CPR 4-15-2012 JAY CATSBY GETS BACK TO THE BUSINESS OF RULING THE PET WORLD

Following an eventful week and a half, in which Virginia returned home, the pets traveled to Disney World, Catsby engorged himself on french fries at the Disney World in France, and there was a big party held to celebrate Virginia's birthday, the self proclaimed Emperor Catsby spent Sunday devoting himself to the pursuit of an Empress.  The final candidates were lined up(Photo 1), and Catsby interviewed each, asking important questions, such as "If we play Catopoly, will you let me win?  But not let me know you're letting me win?', and, "Will you run interference on the morning feeding, and distract Darnell from his bowl, letting me slip in while he's distracted to polish off what's left?'.   He couldn't help noticing that one of the candidates had a particularly deep bunny voice, and upon closer inspection, appeared to be wearing a blue bow tie.  Catsby, never one to shy away from controversy, asked this Empress Candidate straight out:  "Are you a transgendered Empress Candidate, or did my crack screening committee actually have me interview a boy bunny?"  It turned out that the Empress Candidate was not actually a candidate, but was simply a stuffed bunny who had gotten the date wrong for Virginia's birthday party, but had stuck around anyway to be interviewed under the mistaken impression that an interview was a necessary prerequisite for qualifying for a cup of coffee, which as of noon on Sunday still had not finished brewing from the day before.  Once the "bow tied bunny" was removed from consideration, Catsby posed with the remaining candidates for a publicity photo (Photo 2), following which he allowed himself to be photographed considering his decision (Photo 3), which he will announce tomorrow, unless in the interim the bow tied bunny obtains an injunction against the selection of any of the remaining candidates due to discrimination in the selection process against deep voiced, bow tied, possibly transgendered stuffed bunny rabbits, or in the alternative seeks a writ of mandamus compelling the immediate brewing of a cup of coffee.

SPONSORED BY THE ALLIANCE OF BOW TIED TRANSGENDERED STUFFED BUNNIES WANTING A CUP OF COFFEE (Lady Emma, Treasurer)

CPR  4-14-2012 SPECIAL BIRTHDAY EDITION

The pets got together today to celebrate Virginia's birthday.  Harper participated from Baltimore, and Commandant Lilly from East Granby, by satellite link.  (Or, in Lilly's case, by "Cat-ellite" link.  Nyuk Nyuk) It was an all day celebration, although it wasn't quite the same without Virginia actually being there.  First, there was a moment of silence for pets who had passed away over the previous year. (Goliath).  Then, there was a game of "Sniff the Long Thin Noisemaker that you Blow Into at Birthday Parties and on New Year's" a game at which Pharoah excelled. (Photo 1).  Then there was of course cake and ice cream, but first party hats were distributed.  Catsby wore his quite jauntily, as it was the necessary prerequisite to cake and ice cream.(See Photo 3, Lady licking her lips, or muzzle, in anticipation).  After cake, the pets played Twister, Charades, and Catopoly, with Catsby declaring himself the winner in each game.  The only disappointing aspect of the afternoon was that Virginia wasn't there to participate in the fun and games.  Well, also that the coffee seemed to take forever to brew, and Pharoah lost patience, and nearly had the "cat"erer in tears. However, Libby smoothed things over with the "cat"erer by snarling at Pharoah and chasing him out of the kitchen. All in all, it was a great party, and the Pets vowed to do it again next year, but next year, they would rent a hall, with a live salsa band, and a faster brewing coffee pot.

SPONSORED BY THE 19TH ANNIVERSARY OF VIRGINIA, THE BEST GIRL IN AMERICA.

CPR 4-13-2012 PETS RETURN FROM VACATION; CATSBY POOPS OUT

The CPR is pleased to resume publication following an extended Holiday Break, during which the pets went to Disney World in Orlando Florida. Actually, all the pets except Jay Catsby went to Disney World in Florida;  Jay Catsby went to the Disney World in France, in keeping with his Napoleonic Obsession.  While in Orlando, Daisy, Pharoah, Gracie, Libby, Darnell, and Lady went to a water slide park.  Attached are photos of Lady Emma drying herself off in a towel after going down one of the slides.  Curiously, the benches situated alongside the slides in the park tend to look like the reclining arm chair at 540 Paddock.  Catsby, left on his own at Disney World in France, unfortunately was unable to curb his appetite for french fries, and ate so much his anal glands became impacted.  He had to cut his vacation short so he could return home to see his private physician, Dr. Souza, at East Side Veterinary Clinic, who had to perform a sophisticated and delicate procedure with a pet sized surgical plunger to unblock Catsby's french fry stuffed orifaces. As orifaces blocked while travelling overseas and ingesting french fries are excluded from coverage under Catsby's Petropolitan administered health plan, the whole adventure in France became quite the expensive boondoggle, and resulted in the need to economize by calling the other pets home early from Florida.  This has not made Catsby very popular, and Darnell in particular was quite upset, having actually  been pulled off in the middle of his ride on Space Mountain to be put on a plane and sent home.   But he's young, and there will be other holidays.  In fact, a major one is coming up tomorrow, a very special one indeed, one that warrants an extra special edition of the Pet Report. Stay tuned!

