence that Lady Emma was insensitive 
to the needs of those goats, pigs, and cows who are kept as pets, the so-called 
"47%" of the Pet Electorate.  DTC says that Lady Emma's comment was 
misinterpreted, that Lady Emma is a friend of all pets, and that as proof of 
Lady Emma's  compassion,  and commitment to pet diversity, she has appointed an 
incredibly cute and photogenic baby alpaca       to her Head Pet kitchen 
cabinet. (Photos 1, 2  and 3).  This appointment apparently had its desired 
effect, as immediately following DTC's announcement, the Pet Press  spent the 
rest of the press conference oohing and ahhing over how cute the Alpaca was, and 
fighting over who would extend the first dinner invitation to little "Allie" (as 
the Pet Press nicknamed her), silencing for the moment any and all criticism of 
Lady Emma's comments made the day earlier.  As Lady Emma herself asked the Pet 
Press (despite DTC's attempt to limit her participation in the give and take of 
the press conference, given her unresolved Canine Tourette's) "How f**king cute 
is that f**king Alpaca" 

SPONSORED BY LI'L ALLIE, A RISING STAR IN LADY EMMA'S KITCHEN CABINET 

CPR 9-19-2012 THE EMPEROR ISSUES A CALL TO THE PET KINGDOM

On the advice of his Chancellor of the Exchequer, Darnell, whose freshly minted 
online Economics degree lends weight to his advice, Jay Catsby has issued a call 
to animals not traditionally thought of as pets to join his empire.  The message 
was received with relative indifference at the Big E, with only the sheep, being 
rather unthinking followers, expressing any limited enthusiasm for joining 
forces with the Emperor.  (Photo 1, sheep expressing limited enthusiasm, and 
Photo 2, sheep expressing even more limited enthusiasm).  On the other hand, or 
paw, or hoof, the pigs, including the young 'uns,  at the fair expressed genuine 
hostility towards Catsby's advances, which Catsby attributed to their 
identification with the corpulent Head Pet at 540 Paddock, Lady Emma, whose 
porcine grunts upon exertion, Catsby claims, resonate with the pigs. (Photo 3) 
Lady Emma, who claims jurisdiction over all pets north of the Hancock Parallel, 
which the Big E decidedly is, for her part could care less whether a bunch of 
sheep or pigs or calves pay her tribute.  Says Lady Emma:  "They're sheep. 
They're pigs. They're cows Who gives a flying f**k."  (Readers who may be 
shocked at Lady's language may not realize that Lady had a bad case of Canine 
Tourette's this summer that apparently she has not completely recovered from. 
More on her struggle to recover from this debilitating neurological disorder 
will be the subject of a future PROFILE IN FUR-RAGE" 
 
SPONSORED BY A BUNCH OF SHEEP AT THE BIG E.  Baaaaaaaaaa- humbug. 

R 9-19-2012 THE EMPEROR ISSUES A CALL TO THE PET KINGDOM

CPR 9-18-2012  THE BACKSIDE OF CATSBY'S EMPIRE

Darnell, by reason of the acquisition this summer of his prestigious online economics degree, has been employed by the Emperor Jay Catsby to figure out how to finance the expansion of his Empire. As to the matter of sponsorships, some trouble has already been encountered. While the Emperor likes the boxes of putative sponsor WBMason, he doesn't like the slogan, "Who But WB Mason". As Catsby points out, if anyone's "but" should be featured prominently in advertising, it should be his own. Darnell countered that the bigger the but, the bigger the buck, and hence proposed that a corporate sponsorship be centered around the backside of a Budweiser Clydesdale (Photo 1), as it evokes a grandeur of the gluteus maximus fit to rule the pet world. To make his point, Darnell showed Photo 1 to a mouse who was trotting up the stairs at 540 Paddock-- and said mouse immediately swooned. (Photo 2) Indeed, the degree of swoon was such that the mouse could not be revived, necessitating the ethical flushing of his remains down a household toilet. We have spared our readership that photo. Catsby was intrigued by the prospects of a partnership between himself as Emperor and the King of Beers, and decided to run it by the humans in the house, who gave the concept an unequivocal seal(s) of approval. (Photo 3) SPONSORED BY A SADDER BUT BUTT WISER.

 CPR 9-13-2012 LETTER FROM CAPTAIN DARNELL DARNELLERS TO PROFESSOR VILLARS OF LOYOLA

DEAR PROFESSOR: 
 
Villars? What kind of name is that?  You wouldn't be one of them Frenchies, 
would you?  Professor Froggy! 
 
Well, Professor, shiver my litters, I hear you have one pretty kitty there.  
What say you send her up here on the Bolt Bus!  Let Ambassador Piggy Pussy 
Squishy Face wait on his scratching seat for her packet boat to cross the Pond!  
Har har-- let him waddle down to the pond like some kind of duck and fall in 
like the Monsieur Slippery Charlemagne he thinks he is!  Here's a few photos of 
what your princess is missing, cat napping down there in Baltimore!  Let her 
spend some time with a real cat, not some fancy pants pushed in puss face! 
Yours-- Captain Darnell   Arghh! 
 
SPONSORED BY BOLT BUS.  CATS RIDE CHEAP!  HELPS US DEAL WITH THE MICE IN THE 
LAV!