Thursday, November 8, 2012
CPR 10-23-2012 BARKBARK CONCEDES NATIONAL HEAD PET ELECTION
Two weeks before the actual Election, Barkbark Obama (Photo 1) conceded the
contest for National Head Pet in a sparsely attended news conference, attended
by Barkbark's mother (Photo 2) and some old mongrel (Photo 3) who was there
because he heard there would be free cheesy dog treats after the news
conference. Surrounded by one or two other tearful followers, many of whom had
received the news that in fact there would be no cheesy dog treats following the
conference, Barkbark made the following statement:
Barkbark: My friends, I am proud of the campaign we have run, but the time has
come to respect the will of the Pet World and concede that this dog just won't
hunt. (Cries of "No No!' and " Where's the cheesy dog treats! We were promised
cheesy dog treats! ring out from the tearful followers, barkbark's mom, and the
mongrel who is only there for the cheesy dog treata). We had hoped that our plan
to switch to alternative "green" invisible fencing would appeal to pets seeking
to enjoy more play time outdoors, but we didn't get much of a chance during the
debates to outline our program; in fact we actually didn't even get any chance
during the debates to speak. (Cries of "Barkley was in the bag for Lady!" and
"Who thought it was a good idea to have a fat crow moderate a town hall
meeting!" and "Where's the cheesy snacks!" are shouted out by tearful followers,
etcetera) But no, my furry friends, let's face it, it wouldn't have made a
difference. Heck, even I am going to vote for Lady Emma. She is a dog of
destiny!"
Following these concessionary remarks, the crowd bolted from the hall, in
search of real concessions, in the form of tasty cheesy dog treats.
SPONSORED OF COURSE BY CHEESY DOG TREATS, MADE THE WAY YOUR GRANDMA MADE THEM,
IF YOUR GRANDMA WAS SOME KIND OF CANINE CONCESSIONAIRE, BUT I'M NOT SAYING SHE
IS, I'M JUST SAYING
10-22-2012 NATIONAL HEAD PET DEBATE FOCUSES ON FUR-REIGN POLICY
Hello, I am Bobcat Schief-fur. (Photo 1) I wrote the questions for this
Fur-reign Policy debate between the National Head Pet Candidates, and I worked
really really hard on them. So please hold your applause until after I have
asked the candidates my questions, and then please applaud for my questions, and
not for the candidates. Are we clear about that, audience?
(540 Pets making up audience for debate applaud wildly).
The First Question is directed to Mutt Romney, but as per the rules agreed upon
by Lady Emma's campaign, she will get to answer the question first. Mutt, what
do you see as the biggest fur-reign policy challenge for the next four years?
Lady, you get to answer this question first.
540 Pets making up audience for debate applaud wildly, pretending to be
applauding the question, but really applauding Lady Emma.(Photo 2)
Lady Emma: The nap deficit is our biggest challenge, because when pets are
tired, they do wild and reckless things
, like invade countries, such as when the leader of Snow Bengalia, Catilla the
Himalayan, missed his afternoon nap, and got so cranky he ordered his troops to
invade Weepy Eyelandia. We need strong nap leadership, and I am the only proven
Nap Creator, and I promise the Pet World that if I am elected Head Pet I will
never miss a nap and invade a country because I am cranky. (Photo 3, Lady Emma
showing strong nap leadership, sleeping with her eyes open)
540 Pets Pets making up audience for debate applaud wildly, causing the
moderator to shout for order.
Bobcat Schief-fur: Hey! What did I say about only applauding when I ask a
question?
540 Pets making up audience applaud wildly because Bobcat asked a question when
he asked "Hey What did I Say about only applauding
when I ask a question?
SPONSORED BY APOLOGISTS FOR CATILLA THE HIMALAYAN
CPR 10-18-2012 THE GREAT FACT CHECKER CHECKS THE FACTS AT THE NATIONAL HEAD PET TOWN HALL DEBATE
The Emperor Jay Catsby has added to his titles the sobriquet "The Great Head Pet
Debate Fact Checker", which he is planning to emblazon on a tee shirt, if he can
find one large enough to accomodate both this title and his girth. Speaking of
girth, there was an embarassing moment after the Town Hall Debate, when Catsby
was asked to check the facts, and misheard, and instead began inspecting the
fat, specifically Candy Crow-ly's, which led to a great caw-ing in protest, as
however innocent, the fact, or fat, remains that birds do not enjoy having cat
claws poked into them, even if for purposes of legitimate scientific
measurement. Once Catsby's assignment was straightened out, he examined with
critical eye (Photos 1, 2 and 3, Catsby examining with critical eye(s)) the
claim that Lady Emma was a Nap Creator. Having snuggled up with Lady Emma as
recently as during the Town Hall Debate itself, in fact during his questioning
of her as an undecided independent Pet Voter, Catsby is pleased to pronounce
that Lady Emma's claim of being is Nap Creator is not only essentially accurate,
it is ASTONISHINGLY FANTASTICALLY AMAZINGLY ACCURATE!!!! Catsby also pronounced
Candy Crow-ly to be a bit hefty for a Crow, and issued a warning to the other
Pets that if they knew what was good for them they should stay out of the way of
the moderator at the Post Debate Buffet if they didn't want to get trampled
while reaching for an hor d'oeuvre.
