OCTOBER 8, 2012 NATIONAL HEAD PET DEBATE CONTINUES

Hello, my name is Barkley Pellomello, of National Puplick Radio, and welcome to 
the second night of our National Head Pet debate.    Tt's format will feature 
questions from independent pet voters from all over the country.  The first 
question is from a cat named Bonnie (Photo 1) who lives in a place known as 
Cabbage Hill, Connecticut. Bonnie, what's your question? 
Bonnie the Cat: I have a two part question. The first part of the question is 
directed to  BarkBark Obama and Mutt Romney, and the question is why? Why are 
they are bothering running against Lady, who is clearly a superior candidate by 
reason of her record of friendship with cats? And the second part of my question 
is why? (Photo 2) Why am I in this box? 
Barkley Pellomello:  That is an excellent question, Bonnie, and even though it 
is directed to Barkbark and Mutt, as moderator, I have decided  to let Lady Emma 
have the first shot at answering it, because I like her better than the other 
two candidates, because she's prettier than they are, and smarter. Go ahead 
Lady. 
Lady (smiling at Barkley--Photo 3-- while Mutt and Barkbark fume):  Thank you 
for your question, Bonnie. Barkbark and Mutt are running because I believe in 
the demo-cat-ic process, and I believe cats, as well  as dogs,  should not only 
be given the opportunity to vote for me, a proven friend of felines, but also be 
given the chance to reject, repudiate, and ridicule the candidacies of my 
opponents, who have proven themselves to be nothing more than enemies of the pet 
middle class as well as serial fire hydrant piddlers. 
(540 Paddock Pets cheer wildly;  Barkley Pellomello starts and moderates a 
chorus of "For she's a jolly good fellow") 
Lady: As for the second part of your question, you are in the box, Bonnie, 
because when you get out of the box, you are thinking outside the box.  There 
will always be a place promised for you in my administration as a thinker 
outside the box, but of course to actually join my administration you will have 
to leave your box, and as far as the photographic evidence goes, it appears that 
you never leave your box, so it's not like it's one of those promises that are 
going to haunt me after I am elected, is it?" 
Barkley Pellomello (nodding his head in assent):  Lady Emma, once again, as 
moderator, I am just so darn impressed by the beauty of your reasoning (to say 
nothing of the beauty of your face) that there is just no point in allowing 
either Barkbark or Mutt the opportunity to respond to Bonnie's question, even 
though it may have originally been directed to them. So we conclude tonight's 
session once again declaring Lady Emma the winner of the debate.  Good night 
from the North Shore Animal Shelter Auditorium, and be with us tomorrow, when 
Lady once again will demonstrate her fetching manner and winning and winsome 
ways! 
 
SPONSORED BY BONNIE IN THE BOX, FAST FOOD CAT FOOD.  

