CPR 9-10-12  LETTER FROM AMBASSADOR JAY CATSBY TO PROFESSOR VILLARS, OF LOYOLA UNIVERSITY

 

 

CAN any thing, my good Sir, be more painful to a friendly mind, than a necessity 
of communicating disagreeable intelligence? Indeed it is sometimes difficult to 
determine, whether the relator or the receiver of evil tidings is most to be 
pitied. Yet, though a discord of considerable dimension may indeed be the 
consequence of these revelations to follow, I cannot concede the evilness of the 
tidings, for they spring not from any barrow of noxious feline discharge, but 
from the wellspring of joy and delight which sprays only intentions of the 
highest motive, commensurate with the the privilege of comprehending your ward, 
Evelina the Scottish Foal, whose slightest favor would shred the very couch of 
this cat's  soul. Though I have no claim to the paw of your ward greater than 
the zeal to which I must put forth my acquaintance. let me note, not by way of 
boast, but by means of necessity, that only in a foal so fair could there be 
achieved a correspondence between  ambition and governance, because who could 
rule the world without one worthy of ruling the heart? I am well circumstanced 
as Ambassador to the Empire of the Known Pet World, which includes the environs 
of Baltimore, south of the Hancock Parallel, but my Commission, proud though it 
may be --and oh yeah, did I mention I was also the Emperor ---is of no greater 
rank to me than that of a litter sweep, if my realm cannot include the occasion 
of a saucer of cream in the company of one so fair as your ward. Though it is 
with regret that I must inform my former betrothed, Poor Elsie, that our 
proposed nuptial joining has been miscomprehended, that intelligence, though 
certain to promote some discord  among those who chose to be advantaged by the 
occasion, (especially the milliners, who are as much to blame for Elsie's girth 
as Elsie herself, by whose measure was predicated the plus sized wedding gown), 
should by reason be a source of happiness to those who might bear the Empress's 
carriage, the litter bearers of my realm, who might match Poor Elsie's 
disappointment with relief equivalent to  the weight that has literally been 
lifted from their shoulders.  And is not Poor Elsie but Richer Elsie for having 
known my Imperial Aspect?  And will not Evelina,divine and considerably less 
heavy creature that she is, be a lot easier for my litter bearers to carry, and 
me to countenance, plying my troth?  I await your swift response, my Professor 
Villars, and will not be easily de-turd by any expression of reluctance on the 
part of she whom destiny has chosen to anoint as my bride with mouse merengue 
from what will be the Grandest Cake, Ever. 



CPR SEPTEMBER 10, 2012 ELSIE'S MAID OF HONOR

Elsie sent the Emperor Catsby a photo of her Maid of Honor, Evelina, modeling
her Maid of Honor's dress. (Photo 1)

Catsby, who previously was contented with his choice of Elsie, has been smitten.
(Photo 2)

Causing Darnell to chant"  You've lost your smittens, you silly kitten, now you
shall have no pie."

(Of course, it was never Catsby's intention to serve pie at his nuptials -- he
always envisioned the Grandest Cake, molded from cream and frozen mouse
merengue.)  Will Catsby go through with the wedding now that his heart belongs
to Evelina?  Stay tuned.

SPONSORED BY CATCH AS CAT CAN CONFECTIONERS, THE WORLD'S FOREMOST PURVEYOR OF
MOUSE MERENGUE.

CPR SEPTEMBER 8TH, 2012 HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION- JAY CATSBY

CPR readers will recall, before the Great Chinese Cat Stowaway problem stole the 
headlines, that the CPR was detailing how the various pets spent their summer 
holidays.  Pharoah the Cat, the first pet so featured, spent his summer taking 
bare back riding lessons on the leather arm chair in the family room, and then 
luxuriating at the High Shelves Club.  Jay Catsby spent his summer at Ambassador 
School, following his appointment by still President Obama, learning how to deal 
with problems such whether or not to grant asylum to Chinese Stowaway Cats, and 
developing a taste for dim sum.  During most of the summer, Catsby largely (due 
to his excessive consumption of dim sum) put off preparing for his nuptials with 
his hand picked bride,  Elsie, the Scottish Fold from the Carroll County Cat 
Show. However, towards the end of the summer, Catsby finally found a moment to 
relax (Photo1) and gave a shout out  (Photo 2) to Elsie.  Well, at the beginning 
of the summer, there turned out to be a small problem with Elsie's wedding 
dress, which the milliners had apparently made several sizes too large for 
Elsie's petite frame.  This forced Elsie to eat rather extensively  for the 
balance of the summer, in order to fit into her dress, with predictable results. 
(Photo 3).  When Catsby saw how Elsie had reconfigured herself, he momentarily 
thought of suspending the nuptials, but then decided that since the dress had 
already been paid for by his Ambassador's Slush Fund, there was no sense 
abandoning his investment, and besides, he likes a kitty with a little bit of 
meat on her bones.  So the wedding is still on! CPR readers should watch for 
their invites in their e-mails! 
 
SPONSORED BY THE NEARSIGHTED ELDERLY SEAMSTRESSES OF CARROLL COUNTY MARYLAND WHO 
CANNOT MEND STRAIGHT.