SPONSORED BY THE GREAT FACT CHECKER HIMSELF, JAY CATSBY
CPR 10-17-2012 NATIONAL HEAD PET DEBATE RESUMES WITH BIRD MODERATOR
Hello, my name is Candy Crow-ly (Photo 1) and I am the moderator for tonight's Town Hall Style Debate between Barkbark Obama, Mutt Romney, and Lady Emma, which is being held on the campus of the Tails-U-Win Pet Obedience School in Manchester, CT. The Leash of Feline Voters has commissioned an independent polling company, Jay Catsby and Pharoah the Cat Independent Polling & Stick Retrieval, Inc. (Their motto: "If we have to ask, don't even bother answering"), to find undecided voters to ask questions of the candidates. The first independent voter is named Jay Catsby (Photo 2, and he has a question for Lady on what has been determined to be the most important social issue of the campaign. Mr. Catsby? Jay Catsby (reading from a notecard, in a manner copying the manner of humans participating in similar town hall debates, as though he is being forced to read a hostage note): Lady Emma, you have described yourself as a nap creator. What would you do to ensure more Pets are fully employed by naps? Lady Emma: Yes, I am proud to say I am a Nap Creator. Over the past four years, I have created over 50,000 new naps a month for the six cats for whom I am proud to say I serve as Head Pet. In my household at 540 Paddock Avenue, I have created an environment in which naps are encouraged, and we have done this by educating pets, as there is a causal relationship between education and sleeping, especially if you are a cat who has to get up early for a class after being outside all night chasing after mice. In my household, naps are taken in boxes, in bags, in baskets, on clean laundry, on dirty laundry, on couches, on seats, on rugs, on ping pong tables, behind televisions, in front of televisions, on counters, below counters, in sinks, in showers, and sometimes on beds, but only when the humans are trying to make them. My opponents are Nap Killers-- they don't know how to create naps, because as breeds they are Working Dogs, bred for herding sheep and the like, and Working is antithetical to Napping. They don't know how to create Naps, their proposals would crush the Middle Class of Pets, and you can't nap when you are being crushed. I know, because I am a nap creator, and I often nap in my crate, where no stupid human can roll over onto me and crush me. Candy Crow-ly: You have two seconds to respond, Mutt Romney. Mutt Romney: Yes, as a German Shepard, I am a working Dog, and my parents were Working dogs, sheep herders, and let me tell you, herding sheep is hard work, and it makes you tired, and when you're tired, you nap, so I know how to create a Nap, and .... Candy Crow-ly: (interrupting) One nap? Lady Emma, care to respond? Mutt says he knows how to create a single nap. Lady Emma: For himself, sure. And his privileged kind. He can lie down in his sheep meadow, with the other 1% of the pets who control 99% of the sheep meadows, and take a nice long nap, but what about the Household Pets who don't have sheep meadows to lie down in? What can he do to ensure that those pets find naps? I can find naps for those Pets, I am the only candidate with a Four Paw Pan for creating naps. Candy Crow-ly: Thank you Lady Emma. Be with us tomorrow night, when Lady Emma will be given the opportunity to expatiate upon her Four Paw plan, and another independent voter, Darnell the Cat (Photo 3), will get to direct a question to the candidates that will once again demonstrate why Lady Emma is the only true choice for National Head Pet. Goodnight, and, Caw, Caw. SPONSORED BY CNN (THE CAW NEWS NETWORK, EMPLOYER OF CANDY CROW-LY)
CPR 10-16-2012 FACT CHECKING THE END OF THE FIRST QUARTER OF THE FIRST NATIONAL HEAD PET DEBATE
Jay Catsby, who didn't get to ask his question of the candidates last night, because time ran out in the First Quarter, was mollified by the Leash of Feline Voters when it appointed him Official Fact Checker for the End of the First Quarter of the Debate. (See Photos 1 and 2, Catsby checking the facts, and Photo 3, Catsby washing his paw after checking the facts). In checking the Facts, Jay Catsby determined that it was an Indisputable Fact that his case, Jay Catsby the Corporation vs. Jay Catsby the Cat, was the seminal case regarding Pet Conflicts of Interest, and further that it was an Indisputable Fact that the Clock had run out on the First Quarter of the Debate, because neither Barkbark nor Mutt had any timeouts to stop the clock, in that they had wasted and lost their time outs by challenging the moderator and by challenging Lady Emma., ineffectively and irritatingly. Lastly, Jay Catsby fact checked that Mutt Romney was not made out of stone, and that he should have agreed with the Moderator Barkley Pellomello that Lady Emma had the most adorable dogface. The consequences of Mutt's failure to endorse with enthusiasm the adorableness of Lady's dogface has led Catsby to recommend to the Leash of Feline Voters that economic sanctions be imposed on Mutt's candidacy, including a limitation on imports, a tariff on exports, and a blockade of selective polling places. SPONSORED BY JAY CATSBY THE CAT. YES, I'M JAY CATSBY, AND I CHECKED THE FACTS IN THIS MESSAGE.
