CPR 3-30-2012 PHAROAH FINDS SOME SYMPATHETIC EARS, SORT OF

Pharoah was seen complaining to Kathleen about the pressure he is under to perform in the semi-finals of the Eating Tournament ("The Hunger Games") on Saturday. (photo1)    Lady Emma also sat in on what became an ad hoc counselling session.   Lady tried to offer Pharoah encouragement, and had some practical tips on wolfing down  food (as Lady, quite frankly, eats like a dog, and dogs, as we know, are descended from wolves, although Lady has long maintained she and her breed descended from royalty, King Charles, in fact, which is why she is called a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel.  Lady Emma, somewhat pedantically, turned the ad hoc counselling session into a history lesson, explaining, to everyone's disinterest, that Charles I (19 November 1600 – 30 January 1649) was King of England, King of Scotland, and King of Ireland from 27 March 1625 until his execution in 1649. The execution, Lady noted, had less to do with King Charles's eating habits, which were prodigious, and more to do with his failure to successfully aid Protestant forces during the Thirty Years' War. This failure,  coupled with the fact that he married a Roman Catholic princess, generated deep mistrust concerning the king's dogma.  It is thIs Dogma that Lady claims to be descended from;  in fact, she called her mother, Dogma, and her grandmother, Grandma Dogma).  Of course, when Catsby found out about the counselling session, he discretely hung back, and waited until Pharoah was on the back porch, before he offered him his own advice. (Photo 3).  Catsby's advice to Pharoah was somewhat practical, if not entirely taunting: "Quit while you can, you old feline fraud! Before you embarrass yourself, the Pussies Republic of Snow Bengalia, and our Corporate Sponsor, the Jay Catsby and Pharoah the Cat Haka Karaoke Machine Manufacturing Company! "  No wonder Pharoah needs counselling.

SPONSORED BY LADY'S GRANDMA DOGMA. NOT YER OLD LADY. LADY'S OLD LADY,.

CPR 3-29-2012 FINAL THREE STAGE HUNGER GAMES

CPR readers who picked Darnell, Catsby, and Pharoah as their Final Three in the Eating Competition were able to see their favorites move on in the tournament, largely of course because they were the only contestants actually competing in the Tournament.  The three squared off this morning in the quarter finals, and as you may see from Photo 1, both Catsby and Darnell came out aggressive, and cockily taunted Pharoah even as they polished off their bowls. Both would have to be considered favorites in the semi finals, which will be held on Saturday. While Pharoah appeared less hungry for victory than did the two young upstarts, he did score style points with the Judges by using both his tongue and his nose to empty his bowl (Photo 2).  For his part, Catsby was so engaged in the competition, and exerted so much effort, that he began perspiring through his eyes.(Photo 3)   The Final Three were particularly energized this morning by their misunderstanding of the subject matter of the movie Virginia recently saw in Baltimore-- "The Hunger Games".  The Final Three naturally assumed that "The Hunger Games" was a documentary about the Eating Competition they were engaged in, and each believed that Virginia would be returning to the theater over the weekend to see supplemental footage of their Eating Competition this morning. So they were eating not only to compete, but to impress Virginia, who is of course the only judge that counts with them, notwithstanding the airs assumed by Justice Gracie Sotomeow, who has promised a ruling on the catstitutionality of Emmacare by the June College Recess.

SPONSORED BY THE HUNGER GAMES, A MOVIE, WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE ABOUT CATS EATING THEIR BREAKFAST, I DUNNO. I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.

CPR 3-28-2012 CATSTITUTIONAL CHALLENGE TO EMMACARE

Justice Gracie Sotomeow, who has been known to gossip injudiciously about Lady Emma behind her back, was seen by your reporter conferring with Jay Catsby on the windowsill (Photo 1), not where judicial business is generally conducted. As our longtime readers know, all judicial business in the Pet World is supposed to take place on top of refrigerators, the so called "High Courts".   Of course, Jay Catsby, the prominent Catstitutional lawyer, has challenged the catstitutionality of Lady Emma's administration's "EmmaCare", the provisions of which impose a penalty on all pets who are delinquent on their innoculations.  (Of course, the penalty for the delinquent innoculations is probably the least controversial aspect of "EmmaCare";  the most controversial aspect was the formation of "Neutering Panels", which oversaw the forcible neutering of Household Pets. Regrettably the catstitutional challenge to the panels came too late to help any of the 540 Pets, most recently and particularly, Darnell.)   After Jay Catsby, in his capacity as Justice Sotomeow's law clerk, explained to Justice Sotomeow what her ruling on the Lawyer Jay Catsby's challenge to Emmacare should be, Justice Sotomeow immediately ran to Lady Emma to tell her what Jay Catsby had decided she should rule (Photo 2), which of course violated the ex parte prohibition on the otherwise permissible conflict of interest provisions of the Justice Sotomeow court.   When your reporter challenged Justice Sotomeow on her breach of judicial ethics, she attempted to straight arm (or straight paw) your reporter.  (Photo 3).  Either that, or she was offering her paw for a spread in PawBoy Magazine.

Sponsored by the Neutering Panel at 540 Paddock. It's 10 PM. Do you know where your ball sac is?