CPR 10-7-2012 ----FACT CHECKING THE FIRST DEBATE

Due to the length of the debate held at the North Shore Animal Shelter 
Auditorium, it has not been possible to publish a transcript of the debate in 
one Report.  Nor has it been possible, due to the need of the Pet Participants 
to nap, for the debate to be held on one day.  Instead, the Debate has been 
partitioned into ten minute sound clips (the Dogs involved prefer the term 
"clips" to "bites", as the use of  "bites", the debaters agree, reinforces 
stereotypes that certain segments of the Pet World have regarding the proclivity 
of dogs to now and then, take a well deserved irritated  nip at something or 
someone pissing them off). These sound clips  will the subject of successive 
CPRs leading up to the National Head Pet Election, the date for which has yet to 
be determined, due to the controversy over recently enacted, somewhat stringent 
Pet Balloting Laws, which require Proof of Rabies and Distemper Vaccination, 
Photo ID Dog Licenses and Dog Tags, and written Indemnification Agreements from 
Felines pledging payment of cleaning expenses necessitated by the ralphing of 
Hair Balls in  Voting Booths.  As our Readership will recall, the first clip 
from the debate focussed on the heroism of Lady Emma in rescuing Libby the Cat 
and several dozen other pets from a burning Meriden Humane Shelter and 
constructing a series of levees to extinguish the fire.  The Mutt Romney 
Campaign has challenged the factual assertions of Lady Emma, so as is both the 
duty and obligation of a Free Pet Press, your CPR has investigated these claims 
by interviewing Libby the Cat to get the straight scoop (which invokes 
regrettably an image of Libby's freaking litter box, and the duty of your 
reporter to have to clean it three freaking times a week).  When queried, LIbby 
maintained (Photo 1, Libby maintaining)  that while the version of her rescue 
given at the debate by Lady Emma may not have been the literal truth (which 
Libby pronounced "Litter- al".  Still with the Boxes! We'll clean them, all 
right!) it was nevertheless the figurative truth.  When asked what she meant, 
Libby said it was not unlike the difference between taking communion and 
considering the wine and wafer, as perhaps some Protestants do, "symbolizing" 
that it is the body and blood of Christ, contrasted with a view that sees the 
wine and wafer being "transubstaniated" into the actual body and blood of 
Christ.  Libby went on to pontificate (see Photo 2, Libby pontificating) that 
with respect to her rescue, the fact was, literally, Lady was her saviour, so it 
didn't matter whether or not the rescue and the construction of levees were 
merely figurative declarations, it was all essentially true. So in view of this 
explanation, your CPR takes the fact checking view that the statements made at 
the debate by Lady (see Photo 3) were "accurate", and the Mutt Romney Campaign 
is therefore penalized by the loss of a timeout.  It should also be noted that 
Mutt Romney referred to Libby's place of birth as "Sleepy Eyelandia" when in 
fact it is "Weepy Eyelandia", so said factual misreference is going to cost the 
BarkBark Obama Campaign a time out, since they failed to correct the reference 
at the time it was made.   Sorry, Mutt amd BarkBark,  the rules of the Debate 
are the rules of the Debate, even as we make them up as we go along. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE RESCUE DOGMA OF THE LADY EMMA CAMPAIGN TO ELECT LADY EMMA HEAD 
PET.  WE ARE ALL LADY EMMA, IN SPIRIT, AND WE SHOULD ALL APPROVE THIS MESSAGE. 

CPR OCTOBER 4, 2012 -- LADY EMMA SEIZES THE MOMENT AT THE DEBATE

ello, and Welcome to the North Shore Animal Shelter Auditorium for the first in 
a series of debates between the National Head Pet contenders.  My name is 
Barkley Pellomello, from NPR (National Pup-Lick Radio) and I will be the 
Moderator for tonight's debate.   On the left is Mutt Romney, a converted German 
Shepard  (Photo 1 ) , who is affiliated with the extreme right paw of the 
Re-Pup-lican Party. In the middle is Barkbark Obama, a Portugese Water Dog 
(Photo 2) the current incumbent National Head Pet.  And on the right is, I must 
say, a quite beautiful Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, named Lady Emma, who is 
presently Head Pet of all areas north of the Hancock Parallel. The first 
question is directed to Mutt Romney, and it relates to charges that have been 
levied against him by his opponents that, given his German background and the 
number of neo conservative shepards he has chosen as advisers, he cannot be 
trusted to maintian the peace.  Mr. Mutt, how do you respond to the criticism 
that if you are elected you will misuse the power of your position to impose the 
will of German Shepards upon the rest of the Pet World 
. 
Mutt Romney:  This absurd criticism has come about because I have publicly 
stated that we should use any means necessary to stop the marauding armies of 
the Pussy's Republic of Snow Bengalia from invading Sleepy Eyelandia.  I think 
we are all aware of the tragic story of the separation of Libby the Cat from her 
family  in Sleepy Eyelandia... 
 
Lady Emma (interrupting) :  Cur, I knew Libby the Cat.  Libby the Cat was  a 
friend of mine.  You Cur, are no Libby the Cat. 
 