SPONSORED BY DISNEY WORLD IN FRANCE. HOME OF THE WORLD'S BEST, IF NOT THE MOST AUTHENTIC, FRENCH FRIES!

CPR 4-3-2012 DARNELL AWAITS HIS SAVIOR

Word has reached the pets that Virginia is returning home from her college tomorrow.  Darnell when he heard the news could barely contain himself, and the humans found it difficult to contain him as well, as he staked out the front door and kept trying to launch himself out onto the porch on the mistaken assumption that any minute Virginia would be coming through the door. (Photos 1 and 2).  CPR readers who are familiar with the Darnell backstory are aware that Darnell views Virginia as his savior, since she rescued him from the Wallingford Animal Shelter. How appropriate then that she should return on Easter!  Eventually Darnell was persuaded that Virginia's arrival was not imminent, and that the time would pass faster if he just chilled out on the welcome mat. (Photo 3)

SPONSORED BY THE FREE RIDE FROM AUNT CARA.

CPR 4-2-2012 IN STUNNING UPSET, NEW NCAAA EATING CHAMPION CROWNED

The National Cat Athletic Appetite Association staged its National Championship eating competition this morning.  In a major upset, the young Darnell upset the self proclaimed Emperor, inter alia,  of the Morning Breakfast Bowl, Jay Catsby, emptying his bowl by a whisker, well, by several whiskers, ahead of Catsby. (Photos 1 and 2). Catsby cried foul when the Counter Judge, Gracie, declared Darnell the winner.  Catsby claimed that Gracie couldn't be the Counter Judge because she was the Refrigerator Judge, and that she had the improper angle for determining who finished first, and anyway, it was not in Catsby's destiny to lose at anything!  Notwithstanding Catsby's protests, and the near certain likelihood of future litigation over the declared result, Darnell was crowned the winner in a touching ceremony (touching, because in order to place the crown on his head, Darnell had to be touched and held by the photographer).  (Photo 3)

SPONSORED BY THE LAW FIRM OF JAY CATSBY AND PHAROAH, WHO TAKE THE "FUR" OUT OF HIGH LEGAL FEES, AND WHO WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY HANDLE THE APPEAL OF JUDGE GRACIE'S DECISION, WHICH WILL BE RULED UPON BY JUSTICE GRACIE SOTOMEOW, WHOSE DECISION WILL IN TURN BE WRITTEN BY HER LAW CLERK, JAY CATSBY,

CPR 4-1-2012 INTERVIEWS WITH SEVERAL CANDIDATES FOR EMPRESS

 Catsby's hero Napoleon had his Josephine, so Catsby has decided that he too in order to rule the Pet World needs an Empress. The female felines of 540 Paddock Avenue for various reasons were ruled out of the running for Empress--  Daisy, because the demands on her time as Ski Cap model and Hair Chewing Salon Enterpreneur would make it impossible for her to attend ceremonial occasions, such as the christening of a new litter box; Libby, because her humble origins as a Weepy Eyelandia waif would require Catsby to abdicate like Edward the Duke of Windsor if he were to marry her;  and Gracie, well, because she is so anti social that really the only fitting occupation for her is Justice of the Supreme High Refrigerated Court.  (Cousin Lilly, the East Granby cat, was also considered, but she was considered too valuable in her current position as Death Squad Commandant).  This has led to the necessity of interviewing stuffed rabbits, so Catsby appointed Darnell and Daisy to do some initial screening, and then agreed to pose for photos with two of the candidates for Empress that have made the top 10.  The questions given to the candidates, as well as additional photos, will be the subject of future CPRs.

SPONSORED BY THE COMMITTEE TO FIND A SUITABLE STUFFED RABBIT EMPRESS FOR THE EMPEROR CATSBY, JAY CATSBY, TREASURER

CPR 3-20-2012 JAY CATSBY WITH WALK OFF VICTORY IN SEMI FINALS

The semi finals of the Final Three took place this morning.  Jay Catsby left Darnell and Pharoah to battle for second, in the big Championship Match set for Monday night.   Though it was neck and neck, mouth and mouth, and bowl and bowl, Darnell triumphed over Pharoah. setting up one of the younger generation for the crown of undisputed heavyweight eating champion.  The photos attached do not do justice to the drama and excitement of this morning's event.  On the other hand, they don't do injustice either.  Or windows.

SPONSORED BY THE NCAAA -- NATIONAL CAT ATHLETIC APPETITE ASSOCIATION

ALL OF THESE CATS ARE GOING PRO IN SOMETHING OTHER THAN EATING.  PERHAPS MOUSING. OR SURFING.R 3-20-2012 JAY CATSBY WITH WALK OFF VICTORY IN SEMI FINALS