CPR 9-10-12  LETTER FROM AMBASSADOR JAY CATSBY TO PROFESSOR VILLARS, OF LOYOLA UNIVERSITY

 

 

CAN any thing, my good Sir, be more painful to a friendly mind, than a necessity 
of communicating disagreeable intelligence? Indeed it is sometimes difficult to 
determine, whether the relator or the receiver of evil tidings is most to be 
pitied. Yet, though a discord of considerable dimension may indeed be the 
consequence of these revelations to follow, I cannot concede the evilness of the 
tidings, for they spring not from any barrow of noxious feline discharge, but 
from the wellspring of joy and delight which sprays only intentions of the 
highest motive, commensurate with the the privilege of comprehending your ward, 
Evelina the Scottish Foal, whose slightest favor would shred the very couch of 
this cat's  soul. Though I have no claim to the paw of your ward greater than 
the zeal to which I must put forth my acquaintance. let me note, not by way of 
boast, but by means of necessity, that only in a foal so fair could there be 
achieved a correspondence between  ambition and governance, because who could 
rule the world without one worthy of ruling the heart? I am well circumstanced 
as Ambassador to the Empire of the Known Pet World, which includes the environs 
of Baltimore, south of the Hancock Parallel, but my Commission, proud though it 
may be --and oh yeah, did I mention I was also the Emperor ---is of no greater 
rank to me than that of a litter sweep, if my realm cannot include the occasion 
of a saucer of cream in the company of one so fair as your ward. Though it is 
with regret that I must inform my former betrothed, Poor Elsie, that our 
proposed nuptial joining has been miscomprehended, that intelligence, though 
certain to promote some discord  among those who chose to be advantaged by the 
occasion, (especially the milliners, who are as much to blame for Elsie's girth 
as Elsie herself, by whose measure was predicated the plus sized wedding gown), 
should by reason be a source of happiness to those who might bear the Empress's 
carriage, the litter bearers of my realm, who might match Poor Elsie's 
disappointment with relief equivalent to  the weight that has literally been 
lifted from their shoulders.  And is not Poor Elsie but Richer Elsie for having 
known my Imperial Aspect?  And will not Evelina,divine and considerably less 
heavy creature that she is, be a lot easier for my litter bearers to carry, and 
me to countenance, plying my troth?  I await your swift response, my Professor 
Villars, and will not be easily de-turd by any expression of reluctance on the 
part of she whom destiny has chosen to anoint as my bride with mouse merengue 
from what will be the Grandest Cake, Ever.