(Audience packed with Pets from 540 Paddock Avenue erupts in riotous applause 
for Lady) 
 
Barkley Pellomello:  Yes, Lady, I think we are all aware of the noble act you 
performed in rescuing Libby the Cat from the Meriden Humane Shelter, and how you 
insisted that your human family take her in, despite her weepy eye.  And may I 
say you look lovely tonight... 
 
Mutt Romney:  Wait.  I wasn't finished answering the question you posed to me. 
 
Barkley Pellomello (angrily to Mutt):  Shut up! Lady was speaking. (tenderly to 
Lady) You were saying, Delightful Lady? 
 
Lady Emma (Batting her eyelashes, well,she doesn't actually have eyelashes, so 
all she actually does is open and close her eyes several times in rapid 
succession):  Thank you Barkley.  But what your listening audience may not know 
is that not only did I rescue Libby from the Meriden Humane Shelter, but at the 
time I adopted her the Shelter building was actually burning down, and I rescued 
something like three dozen cats that night, and several dogs, and then single 
pawedly  put out the fire by building a series of levies which diverted the 
waters of the Quinnipiac River and caused a cascade which extinguished the fire.  
And then I took aside each one of the Cats I had rescued and pulled them out of 
poverty while simultaneously balancing the Humane Society's budget.  It reminds 
me of a story-- just yesterday I was approached by a stray dog at this very 
shelter, who asked me for my autography, which I gave him, but I hope I gave him 
something more:  I gave him hope, and change, and while I was at it, a nice 
whiff of my delectable butt. 
 
(540 Paddock Pets in audience applaud wildly) 
 
Barkley Pellomello:  Ah Lady, I don't see much point in continuing this debate.  
I know I'm the Moderator, but I just can't be immoderate in my enthusiasm for 
your candidacy.  Why don't we take a break here, and we can resume this debate 
tomorrow night, when hopefully these other candidates will let you address your 
heroic accomplishments without too much interruption.  Until tomorrow night, 
this is Barkley Pellomello, wishing you good night.  Not you, Mutt. Mainly Lady,  
well pretty much exclusively Lady.  Good night Lovely Lady. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE GOLD IN THE EMPEROR CATSBY ROYAL TREASURY. 540 PETS RULE!  
BARKLEY PELLOMELLO'S WARDROBE PAID FOR THE EMPEROR CATSBY, AND HIS FIRST AND 
SECOND MORTGAGES TOO. I'M LADY EMMA AND I APPROVED THIS DEBATE. 

CPR October 3, 2012

NATIONAL HEAD PET DEBATE PREPARATIONS DEMAND ATTENTION

There was no Pet Report yesterday as all the pets were involved in the 
preparation of Lady Emma for the big National Head Pet Debate hosted by the 
North Shore Animal League.  Even the Emperor Catsby and his Imperial Court 
participated in the preparation, as is it was a point of pride for all the 540 
Paddock Pets to have Lady running for national Pet Office, Darnell, by virtue of 
his online Economics degree, coached Lady on the questions she was likely to 
have to field pertaining to her Affordable Pet Care Initiative Photo 1); Daisy, 
by reason of her Public Relations experience, was able to suggest to Lady how to 
best present herself, although Lady rejected her suggestion that she wear a ski 
cap during the debate  ; and Catsby taught Lady his fiercest Haka chant  in 
order to scare her debate opponents. So obsessed with preparation were the pets, 
that they overlooked the fact that the debate is actually for tomorrow night, a 
fact that they found out only after waiting inside the Green Room at the North 
Shore Animal League shelter for several hours, waiting for the television crews 
to arrive.  Lady only learned that she had arrived on the wrong night when a 
star struck stray (Photo 2) at the Shelter asked for her autograph, then told 
her that the other candidates were arriving tomorrow.  Lady thanked the stray 
for his information but couldn't resist telling him that unlike her opponents 
she had a plan for raising strays like him up to the pet middle class, and that 
her plan involved Pet Government doing what it does best, which is spending 
money on dog treats.  We will have to see how Lady's message resonates with 
feline voters, an important sector of the Pet Electorate. 
 
SPONSORED BY THE NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE.  TUNE IN TOMORROW NIGHT