CPR 3-28-2012 THE CAMPAIGN FOR THE CORONATION OF CATSBY AS EMPEROR EXPRESSES ITS OUTRAGE OVER MISCHARACTERIZED KITTEN PHOTOS

The Campaign for the Coronation of Jay Catsby as Emperor (Jay Catsby, Treasurer) was outraged over yesterday's characterization of Catsby's Kitten Photos as signifying a metaphorical bellicosity and meowglomania on the part of the Young Catsby.  Said the Campaign, through its Spokes Cat, Jay Catsby:  "Number one, those photos of me playing with a bird are not photos of me playing with a bird, clearly I am playing with my favorite kitten toy, my stuffed mongoose, Monty, and the attempt to deceive CPR readers into thinking I am playing with a Dove that has been dragged through the mud is pre-pussy-posterous." (See Photo 1, Catsby expressing his pre-pussy-posterousness). "Number Two, this preconceived, flimsily packaged narrative that somehow I plan on seizing power like my idol Napoleon, instead of having power handed to me by an admiring Pet World, is nothing more than a hatchet job orchestrated by a desperate Head Pet Administration; the panicked product  of paid  feline PR  flacks and canine PR hacks beholden to a corrupt and incompetent Pet Government." (See Photo 2, Jay Catsby, totally remonstrative). "Lastly, these shameful feeble media attacks by Lady Emma through the Pet Media are as ineffective as they are ill conceived.  Nothing will de-rail my destiny. As my hero famously noted at the Battle of Montereau, "Craignez pas mes amis. La balle qui me tuera doit encore être jetée! " (Fear not my friends. The bullet that will kill me has yet to be cast!")  (Photo 3, Catsby speaking french)

SPONSORED BY NAPOLEON, THE THEME PARK, opening in the Village of Montereau, France, in February 2014, on the 200th
Anniversary of the Battle of Montereau

CPR 3-26-2012 RETRO MONDAY ON A RETRO MONDAY, WITH A POLITICAL TWIST

For a change of pace, the CPR thought it would return Retro Monday to Monday, making it a Truly Retro Retro Monday on a Monday, instead of the sleeker, paradigm shifting Retro Monday on a Wednesday that some subscribers have come to experience in less than retro fashion, insisting that it is either behind or ahead of the true Retro event, and hence confusing when it comes to figuring out how to dress when reading it.  The subject of today's Retro Monday on a Monday event is Jay Catsby.  Lady Emma's Head Pet Campaign Manager, Libby the Cat, who also serves as Lady Emma's Minister of Propaganda, er, rather, her Press Agent, has provided the attached photos with the following commentary:  Photos 1, 2, and 3:  The Young Jay Catsby is seen stalking a Dove, which is a metaphor for Catsby's approach to the Peace Process.  Unlike Lady Emma, whose emissaries (Daisy the Cat) have successfully mediated a cease fire to the hostilities between household pets, Jay Catsby wants war, and conflict, because only by provoking conflict can achieve his nefarious aims of ruling the Pet World, and destroying the democatracy established at 549 Paddock Avenue.  Note that in the photo the Dove is brown, because before stalking it, Jay Catsby dragged it through the mud, in a metaphorical attempt to tarnish Lady Emma's diplomatic triumphs.  (Of course the photo was taken before Jay Catsby had any dreams of empire, or any mastery of metaphors, but let's not let the facts get in the way of Lady Emma's political agenda.  The CPR reports, and Lady Emma directs you to the truth.) The photos also show Catsby attacking the mud besmirched Dove of Peace, wrestling with it, and proving even in his young kittenhood his bellicosity and meglomania. (More aptly termed "meow-glomania").

SPONSORED BY THE TRUTH, CONCERNING WHICH, LADY EMMA'S ADMINISTRATION HAS A MONOPOLY ON.

CPR 3-25-2012 SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE MOVIES, BUT NO SUNDAY MATINEE

This past Saturday night was an active one for the pets at 540 Paddock Avenue.  Lady Emma, after putting off Max Savejs for weeks, finally accepted his invitation to come over to his house to watch a movie.  Max cleverly cued up Disney's "Lady and The Tramp" on the DVD,which turned out to be a good movie choice. (Certainly better than Max's other suggestion for a movie, which was Disney's "John Carter"-- Lady had been put off by the reviews, as well as by the prospect of watching a movie with Max, and his "Roman" paws,  in a darkened theater).  Lady identified with the title heroine,  and Max saw a little bit of himself in the Tramp, particularly in the scene where Jock sucks down the spaghetti in the street cafe, to the accompaniment of a cliched Italian chef playing the concertina and singing "Bella Notte".  (Actually, the romance for both Lady and Max was in the scenes where food was consumed by the dogs).  Pharoah also had a Saturday night date, his usual with the mature, retired school teacher across the street.  He and the "Teacher" watched a dvd of "Harold and Maude", the classic 1971 dark comedy starring Ruth Gordon and Bud Cort, which had everything the May-December couple could want in a movie, except inter-species romance. After the movie, it is not clear what Pharoah and the "Teacher" did for the rest of the evening,  but Pharoah once again didn't come home until the morning, and once home pretty much sacked out the rest of the day. (Photo 1).  Inspired by the escapades of Lady and Pharoah,  Libby the Cat tried to coax a young Darnell  to go see a Sunday Matinee with her, but Darnell was less than inspired by the prospect of spending his Sunday with a feline old enough to be his great grandmother, so despite the attempted seductive pose struck by LIbby (Photo 2), he politely turned her down  by pushing her away from himself with his paws as far as he could. (Photo 3).

SPONSORED BY DISNEY'S JOHN CARTER.   A MOVIE SO BAD NOT EVEN CATS AND DOGS WILL GO SEE IT.