CPR 10-15-2012 NATIONAL HEAD PET DEBATE RESUMES
CPR 10-11-2012 NATIONAL VICE HEAD PET DEBATE DRAWS POOR RATINGS
The National Vice Head Pet Debate between Paw Ryan and Joe Bite'm took place tonight at the MERIDEN HUMANE SOCIETY FENCED IN YARD, but really, no one was watching. Your Reporter was watching the Yankees-Orioles, and all the Pets were at Lady Emma's Mid Head Pet Debate Party, which was a Pajama Party, held in the upstairs bedroom (Photos 1, 2 and 3) At Lady's Pajama Party, everybody was singing, and dancing to the music, and Cokes were in the ice box, and DJ Darnell kept the records spinning, all of which was way more interesting than Paw and Bite'm growling at each other for hours, and for that matter, watching hitters strike out for 14 innings of Yankee-Orioles game. However, Lady Emma did issue a statement, which is that she didn't believe in vice, only in virtue, and hence her Pajama Party would not field a vice Head Pet Candidate. So without Lady's endorsement, the Media boycotted the debate, and the only thing that is known about the encounter between the Vice Head Pet Candidates is that Paw, a Yorkshire Terrier, and Bite'm, a Boston Terrier, apparently spent the evening wrestling over a chew toy, and the whole thing, while spirited, only seemed to confirm the fact that the Office of the Vice Head Pet was not worth much more than a pitcher of warm drool. So the practical political fallout from the debate was to provide a bounce in the polls (as well as on the upstairs bed) for Lady Emma, who had gone on record even before the debate against drooling on the upstairs bedspread. SPONSORED BY THE PHAROAH THE CAT AND JAY CATSBY VIRTUOUS AND VISCOUS CHEW TOY COMPANY-- "THE TOY TO CHEW WHEN YOU'VE HAD MORE THAN A FEW"
CPR 10-9-2012 SECOND NIGHT OF DEBATE NECESSITATES FACT CHECKING
The second night of the debate was not without its controversy. The campaigns
of Barkbark Obama and Mutt Romney complained that the Moderator was showing bias
and that the Fact Checking done by your reporter was similarly slanted towards
the positions of Lady Emma. Accordingly, the Pet Press has appointed a totally
impartial panel to fact check the second night of the debate. (Photo 1) The
panel consists of Libby the Cat, Daisy the Cat, Jay Catsby, Gracie the Cat, and
Lady Emma. (The inclusion of Lady Emma was done at the insistence of the rest of
the panel, and was thought necessary because the rest of the pets on the panel
had to sit in the audience at the North Shore Animal Shelter Auditorium, where
the acoustics are not as good as they are on the stage of the Auditorium, where
Lady Emma is situated, and hence is in the best position to hear the facts that
need checking. The first challenged factual assertion was the claim of Lady
Emma that her opponents were serial hydrant piddlers whose piddling by
implication would subvert the dem-o-catic process. The Pet Fact Checking Panel
assessed this claim by having Lady sniff the fire hydrant outside the North
Shore Shelter Auditorium, and Lady reported that in fact the hydrant had been
piddled on, serially, by Barkbark and Mutt. So the panel concluded that this
claim was "totally accurate", but were nevertheless inclined to let Barkbark
Obama and Mutt Romney off with a verbal warning, and no fine, except that Lady
Emma claimed that during her gracious answer identifying her opponents as serial
hydrant offenders, Barkbark and Mutt were seen "fuming", and that there is
nothing more hazardous to public pet health than piddle fumes, which is of
course why cats use sanitized deodorized litter boxes. Further, Lady Emma
noted, the Mutt and Barkbark campaigns contested her promise to appoint outside
the box thinkers to her Head Pet Administration, by claiming that Lady Emma had
no intention of appointing Bonnie the Cat to her administration. However, the
Pet Fact Checking Panel determined that the fair preponderance of the
photographic evidence in fact established that Bonnie the Cat never did leave
her box (Photos 2 and 3), so whether or not Lady would fulfill her promise to
appoint Bonnie to her cabinet was moot and how dare Barkbark and Mutt make a
campaign issue out of poor Bonnie's social problems and her out of the box
agoraphobia. (Of course, it would be angoraphobia if she were a different breed
of cat, such as a sheep, but that the Pet Fact Checking Panel felt was equally
offensive to Bonnie--she's no sheep!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)